Bizarre situation

[geordie]

OK...so how come H says he wants to come home but he STILL drives 2 hours to stay at OW house every night after I get home from work and then in the early morning he gets up and drives 2hrs back to look after our S...??? And he stays at our home when sleeping off his night-shift.

Last night he left our home at 6pm when I got back from work, drove 2 hours to OW house (so, say 8pm he got there) but then ended up going to a movie on his own which must have started around 9pm because he called me at 11pm when it finished. He just wanted to see how me and S were. I guess OW was on night shift. So why was he doing all that driving to OW when she wasn't even there? He admits all the driving is getting to him.

I don't understand.......(unless he wanted the night to himself..????)

Says he needs to sort his head out but how can he sort his head out when he is driving back to OW to spend the night?

How long do I need to put up with this?

[hopeful27]

Sad thing is my situation isn't too much different from yours and I am scared to death. My story is in this forum entitled Are they just friends... Help! I hope I get some kind of response soon it is killing me. He seems to be getting worried about what I am doing, but other than that seems to have no interest in talking about ANYTHING! It sounds as if you are least getting somewhere!!!

[geordie]

Well, had a really good week. It was S 2nd birthday and we had a party for him (albeit on a day that H was here anyway as he said he wouldn't be there if it was Sunday as he would be with OW). Thought we were really getting somewhere. Only friend that knows the deal with us said it looked so natural that he was at home etc. She said she could really see that he was starting to come home.

Then, tried calling him several times on Sunday and Monday (the days he is with OW). No response. I needed to talk to him about childcare on Tuesday morning (he has S in our home). He eventually called me back Monday night (stepped outside OW house to talk as she was inside). We ended up in R talk and I asked that since it has now been 4 weeks that he has been talking about coming home, what steps has he taken to do it. Turns out that he has never even mentioned to OW that he wants to come home. Says he thinks he is in love with the "idea" that we can work it out but he's not willing to put his money where his mouth is as he loves her and cannot leave her.

I am totally devastated. Sobbed all night....back to square one. He's been stringing me along for the last month, keeps asking for more time to sort his head out and I have been giving it to him - stupidly. All the time he has been having fun with a whore.

I am totally broken - again. Don't think I can go on any longer. I am emotionally battered and I don't think I have the strength for this anymore.

He didn't show up at our home this morning to take care of our son - so I am stuck and cannot go into work. He ignored all my calls asking where he was - I was waiting by the front door ready to go to work. When he finally called - he said he slept in this morning and wouldn't be coming to look after son today. He has responsibilities to son and he's just dumped him. Now my job is suffering.

He doesn't think that the OW is a bad person - "this is the first time she has had an A with a married man, so it's OK" in his eyes and it doesn't make her a liar and a cheat. You can imagine how I felt when I heard him say that.

I know I deserve better. But the thought of being a statistic and our son growing up in a single parent family scares me so much. I married him so I believe that we have to work out our problems, not run from them. Maybe I should have realized this would happen - after all he had a PA after we'd been together 2 years and then 5yrs later he had an EA with his best friend's girlfriend immediately before and after our wedding. When our S was born 2 years ago he even contacted the EA to share his good news about the baby!!! He has no idea about boundaries....

I feel worthless. I have given him everything - always bailed him out financially. I know that's been a problem - I have always taken care of him, like the mother he never had, because she was so busy with her anger at his unfaithful dad (who ran off with a 16yr old when my H was 16 himself). My H has never had to do anything for himself - I've always helped him and now I'm paying the price.

[geordie]

Here goes.....

Ater more than 2 months of talking about coming home H surprised me by calling one afternoon asking if he could come and see S....two days later he moved all of his stuff out of OW house (told her hours before he actually left that he was leaving her) and brought it all home. Unloaded everything. Went to work night shift for the next 3 nights then we had one night under the same roof at night (separate rooms). Then at 11.30pm one night we were sitting watching TV and all of a sudden he got up, said "I just can't do this...it was a mistake to come back"...went and got all of his suitcases (which he hadn't even unpacked) and disappeared........leaving me again stuck for childcare.

Then we were both due to go to the same meeting out of town. He changed his mind but then after I'd flown there, he called me the next day saying that he was driving 10 hours to be there (which he did) and we had a completely normal time. I was then due to go on another business trip the next week which he had bought tickets to accompany me....the night before I flew he called from work to say he wasn't coming - so he lost the money for the tickets. Then he called me while I was there saying he wished he'd gone with me.......

He is seriously messed up in the head.

He continued to come and sleep his nightshift off at our home but then, just as I thought we were trying to restore some sense of normality....he called me at 8am on Sunday morning after getting off work saying that he wasn't coming home because it was causing him so much anxiety to try and be a normal family. Said I wouldn't see him til Tues when he looks after S. Who knows if he will show up tomorrow or not. I think he has gone to the local-ish hotel where he has been spending a lot of time.

This is the same pattern as when he was with OW so it is very possible that he is still with her, although I know that he hasn't been living back with her - he is still secretive with his phone and hasn't yet changed his number back to a local area code, nor have I seen more than 2 pieces of mail in a month addressed to him. I think they are still in touch although I can't be bothered to even find out for sure. I am no longer a private detective which is great for me mentally but I think it means I am losing interest in this marriage.

He admits that he doesn't want to lose everything he has with me and that he needs help....but he's been saying this for so long. He promised (again) that he would call the couples therapist I have started seeing. I think he is depressed and I am concerned that he will do something bad to himself. But I can't help him anymore. He has to help himself now.

The sad thing is that our S2 is understanding more and more as time goes on. And I am getting more detached from the situation - which is good for my mental health but it is driving me further and further away from wanting to even try and save this marriage. D was never an option for me but I just feel like I am enabling his behavior and that is pathetic on my part. I am scared that this marriage cannot be saved because he will not help himself and I cannot continue to live in an empty marriage. I see so much hope but only if he gets help to sort himself out.....we cannot sort "us" out until he deals with his underlying depression.

What happens to the LBS when this sort of detachment occurs....is it more likely to end in D?? THe longer this goes on the more I feel it can't be saved. I guess I just want someone to tell me that it really can be saved.