New To SSM

[ACJ]

COG as you know I am nowhere near the stage you are at. In fact as things look at the moment I an unlikely to ever be so. However I do follow your threads mainly b/c during our M I had similar issues to your W. I needed to feel good about having sex with my H etc etc and unfortunately for me it seems to have eventually pushed him into the arms of several OWs. So during our separation I have searched deep within myself to try and uncover some of the reasons why I felt like I did. Ironically now I 'quiver' every time I see my H! LOL Joking aside I have worked on myself and one of the things I did was take myself off to an erotic dancing class! This was something I would never have done before as I would've seen it as 'seedy'. I booked it through the 'comfort' of the activity club I have joined. It was an all ladies session so I knew I was 'safe'. The session started off teaching us how to walk sexily and how to make sure everyone in a room, male and female alike, knew of our presence! Then the lesson went on to show us how to take off our clothes provocatively. If you can imagine 10 women all wearing their bra and knickers over their jeans and T shirt who have all been plyed with wine to loosen thier inhibitions I think you will also be able to imagine why I laughed so much! So I had no-one at home to 'practice' my new found skills on and still don't BUT the confidence it gave me was amazing. Now when I walk into and out of a room I follow through with what I was taught. It was all about subtle messages but boy does it work. I'm not interested in another man BUT since I went on this course I have been flirted with more than I ever have in my entire life. If I ever do have an intimate R with anyone ever again I know I still have to get over my hang up of the 'battle scars' that having 3 children brings but I do now at least know how to make myself feel sexy. For me that was the key. I needed to feel sexy irrespective of what I look like in the mirror.

Having read this it is jumbled and rambles but I think you will be able to understand my meaning here. I'm not suggesting you book your W onto a similar class but I am suggesting that she find ways to feel good about herself to help her to feel good about intimacy with you.

Good luck.

[COG]

ACJ,

Thanks for the visual. If I've learned one thing over the past six years, it is that I can not fix my W. I think your idea is awesome, and it's cool that you've grown by it, but it's up to my W to seek out her source of change. I'm confident she'll come around sexually someday, but I've let go the idea that I can fix her. Honestly, I think something like what you did would probably help stimulate her too. What a healthy thing for you to do. Your next man will be VERY blessed.

Thanks for sharing.

COG

[Greeneyedlass]

COG,

You are absolutely correct in the that you can not fix your W. You can encourage change by validating the things she does attempt to do; you can initiate change by working on yourself and making changes within yourself....but you can not change or "fix" your W. Any changes she makes will have to come from within herself.

What you can do is communicate CLEARLY with her..don't be vague. Don't say things like "I want you to desire me"...I don't know that you say that, but that is a vague comment to use as an example. "Desire" is freely interpereted...what it looks like to you, may not be the same as what it looks like to her kwim? What you CAN do is give her specific actions that you will recognize as effort on her part to meet your needs. Those things help.

GEL

[COG]

GEL,

What you CAN do is give her specific actions that you will recognize as effort on her part to meet your needs.

I've been doing that for quite some time and she's coming around to it. For the longest time her pride would not allow her to respond. For example a sure way for her to NOT act in ways I needed her to was to be specific about what my needs were. However, we've both changed alot. What I once thought were "needs" I now see as "desires". There's a huge difference, mainly I don't come off as being "needy", but desirous.

So especially in the past few weeks, she's opened to things. But really I had to finally make a stand on certain issues, like her not snapping at me, her being more touchy feely, etc. Basically I let her know that I was'nt going to continue living the way we were, it was OVER, I was DONE! I clarified that I was'nt done with the M, just done with the way the M was. So I have been more specific regarding my desires, AND I've been more serious about having them met.

Now for you greenhorns out there, I've been at this for many years now and my W is finally responsive to some of my requests and prompting. There were MANY years that if I'd made my needs apparent they just fell on deaf ears. In fact, the more needy I appeared the worse our M became to the point where she wanted a D. So just be careful, test the waters, keep doing the things that take you forward, quit doing the things that take you back. Always be aware of your sitch. Something you try today, might not work now, but it may have a positive outcome a year from now. Keep all plays in the playbook.

Thanks GEL!

God Bless,

COG

[Heywyre]

It's a fine line COG. As much as my H doesn't want someone that is "needy" he definitely wants someone that needs him. That was/is one of the MAJOR issues in our R. He always felt that I was very independent and didn't need him - however, that was one of the reasons he found me attractive - go figure!

