I really don't know what to do anymore...seems like all I am doing is pushing h away again and I don't want to. I just want some resolve and I don't feel it happening. maybe it is a case of my looking for to much and not seeing the trees through the forest, maybe there are baby steps and I am still looking for the grand gestures. it just felt so good when h first decided he wanted to try, perhaps that was because then I was detached and now that I have gotten comfortable I have once again latched on and become dependant again. or have I just fallen under h's thumb. is it him? is it me? I don't know.

there are so many things I want to do even simple things around the house. I am here all day long just looking at the walls, I hate white walls but h grew up with stark white walls, I want color even if subtle...I want to experiment with decorating. why shouldn't I? if h were still out I would, I would not wait for fil to do it, I would not ask h's opinion (though I now know that he hates the color of the master bath! it is deep blue he thinks it should be white)

Is it me? allowing myself to fall under his rule and then resenting him for it?? probably

I hate this..right now I so just want to crawl into bed and cuddle my h, but I wont because I don't want to be rejected and then angered more.

LL