Afterall..... This IS my life IV for heatherg

[heatherg]

but when the issue is resolved, be careful not to fall back into picking at one another because there is no more common enemy

I hear what you're saying, but no fear because I am handling this mostly myself. There is a common enemy to be sure, but I wouldn't say it's bonding us in any way.

Try not to even pay up front for half the materials if you can. Always lag the payments. That $8,000 you gave him is probably already gone.

Ugh, I know. I don't know what the hell I was thinking. I doubt I will recover from the contractor, but when I've exhausted my legal options, I can file a claim with dpor and possibly get my money back from the homeowners recovery fund because he was a licensed contractor. Either way, I refuse to let him get away with a clean credit report whether he can pay me or not, it will hang over his head.

BTW - due to the hurts of the past, making the occaisional drink out with friend a short one is smart and respectful.

I agree, thanks for pointing that out. I'll probably never have all of the 'rights' I used to have. It's just the way it is.

I am looking forward to the two of you addressing the bed and kissing issues.

Unless H addresses them, I don't plan to mention it again. Ever. Those two issues are FINISHED having any kind of power over me. After this long, they've worn out their welcome inside my brain. I can live the rest of my life the way we are right now.

I hope that you are still wearing your wedding ring

I am. I was lazy about it for a while about a year ago, just to see how it felt not to wear it. For example, I'd take it off to go to karate on Friday night and not put it back on again until Monday morning. But I don't pull that crap anymore. For quite a while now, I've felt very strongly that my ring belongs on my finger. His is on my dresser.

I am glad that he is addressing the porn use. That is a big step.

I agree. With big issues like that one going away, the other issues like the bed and the ring are so silly that I know they will fall away in time.

Thanks for the support.

[Cobra]

Heather,

Maybe you could ask H to go break that contractor's knees! I'm only half joking. These guys don't care about legal procedures. Maybe if H could give him a call and put some serious pressure on him it might help. He may have to get nasty. I've had to do this before, and unfortunately, it seems like the only thing they really respond to. Its a tough position to be in, but I think they sense how "tough" a customer is and will respond accordingly. That's why general contractors are often mean SOB's. They have to be. Just a thought.

[heatherg]

H is not exactly the violent type, lol. We might sue the contractor for fraud, which would mean jail time. I suspect he'd care a little bit about that, but we'll just have to wait and see. We are not the only people who are suing him BTW. It's a mess.

[blackfoot]

[bf does the snoopy dance]

Thats awesome news. Thanks for letting us know Heather.

[fearless]

Heather,

So what did you think of being type 2 and 6? I guessed those because I see so many of the positive aspects of those traits in how you've handled your marriage. The negative side is that with being so loyal and giving you can end up feeling worn down and used. I don't think you need your H to give as much to you as you give to him which is ok to a certain extent. I think when it ends up so off balance is where you reach a breaking point. That's why standing up for yourself in reasonable small doses is so good for you and your H. It gets things back to a more balanced state.

I know people have seen some of your stances in the past as being too hard or extreme but that was the natural, unfortunate, part of swinging back from too much supplicating and giving. You are now on a better stance with seeing that you can hold your ground without being defensive or offensive.

I hope things continue to get better for you!!!

[heatherg]

Hey Fearless,
I scored a 7 in being a type 6. Types 2, 5 and 7 all tied with a score of 5. So, I guess it's pretty clear that type 6 is the winner. I think it describes me pretty well, but so does my horoscope Really though, if I read the others, 6 really does sound the most like me.

Although I do think of myself as 'giving', I wouldn't state that as one of my hallmark qualities because I don't see myself as any more giving than most of the people I'm surrounded by. Honestly, and much less complimentary, I think I just allow people to push the limits of my boundaries. I don't have a whole lot of contact with my brother anymore because when he lived here, he took advantage of me as a babysitter meanwhile wanting very little to do with my family. I allowed that to go on to the point where it deteriorated our R. So, while I suppose it was 'giving' to be his babysitter, I didn't do it with a happy heart which is supposed to be what giving is all about. I was resentful that he wouldn't quit being such a self-absorbed creep, but I wanted to 'keep the peace', so I usually agreed. Big difference, huh?

Same thing with H really. I'm easy going for the most part....but resentment has held a special place in me due to the things I felt but wouldn't say. I've discovered that I do NOT like to be vulnerable and feel much more comfortable with anger. So, I let it get to the point of anger and then I feel more within my comfort zone to tackle the problem.

