Need another opinion, is my W OM, friend or more?

[andyv]

And the hits keep coming.........................

I backslid today like the idiot I am.

I asked her again about OM, and she told me that they are friends, and she thinks things have been progressing for the last two months (more contact etc).

She keeps telling me that she is not in love with him yet but has feelings and in time these may grow into love................. She has not instigated anything other than friendship at this time and he knows the situation and has not made any advances (I really don't know if he is interested, the info from family and friends indicate that she may be pursueing something that will never happen)

When they are together, there is no conection or chemistry that you would have from an exciting new relationship.

She also re-iterated that things were over between the two of us. That she made up her mind over 12 months ago when the stresses of building our house commenced.

This MLC is hard work..............

[Tia]

Hi andyv:
I admire your "go-getter" spirit. Keep doing the 180. Do not pursue, or you'll push her farther away. Love her by loving yourself first. For now, get involved in hobbies or activites that release tension. Or, hang-out with friends, and volunteer somewhere. Give her space to sort things out. Remember, she is still your wife. The papers have not been signed. There is time. If she speaks to you, be evasive but loving. If you see a difference in her, keep doing what you've been doing. Do not be the 24/7 man if she is still hooked on another guy. She must miss you to realize how great you are. Fight the good fight of faith!

All the Best,
/Tia

[andyv]

Thanks Tia,

You have motivated me and I have just got my second wind.........

I will have to really make a better effort in not backsliding. I think I am alot stronger today than on any other day and I feel that I can do it for a prolonged period now.

I will need to cut off comms with family and friends that all have their 5c in, and everthing always gets back to the W. She needs to space herself from these people because they are constantly on her back about everything to do with her choices.

The anger from this harrassment goes back tenfold to me.

I will need to stop being the 24/7 man and let W worry about certain things now, poss notice the changes in her life.

cheers again Tia, you have re-charged my energy to continue full steam ahead.

[runningoutoftime]

Don't initiate any relationship talk!!! Just work on being a good friend to her and when you're not doing that be a great father and work on self-improvement and building yourself into a hunky, happy "relationship magnet." LOL!!!!!

P.s. you don't need to tell your wife every little thing about yourself. A little mystery can sometimes keep MLCers on their toes!

[andyv]

XLNT advice ROOT,

I think that I am too honest at times. I will cease anymore extra information than need be regarding my movements from now on.

I know that was my stuff up, when I have been mysterious, she has enquired about it either to me or her family.

She is off to Melbourne with her girlfriends this weekend (and I reckon OM will be there as he is pretty much everywhere these days). So I think I may have to be unreachable for most of it. This will be a good opportunity to either reinforce her relationship with this guy or give her time to think about what she may lose. Toss of the coin, but I think she will not think about it too much since it is a shopping trip

[runningoutoftime]

Well, try and have a little fun (but not too much, of course... no need for you both to enter MLC... someone needs to stay sane!).

I can understand you being too honest. I tend to overdo the honesty thing as well and looking back it's something I did too much of as well. I now realize if I had been a litte more mysterious it might have moved my husband and I back into reconciliation a little sooner. On the other-hand, I didn't want to take a chance of pushing him away. It was a real balancing act.

But one thing I do wonder, if he hadn't been so certain, or secure in me being there for him, perhaps he wouldn't have strayed so far... it wasn't until I did finally move happily onward with my life that he started to question the decisions he was making...

So... something to consider...

[andyv]

ROOT,

I feel the same way. I have been moving on for the last week and a bit, and have noticed a change in W.

I played Golf yesterday with some mates from work, then went for a few beers afterwards. I was gone all day (catch up time for W and DD). Then when I got back at around 9pm, W was still up and made coffee for us both.

She talked about her trip to Melbourne on Friday, and a few other things whilst we watched some TV for an hour, nice. Then she went to bed.

Today, I decided to work late and catch a movie with my sister (W thought I had a after work function to go to), I wanted to give her some space to pack for her trip tomorrow.

She called me twice whilst I was out to ask me trivial questions that could be answered tomorrow. Plus she called me at work earlier and we spoke for 20 minutes about all sorts of stuff (nothing to do with R talk).

I just got home (10pm) and she was already in bed. So I won't see her for three days till she gets home.

I am not going to call her for the next three days as the onus should be on her to ring because of DD.

She wanted her space and separation, so do you think this is a good thing to do?

[runningoutoftime]

What you need to do is try to look objectively at what seems to help and what seems to hinder things. When something doesn't work (a possible example might be pursuit or trying to "control" things) then try to avoid it. If you see positive results then that's what you need to try and continue doing. If giving space seems to unsettle her, then space might be good.

I'll be honest, giving lots and lots of space was difficult for me. I'd still worry about my husband "forgetting me," if he was still with OW, or had found someone else. It wasn't until I observed positive results that I was able to let go a little more. I think somehow you need to guage where they are and what they need. For example, when there is anger or tension separation and lots and lots of space can be a huge relief for everyone involved. I think the space is neccesary for healing and it allows everyone to calm down and see things more clearly.

When the relationship is seems relatively good, I found it easiest to kind of "go with the flow"..... Like offer non-pursuing friendship while also giving plenty of space. I tried to go for a balance and that seemed to work.

What you are describing sounds good. Just take that time and do some positive things for you.

[andyv]

I'll just keep doing the same, as it seems to be working.

I text her this morning as she was off to the airport, and wished her a great time, and happy shopping (as I did not see her this morning when I left for work early). She would normally send me a txt back, but she rang me instead and thanked me for such a nice text, and was in a happy mood.

I got another one just a few minutes ago, letting me know she was going out for dinner with friends and how excited she was about tomorrow (she is going on a Shopping Tour, to all brand outlets). She also finished with a give my love to DD.

I hope in the future, if she does come back to me, that I may hear the L word again, with reference to me.

It's still hard to imagine 17 years of 100 love u's every day, and 100 calls everyday, to just being excited when I get 1 call a day.

But as we all know, this is a work in progress, and all good things come to those that wait.

[Just_Me]

Andy,

Are you still in the same house? You sound like your being a pushover. What kind of guy accepts his wife going on dates while still living with him? The very act of putting up with it is unattractive and pursuing, it says in actions louder than words, "I'm so desperate for you that I'm willing to look the other way while you date." You are guilty of believing her lives. Of course she wants to be more than friends. The only thing probably holding her back is this other guy isn't that interested in a relationship with her.

If it were me I'd ask her to move out.