I keep trying to tell you that you get in your own way.
From my experiences, it is difficult and extreemly frustrating to be in a r with a W and thinking if I do certain things, "we" will have a good R. So I do those certain things and am ignored anyway.
I hear you, but you work against yourself by trying those things that you think the R needs, not those things BB thinks the R needs or at least validating what BB thinks (if you don’t want to actually do something, like buy a new house). Is it any wonder that BB ignores you?
Cobra, it's more like I have these things I want to happen in a R and it builds and builds till something leaks out and someone sees a value in what I am trying to give my W. Someone sees value in what I believe in. That feels good.
That’s fine and dandy, but what does that do to help your M? Wouldn’t it be better for BB to see the value in what you do rather than some anonymous stranger on the board? Stop worrying about getting validation from outsiders. That validation doesn’t mean squat. No one on this board will come help you meet your M needs. Only BB can do that. Telling her that someone else agrees with you when she doesn’t is just a power play. How does that endear her to you? Furthermore, it makes the assumption that your POV is right and she is just too thick headed to see it. Again, is it any wonder that BB ignores you?
Now don’t get me wrong in thinking I am contradicting my earlier advice to you to rattle her cage. You do need to do this do some rattling, IMO. But when you try, you seem to end up sending conflicting signals. On one hand you try to be assertive, state your needs, make yourself vulnerable, etc., which is good. But OTOH you engage in a low level, covert power struggle to convince her she is wrong, to get her to agree with you, plus like the changes you want her to make, and relieve your sense of shame for asking in the first place. Do you not think you deserve the things you ask for? If you do, why would you ever feel guilty that she has to undergo work and pain to do them for you?
She can only come to the realization that she needs to change herself by reevaluating her world by herself. When your frustration rises and you distance, her stress rises too and she then approaches you. But you cave in and rescue her. So she never has to learn the hard lessons. She gets her soothing and reassurance and goes back to her old ways and the cycle starts over.
I still think it is your fears and your compulsion to do what others think you should do (ie, shame) that keeps you from letting BB go into her own state of anxiety and reevaluate the M. I think you fear her leaving you if she does this. You never let your crucible reach a boiling point so nothing ever changes. If she goes into her own form of midlife crisis, or high anxiety, or worry, or whatever she does, then let it stew awhile. Like I’ve told you before, she will not change as you want her to change and like it at the same time. She might eventually come around to appreciate it, but no one ever likes change. You have to decide what you want, whether you can hold onto your sense of guilt for asking for such things and whether you can get out of your own way.