[Cobra]

Heather,

I've discovered that I do NOT like to be vulnerable and feel much more comfortable with anger. So, I let it get to the point of anger and then I feel more within my comfort zone to tackle the problem.

Nice insight! It sounds like you really are seeing what you couldn't see before. WTG!

[heatherg]

H is traveling, been gone over two weeks and will be gone for another 2-3 weeks.
Got a few things simmering. First, I am going to Las Vegas in May for work. I'll be gone for 4 days for work and then my sister said her and her H will be there that weekend for a Buddy Guy concert at the House of Blues, so I'm staying the weekend to spend time with her. I asked H if he would come with me. He said it depended on what was going to happen with this trip (the one he's on now). He was optimistic though saying that maybe he could fly straight from where he was for work to Las Vegas. I said 'You'll really be missing the kids by that point, but we'll wait and see what happens'. On the inside, I was very pleased that he would even MENTION flying straight from his work trip to Las Vegas....just to be with little ole me?! YEY!! Well, needless to say now he is balking and will likely not go. This is really just history repeating itself. Over. And over.

This stuff builds. You know how it is. There was the symphony event that he was supposed to come with me to for my work-but he stayed too long helping his parents out with something even though they kept encouraging him to go, go, get going. So I went alone. Then his mother offered to babysit for us since we didn't get to go to the symphony and I mentioned it again because I thought she said she'd babysit that weekend and I suggested to H maybe we could go see a movie that I'd been wanting to see. He said "She didn't necessarily say she'd babysit this weekend, just that she'd babysit'. I said oh and he never mentioned it again.

What does all this mean? This means that I need time and H seemingly refuses to give it to me. Repetitively. It's so repetitive that I can't help but wonder if he's pulling power plays by doing this. Which of course makes me want to play my cards closer to my chest as opposed to being honest about how much it hurts me.

It doesn't help that he's traveling. He misses the kids terribly when he's gone and he says he misses me too, but he's much more specific about them. And when I'm having a difficult time he'll jokingly say "I'll trade ya". That pretty much pisses me off because it's like he doesn't get it that he travels because he's made the decision to travel. I have to live with his decision just as much as he does and I didn't even make the frickin decision. I've encouraged him soooo many times to look for something different. In fact, I had a job for him at my company if he wanted it that had zero, I repeat zero travel. He decided to take this job that he has now because it promised LESS travel. Yeah, well, I'm not seeing the less part so far, I'm just seeing the travel part. I was supportive though because I understood that the job he was taking was with the same company just a different division which means he wouldn't have to entirely give up the comfort level he'd built up by switching to an entirely different company. I don't want to be a martyr here, but it's tough doing this all by myself. I get very lonely. And instead of appreciating me for what I do here by myself, he honestly thinks I should feel lucky that I'm not the one traveling! HEL-LO, I don't travel because I don't want to...you could make the same decision!

[Corri]

Heather:

This might sting a bit... but what you have to realize is you are probably now back at the point you were before the EA/PA happened. You were just diverted the last three years dealing with that...

All the problems that were there prior to your missteps have been sitting there quietly waiting for you. Though I would never say that your H wasn't hurt or angry... you did give him a three year repreive from dealing with his own issues... because your transgressions trumped everything else. That doesn't mean that what led up to or contributed to you making those missteps went away.

This was kind of my point with Mrs. Chrome.

Now might be the time for you all to head back to MC. Your man still has issues that need addressing.

It's good to vent here... but maybe you should share your last post with him via email... just so he knows how you are feeling?

Corri

[heatherg]

what you have to realize is you are probably now back at the point you were before the EA/PA happened. You were just diverted the last three years dealing with that...

I hear ya and that doesn't sting at all. Actually it feels good. My EA/PA was quite a diversion and I'm very proud of myself that I was able to stick it out through the aftermath and put enough time between then and now that, as you said on another thread, even H has to realize he can't be a victim forever. At some point, my feelings have to start mattering again and I'm finally at the point where I can see a light at the end of my self punishment tunnel. Once I reach that point, H will be hard pressed to use it against me either.

Now might be the time for you all to head back to MC.

That's not a bad idea....but I don't think he'll go.

maybe you should share your last post with him via email... just so he knows how you are feeling?

I can't decide if that's more of the same on my part. He knows how I feel, I've made it clear. To keep pushing the issue would just be what I've always done and I think it weakens my boundaries. I think I've made my position clear and I need to give him some time to step up...by time, I mean time. That's why I said the year thing. I just need to keep doing what I need to be doing.....I loved the quote that Fearless put on Chrome's thread yesterday:

Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.

I need to keep that in mind and just worry about me.