Just saw LFL’s post….. Assuming she has not omitted any significant details like asking each other what type of underwear they wear or don’t wear, then what was so wrong about this “EA” except for the fact that it was secret?
Underwear? I'm not sure if you are joking or not. Cobra, the whole R with Chrome was never about getting ourselves off...sheesh. And even if is was, to me, that would be less of a problem than opening myself up emotionally to him. Remember, I had the OM R while I was S that was all sex all the time. Great, but not intimacy. This was different. And more damaging.
Neither of you were going to be able to get to the place in your marriage with this emotional connection between the two of you....simply wasn't going to happen.
That is the painful part, because I wish that it could have been different. But you are probably right. My H and I made great progress after he found out about the R with Chrome. So I see how it could also benefit Chrome (maybe) to be totally honest with his W. But, the problem I am finding now is that the honesty doesn't fix the underlying problems. My H and I still struggle. Just because he knows I am dealing with all of these feelings, it doesn't fix the M. So I just don't know. Cobra has the viewpoint it will make things worse. Maybe that is true. I wonder if my H holds resentment towards me now that all has come to light. He says no and acts like no, so I have to trust that. But it is hard. LFL
Just saw LFL’s post….. Assuming she has not omitted any significant details like asking each other what type of underwear they wear or don’t wear, then what was so wrong about this “EA” except for the fact that it was secret?
I don't know Cobra, I wasn't there. Maybe they are just two people who are super susceptible to guilt over nothing. Ya think?
I'm not trying to come down on anybody either, that has nothing to do with anything. Chrome and LFL have been nothing but supportive of me on my threads and I have no reasons not to do the same. I'm just trying to call a spade a spade.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Thanks Corri. I admire your ability to empathize. I'm pretty good at that too, but I am piss poor at the integrity stuff. Choosing to do things when I know full well they would hurt others. But my selfishness tends to win out...sometimes. But like you said, all of us are flawed so my self-esteem isn't too shot, luckily. I do feel like I am a good person overall. I just want to have my cake and eat it too. LFL
You are speaking about empathy for the betrayed spouse. I can understand that. What I am talking about is getting the marriage back together. That can be a totally different thing. The worked needed to repair a marriage may not seem empathic at all to the betrayed spouse. In fact, that person might feel like s/he is getting the worst of it. But that might be because that person has a lot of work to do and just doesn’t want to hear it.
LFL,
Cobra has the viewpoint it will make things worse. Maybe that is true. I wonder if my H holds resentment towards me now that all has come to light. He says no and acts like no, so I have to trust that. But it is hard.
There might very well be a time when Chrome feels it best to talk about his EA with you. He and his W might be able to see it in a totally different light, as just another cry for help from a hurting kid…. who knows…. I just don’t think that time is now. She can’t handle the truth because she can’t even handle her own truth.
I think she WANTS an excuse like another EA to keep her safe. It would take all the heat off of her and throw it right back on Chrome. She gets to go free for another year before having to face her stuff. How will that help the M?
Funny how it always seems "different" when you are in the midst of it. An outsider just sees two people cheating and the people involved come up with all sorts of justifications and rationalizations for why it happened. Even in the midst of my emotional turmoil I was able to say to myself, boy am I going to pay for this somehow. Hmmm... self-destructive to a point. But when you are in pain, you tend to not give a damn. Let the chips fall where they may. LFL
