It sounds like you could use some IC to figure out what you want. You seem very afraid of being wrong -- wrong about trying to reconcile in the first place, wrong about taking real steps now to change your sitch, wrong about doing nothing to change your sitch.
I think I can help. No matter WHAT you do, it will be "wrong" in some ways and "right" in other ways. So, you will be wrong about some things. So what. Everyone is. Accept it. You will also be right about some things. But, you can never be perfect. All lives have regrets. Not living life because of fear of regret is itself a big regret.
I'm not sure why you are so worried about being a WAS. They are not evil people, after all. Indeed, most people here want someone who is a WAS as their spouse.
A WAS leaves because (1) the M has become intolerable, (2) the WAS feels she has done all she can, and (3) the WAS finally decides to take steps to find a happy life.
The three things a WAS might do better that would help everyone involved would be to:
(1) Before dropping the bomb, give fair warning -- very explicitly and directly tell the spouse that the M is in very deep trouble and that the status quo will result in the WAS leaving.
(2) Keep an open mind after leaving rather than adopting the view that whatever happens, it will be too little too late.
(3) GAL without getting into a rebound R for the first six months after leaving.
Now, it seems to me that a WAS who follows 1-3 IS leaving a great deal of space for an M to be saved.
What if your M needs that kind of huge wake up call to be saved? What if your M can't be saved? What if your M will only be saved by suffering another year of emptiness silently? What if aliens come and take over H making him an altogether better H? What if H drops the bomb again and leaves without warning? What if....
blah blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah, blah blah, blah blah blah
Unless you can get a good deal on a crystal ball, quit trying to base your current actions on how things will turn out to be in the future and other things you can't know. You can't. It is a pointless, mindnumbing, life squelching exercise.
Go see a L and figure out what your options are. For F's sake, take SOME action.
