Thank you for your thoughts and encouragement. You have said so many things that have helped me, so don't think you aren't getting through to me, okay? And hopefully I have given you at least one more way to think about of how you can help me = support me when I do good things, too.
Sometimes it equally frustrates me that I don't feel like I can adequately state some of my struggles, fears, etc.
I can drop him as my focus for parts of my day, but certainly not for a whole day yet. AND I'm getting better at it. Being away from the office is helping with that.
As you'll read in my long tangent post I just wrote, I know I keep making some mistakes. I see it. I'm aware of it. I get it. Does that make it easy to just say "okay. I'm never going to do that again?" No. But I'm doing better most days. And I'm going to keep fighting to keep doing better and better.
Do I understand the CONCEPT of me being the only one who can make me happy? Yes. But right now is my HEART feeling my H and my M on the end of my fingertips, and is my HEART happier when my H is in my bed and in my life and laughing with me and sharing with me? Yes. To that end, I am not yet able to internalize that it is solely up to me to go out on my own, detach from him, and just be happy. That is not clicking yet. It's not that I don't understand it, but I would be lying to you if I said that it's the way I truly feel. I am intellectually-driven but have a downfall of impulsively acting on things when my heart is being pulled at.
My love life, my social life, my business life, my family life, my friends, etc., have ALL had H as a huge part of them for a very long time now. I am actually very grateful for that. At the same time, for someone who had a completely different job they went to every day from their spouse and maybe doesn't have a close family and doesn't share a lot of the same friends and social circles and business circles, etc., this concept may be a bit easier to implement. For me, almost every aspect of my world had H a very large part of it. So I am feeling pulled and pushed from every which direction. Was it unhealthy for me to be in that position before this all started? I don't know if unhealthy is the right word, but I now see that I need to put some distance between us, separate our R from our business, go out more with my friends by myself without H, etc. But up until this happened, can you see that my happiness was not so much DEPENDENT on H, but that all of the aspects in my life that CREATED happiness for me had H as a part of them, and now ALL of those things are being affected all at once? So my happiness = him being a part of my life because he makes all of those things I talked about more enjoyable for me. Does that even make sense? It's late... I'm not explaining it very well. I'm just trying to say that our lives were/are very much entangled in almost every facet you can think of. I'M GRATEFUL FOR THAT! I am so appreciative that we have been able to share so many things together and that we have enriched each other's lives so much. But I do now see that that very entanglement is part of what lead us to where we are at today. It's very important for us to make some changes in the ways I mentioned so that we can get to a better place personally and romantically and enrich each other's live in magical ways that will never, ever take us down a path even remotely close to this again.
H DOES make me happy, and I don't want to lose that. Will I be happy again without him if this doesn't work out? Yes. Am I able to do that now when the door isn't shut on our M yet and just find that drive within myself to completely detach and just make myself happy? I'm just not there yet.
I AM a very independent person in so many ways, but there will always be a part of me that knows that H completes me (another Tom Cruise tidbit). I said that early on and got immediately pounded for it, so I know you don't agree with that, but it's what's in my heart. And as I've told you before, I'm not going to lie to you and tell you I feel a way that I don't. And when you come back at me and say no one can complete another person, I hear you, but that's not the way my heart feels - whether it's right or wrong. He isn't the exclusive reason that I live, but he makes me a better person. Even through this hell, in a roundabout way, we are pushing each other to learn lessons in life that I pray will be invaluable to us and that will push us to create a magical marriage. These darkest days we are facing now are a test. I pray that we will look back on this some day with an appreciation for the growth it caused in us both that thereby created a magic we will then be able to enjoy for a lifetime...
