One of the best things I can tell you, if you are someone like my H who automatically jumps to the defensive etc is to literally...mentally tell yourself "stop" when you feel yourself going in to that mode. You now when it's happening, you can feel it. You know those internal warning signs...I know you do...because I used to do it too
Conciously tell yourself "STOP" mentally. Take a deep breath and begin again. You might even tell your H (in a non-argumentative moment) that you are going to try something the next time you two get into an argument....you might even say "Stop" out loud...and tell him why you are doing it. To try to train yourself not to jump to the defensive. If he knows you are trying to do this and you say "stop" he will know to give you a minute...to back off for a few seconds (if he can), and then you both get a second to cool off and start again.
I had to do this mentally with my H...to keep myself from taking his bait and arguing back, when I didn't even want to argue. It really works for me.
