Breakthrough ... and stuck

[fearless]

First I hope Chrome is not too lost or overwhelmed searching through his thread

Second I think this discussion of EAs just demonstrates their problem and their issue in a marriage. They are hard to define, they usually begin innocently enough, it is hard to tell exactly where the point is where they cross over into dangerous territory, without physical contact, direct talk about sex, etc. they also are easy to "defend" to yourself and/or spouse, etc. I know some people think I am overly cautious in my approach to friendships with men. Being in a career where I have constant contact with men at work, at business functions after work and during travel, I feel that having a set boundary works for me so that I can interact with men comfortably in professional and social settings and yet I never have to worry about sending any type of mixed signals to these acquaintances/friends. I suppose it is possible that I am missing out on something but in the end the point is that I respect and VALUE my relationship MORE. Of course is that not the key? When we define what we VALUE and want, then it makes our actions and decisions easier. My XH had the feeling that I made all sorts of sacrifices to him in our marriage. I never felt that way at all. The only sacrifices I EVER made were to the MARRIAGE. Since I was half of the marriage, I felt like the sacrifices I made were for me just as much as they were for XH. FWIW, that mindset made decision making easier for me.

Third, I do not necessarily think Mrs Chrome is using the EA as an excuse. She MAY be but from what Chrome has mentioned I feel it is more likely that she is SHARING her feelings with Chrome which is a GOOD sign. While it can feel painful for Chrome to hear how he has hurt is wife, it is a great sign, IMHO, that she is willing to share with him and talk to him about it. If she was not willing to talk about her feelings and about the EA, THAT is where they would be in trouble.

Fourth, while I am all for direct honesty, I do not feel like I can make the decision of whether Chrome should tell his wife about LFL. My personal feeling is that he can kind of wrap that issue into a more general yet direct statement about his PAST behavior with EAs and reassure his wife that he seriously regrets any damage that he has done and is focused on never repeating those mistakes. Then he just needs to stick to that promise. Remember his last EA clearly crossed the line by involving physical contact. His relationship with LFL never reached that point.

Fifth I think that listening to what his wife said "you do not adore me..." and asking her to better define why she does not feel adored will give him an opportunity to hear more of what she wants. Remember she used to want to have him in the bathroom with her while she showered in the evening. Chrome was the one who stopped that and now wishes he had that contact with her again. It would be great if they BOTH wanted to start up a routine like that which is INTIMATE, allows for communication, gives them time to talk, etc.

Corri brought up a great point by talking about fear and fear of pain. I know she mentioned it on her thread about Betrayal Bonds also. Obviously Chrome and his wife BOTH have their own issues with fear which affects their communication on each side. Chrome definitely fears dealing with her concerns about EAs and what she thinks Chrome wants from her. Understandably because he is not sure what to do and that unsureness is uncomfortable for him. I think he also fears that by addressing the EA ramifications he may slow down the improvements he wants and needs in the marriage.

As far as his wife and her fear of what the EA meant and of her own need to deal with the EA, I think there is room for both empathy and pushing forward. For example, when she brings up a concern that Chrome "wants her to be like her (OW)", Chrome can say, "I understand how you feel that way but I want you to KNOW that I do not want her. I want YOU. I am committed to you and the marriage and I want you to feel committed to me and the marriage. I want us to build a strong marriage to raise our children." In that one paragraph Chrome HEARS her concern and empathizes with her so she KNOWS he heard her, he communicates his feelings and commitment to the marriage, states that he wants her commitment and ties in the children who are important to her and him. She would also see that he is NOT afraid of hearing her fears.

Off hand the only thing I can imagine her asking is something to the affect of HOW to build the strong marriage? That is where Chrome would be honest and says "I am still working on it. PART of the improvement to the marriage is with my personal counseling to become a better Chrome, a better husband and a better father. That is what I am personally committed to achieving." I would leave it at that and not push YET for her to volunteer the same commitment. I wonder what she would say. She might not say anything, she might ask what better means, etc. I assume she knows about his family background so adding specific things like telling her he is dealing with those issues and moving forward from them would be useful. (Of course you might hope she would be inspired herself but whether or not she is inspired to change is not the issue right now. LATER (4-8 weeks??) after Chrome has set an initial pattern he might then talk about the MC idea again.)

Just my thoughts on Chrome's conversation yesterday and what he can do to move forward.