One of the best things I can tell you, if you are someone like my H who automatically jumps to the defensive etc is to literally...mentally tell yourself "stop" when you feel yourself going in to that mode. You now when it's happening, you can feel it. You know those internal warning signs...I know you do...because I used to do it too
Conciously tell yourself "STOP" mentally. Take a deep breath and begin again. You might even tell your H (in a non-argumentative moment) that you are going to try something the next time you two get into an argument....you might even say "Stop" out loud...and tell him why you are doing it. To try to train yourself not to jump to the defensive. If he knows you are trying to do this and you say "stop" he will know to give you a minute...to back off for a few seconds (if he can), and then you both get a second to cool off and start again.
I had to do this mentally with my H...to keep myself from taking his bait and arguing back, when I didn't even want to argue. It really works for me.
GEL - yes, doesn't that just blow them away when we admit to being wrong? I would have to say that H and I argue very effectively most of the time. I can count on one hand how many times there has been any screaming - which I would have to admit was me right after I found out about the A, but I feel I was justified, at least for the first day, no?
My H has some definite mixed emotions going on when it comes to women. For the most part, he prefers to deal with women in business and he will tell anyone that. He just finds them better at understanding the matter at hand and being able to cope with it. But, that also makes me a little squeamish at times because of what has happened.
Believing - of course you are defensive about things. You are at one of the most (if not THE most) vulnerable times in your life and it doesn't feel safe. It is normal (or as normal as it gets) for him to pull away. That's what men do. When my H used to do that I always thought it was me. Have you read Mars and Venus? As much as I find it a little bit of a corny book it does have some valid points about how men's and women's emotions are differnt. It might allow you to understand the dynamics a little more.
My H is very intelligent however, that also makes him VERY head strong when it comes to his opinions, especially when it is me confronting him. Of course, if someone else says the exact same thing to him, other than me, he might think "what a wonderful idea" but never validate that it was ME that said it in the first place. He is getting better at that. I know it has to do with him exposing too much of his vulnerable side but we're working on that. It seems since the last time he went to the C on his own he is admitting to women having "different emotions" than men. Obviously they talked about it and the C must have pointed out a few things to him because he really seems to be "getting it" now. Of course, this still makes me cautious and I wonder how long it will last. But that is being negative. I have to think positively and enjoy the "new" person he has become.
We still have a LOT of work to do but I am thinking more positive these days than I have in a long time. I am not so naive to think that I might not fall back every once in a while but the positive days will help pull me back out of that hole I am sure
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
My H is very intelligent however, that also makes him VERY head strong when it comes to his opinions, especially when it is me confronting him. Of course, if someone else says the exact same thing to him, other than me, he might think "what a wonderful idea" but never validate that it was ME that said it in the first place. He is getting better at that.
Are you sure your H is just speaking another language and cannot hear you, or could it be that he hears you perfectly well but won’t acknowledge you because you two are stuck in a power struggle and that is his P/A way of retaliating? The effect under either possibility looks the same, but the reason are completely different. The first has nothing to do with you. The latter was 50% to do with you.
I went by our house today. I think she's packing up some stuff.
I feel that I've made so much progress in counseling and that if we were to get back together, things would be so much better and different.
We're suppose to have dinner and talk tomorrow night. She sounded very nice on the phone almost positive. However, when I went to the house it doesn't look very good for me.
She thinks that she gave our marriage more than one last try and that she stayed longer than she should have. She thinks it's too late.
What can I do to get her to give it one more chance? What can I say tomorrow night? I think that tomorrow she's going to tell me that she's moving out. How should I react? If she would just give our marriage one more chance, I know it would be different.
I think it used to be a power struggle - it is less of one now. We are getting better at the communication thing, although we were always pretty good at it
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Simply ask her to give you a set amount of time to prove that this time you REALLY GET IT. What does she have to lose by giving you six months? In six months you can make HUGE progress...if you don't then tell her you are willing to let her move on. Don't grovel, don't beg.
Even IF she insists on moving out that doesn't mean things are over. People do come home, people do move back.
Her moving out is definitely NOT the end of things - just look at COG's postings. His W moved out and didn't come back until almost 4 years later and they are making wonderful progress at this point. As long as there is a little spark of hope there, never give up, anything is possible
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Well first off...don't plead with her. Pleading will appear needy, needy is a turnoff...avoid that.
Simply flat-out tell her. "I'm sorry for what I've put you through, I really do understand now how badly I've hurt you. I know you have no reason to believe me at this point so would like to ask you for the opportunity to show you through actions. I know you feel you've already given me too many chances and have wasted too much time waiting for things to get better but I would like to ask you for six months. Six months to show you through actions that I am seriously addressing this issue and am working to make permanent changes and SHOW you how much you DO mean to me. If you feel you cannot give me that time, I will understand...but I also ask that you not shut the door on us. Can you give me six months? It's not that long in the scheme of things."
Something along those lines. Don't grovel, don't beg...just state your case and your sincerity. If she says right then that she doesn't know...don't press. Just tell her you understand she needs to think about it and let her know you will get back with her in a couple of days to give her time to think.
Simply flat-out tell her. "I'm sorry for what I've put you through, I really do understand now how badly I've hurt you. To
"I'm sorry for what I've put you through, I am beginning to understand, how badly I've hurt you. Can you give me six months? It's not that long in the scheme of things."
which I would have to admit was me right after I found out about the A, but I feel I was justified, at least for the first day, no?