I don't want to go back to the same c again. I've convinced him that the m isn't salvagable. I don't want to take medication I'd rather start excersizing again and doing the things I once enjoyed like cooking and cleaning (not that I don't do that now I just don't do it as well as I used to, I'm distracted) I don't think my depressions are a problem in the m I think the m is a problem causing the depressions. On some level I KNOW that this m is not ever going to be anything more than a staus quo with occassional crumbs of promise that things could be better. But of course I feel like claiming the m is the cause of my depressions is just going to be misconstrued as mlc or blame or all the other negative conotations that get thrown at was.
While h was gone so many people complimented me on how strong I was...my house was spotless the kids were cared for, I didn't sit in bed or on the couch pouting. I recall going to a wedding toward the end and people actually asking me if I was on medication or something because while they looked at me and thought of the sit they were upset (almost teary) and I was happy and having a good time (this was a wedding for h's side to boot) Other people thought I was strong for taking him back that they wouldn't be able to do it. Now I just feel weak. I feel like a hampster just running around on the foolish wheel in it's cage getting no where with little more to look forward to than the occassional outing in the plastic ball that allows it to run around the house but still getting no where.
