Am having another "breakthrough" and want to journal about it, so here goes:
I was reading an article from smartmarriages.com about recovering from infidelity and found myself ready to face one of my big fears: why did H chase those chicks?
I know why he left home: nothing but anger and pressure at home, but going into the porn business, going to vegas with buddies, beginning to keep secrets -- what was that about?
The therapist in the article (written during the Bill/Monica scandal) talked about healing from infidelity -- yes she says, people can recover.
Interestingly, she said the first question she asks the unfaithful spouse is not "What did you see in the OP?" or "What was missing in the M?" but rather: "What did you like about the person you became during the affair?"
Shockingly, I find myself able to ponder this about my H. It makes sense to me because, looking back, I didn't really become a bitch (of course we had normal ups and downs) until he went down the porn road as a career. I don't think I "drove him away" -- I think developmentally he was missing some ingredients in his life and got excited about going out to get them.
MLC.
So I am ready to ask:
"What exactly did he get, who did he become that jazzed him up, what satisfied him, doing porn, chasing chicks? "
(Odd how I no longer need to throw up thinking about how he could live with himself doing this to me/us.)
I'm ready now to ponder this because I know once again that my H loves me. He actually never stopped loving me (though he thought he had). In fact, he had a lot of guilt and remorse (that he denied and buried) while "surfing for girls." I'm not sure he himself understands "what happened" but I am beginning to.
-- He liked feeling like a BIG SHOT (he'd just been laid off twice) -- He liked getting ATTENTION (being NAUGHTY gets you noticed by men and women!) -- He liked being around WOMEN (in his steady job it was "all guys all the time" -- very unbalanced) -- He liked imagining the porn business would make him VERY RICH -- He liked getting away from HUMDRUM RESPONSIBILITES OF HOME
It's funny, but I don't think anymore that "more SEX" or "a YOUNGER WOMAN" is what he was looking for, although that's what I thought he wanted. Instead, I really think we always had a lot of sexy fun, and he was very satisfied with me -- seeking MORE sex wasn't really his reason for adventuring.
Oh, yeah, maybe the IDEA OF VARIETY appealed to him, but (tee hee) my H has a kind of dog-like loyalty as part of his character, so I think the VARIETY part was mainly FANTASY. And fantasy can be enjoyable for both partners, I think. In practice, though, my H'd be more likely to seek a new girlfriend or wife than "play the field" for satisfaction.)
Hmm... you know, I CAN live with my H needing/wanting to have those needs fulfilled, I think, as long as how he does it isn't in the way of me getting MY NEEDS met.
So how do I support him become a daring, rich, hotshot in the spotlight, with a better balance of male and female friends?
Well, maybe my leadership skills will come in handy.
I can be from Missouri! I can SHOW HIM how it's done by doing it. Ha ha.
Or maybe "Aha!"
My needs are, in fact, not so dissimilar. And doing DB-ing I've been able to put the spotlight on myself and have more fun than I'd had in a long time.
-- I want to be the STAR OF THE MOVIE, or the DIRECTOR, or the SCREENWRITER (watch me!) -- I want to have enough money that I can GIVE SOME AWAY -- I want to relate and BE RELATED TO by friends of all kinds -- I want someone else to be HOUSECLEANER
It's amazing how this week I'm getting to the heart of what has hurt me most, and am reasoning my way out of fear.
Thanks for letting me ponder this in writing, youse guys. You are MY online chat pals, and you make me smile.
I'd love to hear your comments and feedback on my new thoughts.
