My original point was that Chrome is probably not going to get the intimacy he craves until the effects of the betrayals are addressed. I very much believe that Mrs. Chrome has issues she needs to address, but that until her pain has healed some, any pressure that Chrome puts on her to change will not be well received and in fact will probably work against him.
I also agree that Chrome needs to be radically honest with his wife about his feelings and commitment to her. I think he needs to press her to do the same because IMO, she is being extremely dishonest with her feelings and emotions. I think the greater deception is now with her, though at one time it was with him. He has grown, she has not.
That said, I do not think Chrome should dump a second EA on his wife. I see nothing to gain from it and everything to lose. From what I understand, such a confession is to help a person clear his/her guilt to come across as being more honest and committed to the partner. I do not think that has been an issue with Chrome. His EA was a passive aggressive act to seek attention. He as his W are bogged down in a game of who can be the biggest martyr. All he did was up the ante. I do not think that means he has an addictive type personality for affairs, like an addictive gamble or an alcoholic. He might, but I don’t see it.
So exactly how will telling his W about an “EA” with LFL make him more committed to his marriage? That is the question. I know one thing for sure. His W is cloaked in denial about the control she is under from her parents. She has had to be the “good” kids, toe the line, not do anything to shame the family, live to please others, and so she has had the life sucked out of her. This is atypical of people who say they don’t know how to have fun. The really don’t. They only know how to have fun in the shadow of someone else’s fun. So they are extremely dependent and enmeshed with others. Their whole life revolves around they partner or their parents doing the right thing. It is all shame-based driven.
If that significant person lets them down, as Chrome has, their world comes crashing in. They have a huge sense of responsibility and commitment to pleasing others and cannot understand how another could betray them, just as they cannot think about betraying someone else. The injustice of a betrayal can make their blood boil. But they (or their FOO) are as responsible for perpetuating this warped reality as the person who perpetrates the betrayal.
But they don’t see it that way. A confession by Chrome of this “EA” will set his marriage back a good year, IMO. It may irreparably damage it. MrsChrome does not have it in her right now to accept blame for her own role in this mess. So she will project anger toward Chrome for yet another betrayal of her idea of loyalty. He cannot win. The situation is made even worse by the fact that they live across the street from her parents. The best thing Chrome could do, IMO, is to either move away and limit the meddling of his in-laws or insist his W get a job so she can gain a sense of herself and not be so dependent on the kids for her emotional connection.
The children will suffer more and more because MrsChrome uses them as a surrogate partner. She believes she is doing what is best for her kids, giving them better care and support than any other mother, but martyrs always gives this “love” with strings attached. It is not healthy for the kids, or the marriage.
I also think Chrome needs to address the EA type of detachment he feels from his wife when she bonds with the kids and her parents to his exclusion. Kicking him to the role of little more than a paycheck will not help the marriage. It is easy to feel sorry for her, but the repair of the marriage has got to be fair and balanced or more resentment will build. When a woman cuts off her husband, there will be consequences. Chrome chose an EA. There are plenty of other choices he could have made that would have been just as painful to his W. Would it make everyone feel better if Chrome decided to become an alcoholic, or an addictive gambler, or to simply D and move on? IMO, it doesn’t matter what his method was. It only matters that he felt he had to resort to some type of method to get her attention. She had a role to play in the development of this mess.
Sorry folks, I do not see how it will help his situation at all for Chrome to confess to another “EA.” I for one would like to know exactly what went on in this so called “EA” with LFL before I could even think about advising whether Chrome should talk to his W about it. I would challenge the damage that EA had to the damage Chrome’s W has wrought with her own version of an EA.
I think this board fails to see the bigger picture at times and gets too caught up in personal projection. Too many here have lived through an affair and it clouds their ability to see what is best for the marriage. As adults in a relationship, there are no true martyrs or victims (except for the obvious like rape) There can be no leveling of the score where one person has to “pay” more than the other, if the marriage is to move forward. Who is to say when one person has “paid” enough? Who is to judge that? Confession might help at times, at others it won’t.
To stress that a person should “confess” is to say that a person should “pay” and be punished. The excuse that confession puts a person on an honest level and somehow clears the decks and indicates true commitment is simply not true. And narcissist will honestly confess over and over. It means nothing. Chrome has to decide if confession will somehow make him truly understand honesty and commitment to his wife or not. If he already has that in him, then all I can see him gaining is experiencing more pain for not being the assertive man he knows he should be. I don’t see how that is going to help someone who already suffers from self esteem and depression problems. I think the advice of his C was correct, for his sitch. IMO, the focus should be on saving the marriage, not exacting some form of retribution.
Just saw LFL’s post….. Assuming she has not omitted any significant details like asking each other what type of underwear they wear or don’t wear, then what was so wrong about this “EA” except for the fact that it was secret? Do you really think MrsChrome tells Chrome what her girlfriends say? And don’t give me a bunch of BS that it is different because she speaks to women, not men. The effect on the marriage is the same. What about the conversations on this board? How many divulge their inner most feelings here but do not share them with their spouse? Is that not an EA? Can that not create harm to the marriage? I challenge everyone here to tell their spouse everything they have posted on this board, to speak freely about their wants, their faults, their weakness, their FOO. Can you do it? Yes? No? If not, aren’t you harming your M? Don’t tell me that because there are no romantic discussions between members here that your spouse will not be hurt. Go tell your spouse that you discuss in detail things about your M, about him/her. Then ask if that hurts his/her feelings, and that you have kept it secret for however long. How does that differ from Chrome and LFL?
