Bizarre situation

[geordie]

Well, had a really good week. It was S 2nd birthday and we had a party for him (albeit on a day that H was here anyway as he said he wouldn't be there if it was Sunday as he would be with OW). Thought we were really getting somewhere. Only friend that knows the deal with us said it looked so natural that he was at home etc. She said she could really see that he was starting to come home.

Then, tried calling him several times on Sunday and Monday (the days he is with OW). No response. I needed to talk to him about childcare on Tuesday morning (he has S in our home). He eventually called me back Monday night (stepped outside OW house to talk as she was inside). We ended up in R talk and I asked that since it has now been 4 weeks that he has been talking about coming home, what steps has he taken to do it. Turns out that he has never even mentioned to OW that he wants to come home. Says he thinks he is in love with the "idea" that we can work it out but he's not willing to put his money where his mouth is as he loves her and cannot leave her.

I am totally devastated. Sobbed all night....back to square one. He's been stringing me along for the last month, keeps asking for more time to sort his head out and I have been giving it to him - stupidly. All the time he has been having fun with a whore.

I am totally broken - again. Don't think I can go on any longer. I am emotionally battered and I don't think I have the strength for this anymore.

He didn't show up at our home this morning to take care of our son - so I am stuck and cannot go into work. He ignored all my calls asking where he was - I was waiting by the front door ready to go to work. When he finally called - he said he slept in this morning and wouldn't be coming to look after son today. He has responsibilities to son and he's just dumped him. Now my job is suffering.

He doesn't think that the OW is a bad person - "this is the first time she has had an A with a married man, so it's OK" in his eyes and it doesn't make her a liar and a cheat. You can imagine how I felt when I heard him say that.

I know I deserve better. But the thought of being a statistic and our son growing up in a single parent family scares me so much. I married him so I believe that we have to work out our problems, not run from them. Maybe I should have realized this would happen - after all he had a PA after we'd been together 2 years and then 5yrs later he had an EA with his best friend's girlfriend immediately before and after our wedding. When our S was born 2 years ago he even contacted the EA to share his good news about the baby!!! He has no idea about boundaries....

I feel worthless. I have given him everything - always bailed him out financially. I know that's been a problem - I have always taken care of him, like the mother he never had, because she was so busy with her anger at his unfaithful dad (who ran off with a 16yr old when my H was 16 himself). My H has never had to do anything for himself - I've always helped him and now I'm paying the price.