I have been trying to get him to see that you can need someone without being needy and I think it is sinking in

[nvraln]

I'm not doing so good right now. thanks for asking. We just can't seem to have a conversation about anything, it ends up with bad attitudes on both ends and sometimes an argument. I mean I'll bring up the weather and he will contradict me or make it negative. I feel like he's pounding me into the ground. Then he'll turn around and be nice again and I'm supposed to follow his lead and forget what just happened 2 seconds ago. I just don't get it. I think it has to do with me not initiating anymore-meaning no sex at all (8 mos). so he doesn't want it, it's ok. I don't want it, he's freaking!At least I'm hoping it's because of this. I think he thinks I'm having an affair since he knows I do want sex but haven't gone to him for it. You guys might think I'm crazy for not trying but I'm so tired of this whole thing and I don't know what to do anymore. A friend from church talked to him the other day(he's a pastor and knows our problem - I talked to him about it) He basically said that my H told him some things that he wasn't at liberty to discuss w/me but that maybe I needed to "look in the mirror" and change myself first, then maybe I would see a change in him. He also said not to give up fighting for a healthy sexual relationship. I've heard all of this stuff and I've been trying since the marriage to be a good/better wife and do everything I'm supposed to. And for years, I rarely brought up the subject of "no sex" so as not to push or pressure him (waiting for him to come around) and what I found was that I lost myself, my dignity and worth as a wife and I allowed behavior towards me that was unacceptable. When I finally came to my senses about 2 yrs ago, I spoke up about the unacceptable lifestyle(marriage) we were in and that's when I was accused of changing and not being the person I used to be. I feel that I have grown/matured. Before I was afraid of bringing issues up because I didn't know how he would react, but I've grown so weary that it has made me strong and unafraid of the consequences. I think he doesn't like the fact that he has to face his problem of not having desire sexually and to deal with it may be alot. But I feel that's what has to happen in order for us to get healthy in our marriage and I'm willing to walk the extra mile(maybe the last mile)Well, this is probably to long (I'm venting, sorry) but I just have to know what you guys think, I have no answers.
Nvraln

[COG]

nvraln,

OK I just noticed you are very new at DB. So let me try to get you going in a positive direction.

First, I think it would be wise of you to start your own thread. That way you can have your posts, venting, history all in one place so that others can get to know your sitch easier. If nobody responds to your thread, you can go to other threads and ask people to look at yours.

Second, please purchase Sex Starved Marriage, and Divorce Busting and read or listen to them before you do anything else.

I can definately sense the anger, frustration, and resentment in your posts. I can understand your frustration, I've been there and lived through it. Nothing changed in my sitch, until I changed.

He basically said that ........ maybe I needed to "look in the mirror" and change myself first, then maybe I would see a change in him.

You can pay hundreds of thousands of dollars in counseling and attorney's and never get better advice than that. It's YOU who needs to change first, and right now before it's too late.

You need to recognize YOUR weaknesses, YOUR failings, YOUR lousy attitudes. Look in the mirror and ask yourself why your H would want to ML to you. What have you done lately to earn his respect and desire? What have you done lately to diminish his respect and desire?

See you can't directly control another person, but YOUR actions are completely under your control. And every action has a consequence, good and or bad. I'd listen to your pastor, and take a good hard look in the mirror.

Take a deep look at yourself, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Let me know where you set up your thread and I'll keep up with you.

God Bless,

COG

[princess_nic]

Hi COG -

Just checking in to see what's up, so to speak.

How do you think your W would respond to your buying her some lingerie? Does she like it? Would she find it too pushy? Not to get too personal, but I find that it can make a big difference in how I feel about myself sexually, which can translate into wanting sex more.

Same with other - shall we say - "grooming" issues. Could you suggest a Brazilian wax, or would that be too much? I often find the desire follows actions, not the other way around.

What makes her feel sexy? A bubble bath? A special cream? There's usually something sensual that really makes a woman feel hot. Okay, I think I need to stop here!!!

Nic

[COG]

Nicola,

Wow! You hottie you. Oh, you are gonna make some lucky guy very happy some day.

How do you think your W would respond to your buying her some lingerie? Does she like it? Would she find it too pushy?

Honestly, I really don't know how she would respond. It's probably been 10 years since I've bought her any lingerie. I really don't know if she likes it or not. I do know that we had sex every time she wore it back then. Hmmm.

She might find it a little pushy but I don't really give a crap. I'm not afraid of rejection. I'm a man, a strong and fierce one at that. If I want to buy my W some lingerie I'll do it without fear. But I'll have to go late at night so nobody will see me in the store.

Nic, you crack me up and I'm glad you stopped by to share your thoughts. You know that's how the Holy Spirit works. I'll take your advice as divine intervention and I'm gonna go do some shopping. I'll let you know how it goes.

God Bless,

COG

[jacqm]

hey, COG-
one variant on the lingerie thing...if she responds to you buying her some, then later on in the journey, try taking her along so you can help her pick it out. a long time ago (it seems) my h and i would go shopping--just generally, like to a dept. store...he'd start looking through racks and pulling things out, looking at me, then sometimes putting them back, sometimes suggesting i try it on. it wasn't just lingerie, often just regular clothes, but the idea that he was really "seeing" me, and interested in making me look good, really intent on the subject, was just such a turn on and made me feel like jelly. maybe its just the attention, i don't know.
another thing, does she have a sensitive spot? like the back of her neck that you could lightly drag your finger across, or lift her hair and gently kiss, then walk away--asking for nothing, but just appreciating her body?
sometimes that appreciation can heighten her own awareness of her body, and make her desirous of more contact. its so easy for women to lose their physicallness in the day to day stuff and it takes some attention and little comments of appreciation from you to remind her of her appeal. for some women, pampering themselves also works. in fact, one of the things that starts affairs with women is male attention and appreciation.
i know, i sure would love it!

jacqm