Holidays went smoothly, very little stress. H is home, we are sharing ideas, even playing a little music together, happy & calm.
But then we both caught colds and were sensitive and needy at the same time.
I got sad and couldn't shake the negativity, got clingy. H got overloaded, snapped at me, stormed out, threatened not to come back.
I started to shake and sob (fortunately he was gone) because this was an EXACT re-enactment of the beginning of our estrangement.
Now what? Chase him down the street?
Instead I talked to my MIL and vented. She reminded me of all the progress we've made, and patted me on the back for "saving my marriage single-handed" this year. Boy, that was nice to hear.
Took the day off work. Went for a hike with my dogs. (My dogs are great clowns.)
Calmed down, dressed up, called H on his cell and spoke in an upbeat tone. Told him I realized I was being selfish. I was low cuz of my cold, was sorry. Let's not let this escalate ok? Asked him out for coffee.
Here's what's different:
-- He met me for cofee and wasn't scowling -- I was dressed prettily and smiled -- He had called work to see if I was OK (and was worried when I wasn't there) -- I never got defensive -- I copped to being whiny, moody and pushy earlier, said I was sorry -- I didn't accuse him of "not being responsive to my moods and needs"
MAJOR BREAKTHROUGH: We re-framed our incident as a bump in the road not something dire, and then had an open talk about what made things get bad quickly.
-- He demanded that I never grab at him when we disagree, he thinks of it as an attack -- I told him I grab at him involuntarily ("don't go") but will make a big effort to never do it again, since I see how it threatens him (MAJOR ATTITUDE CHANGE ME) -- I reminded him that I'm not habitually moody or needy nowadays (thanks DB) but that I might be emotional occasionally, what can we do to de-stress those times? -- He said he understands and it's ok for me to be emotional (I WANTED TO HUG HIM) , that feelings will come up and that's ok (MAJOR ATTITUDE CHANGE HIM) -- He said what he can't stand is when I blame him when I feel sad, and when I put him in charge of making me feel better
More different behavior:
-- I did that active listening thing: repeated what he said, asked if that's what he meant, till he said yes that's it
-- I agreed I may be guilty of those things though not always conscious of doing them, and would pay attention to stopping them
-- I complimented him and said one of the things I always liked about him was how he could cheer people up with his wit and charm, and over the years I had come to revel in that and seek him out for that, when I was down; said sorry if I take advantage of him for that
-- I told him I now understand the dynamic of how I OVERLOAD him, and see how that pushes him away
And the icing on the cake:
-- I asked if I let him have space, would he try to not bolt into someone else's arms? -- He looked at me sweetly and repeated that he doesn't want anyone else, he likes us being a couple again, and HE LIKES THE CHANGES HE'S SEEN IN ME OVER THE LAST SIX MONTHS -- When we were fighting all the time, he bolted because he saw no way out of the pressure & pain
You guys, I really think the resolution we just had may be the resolution we have needed for two (or more) years! It feels like we finally got to the kernal of what was wrong, the heart of our misunderstanding.
I'm crying now because when he left me, I kept pursuing him to clear up this exact misunderstanding. But he shut me out completely. I despaired of this terrible misunderstanding ever being resolved. During DB-ing I had to give up "doing things my way" so I gave up on this, too. But now we understand what happened and both care enough to try to fix it.
A major little miracle, eh?
Geez, I want to thank you all for listening to me all year, holding up the blanket so I didn't die when I fell out the window, so to speak (when my H left me). Your support and shared stories have helped me recover my sanity -- fergettabout my M. I am really grateful.
I'm hoping to share a little more strength and calm back with y'all in the upcoming year. You deserve it. We all do.
bridget, thanks for sharing your brilliant insights to your r. it really is amazing how easy it all seems when we just take a step back. it's just having the knowledge that sometimes we need to take a step back.
Bridget, I have been reading your posts for strength and inspiration, and let me say thank you.
If you ever get a chance, I'd love to get your input on my sitch.
I'm under Newcomers. Current thread is SAM W-A-L-King in the Park. All my old threads are also on there. Just looking for some hope, and thought you may have some to send my way. Thanks!
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
It seems ironic in DBing terms, but it appears to occur often enough that a crucial point in the relationship follows this pattern of a key moment where the blacken storm clouds seem to threaten the M's very existance, only to be suddenly followed by pronounced rays of light piercing dramatically through the clouds that leads to a brighten revelation that strenghtens the bond between us and our spouses.
It is truely an inspirational experience and thank you for sharing.
Am having another "breakthrough" and want to journal about it, so here goes:
I was reading an article from smartmarriages.com about recovering from infidelity and found myself ready to face one of my big fears: why did H chase those chicks?
I know why he left home: nothing but anger and pressure at home, but going into the porn business, going to vegas with buddies, beginning to keep secrets -- what was that about?
The therapist in the article (written during the Bill/Monica scandal) talked about healing from infidelity -- yes she says, people can recover.
Interestingly, she said the first question she asks the unfaithful spouse is not "What did you see in the OP?" or "What was missing in the M?" but rather: "What did you like about the person you became during the affair?"
Shockingly, I find myself able to ponder this about my H. It makes sense to me because, looking back, I didn't really become a bitch (of course we had normal ups and downs) until he went down the porn road as a career. I don't think I "drove him away" -- I think developmentally he was missing some ingredients in his life and got excited about going out to get them.
MLC.
So I am ready to ask:
"What exactly did he get, who did he become that jazzed him up, what satisfied him, doing porn, chasing chicks? "
(Odd how I no longer need to throw up thinking about how he could live with himself doing this to me/us.)
I'm ready now to ponder this because I know once again that my H loves me. He actually never stopped loving me (though he thought he had). In fact, he had a lot of guilt and remorse (that he denied and buried) while "surfing for girls." I'm not sure he himself understands "what happened" but I am beginning to.
-- He liked feeling like a BIG SHOT (he'd just been laid off twice) -- He liked getting ATTENTION (being NAUGHTY gets you noticed by men and women!) -- He liked being around WOMEN (in his steady job it was "all guys all the time" -- very unbalanced) -- He liked imagining the porn business would make him VERY RICH -- He liked getting away from HUMDRUM RESPONSIBILITES OF HOME
It's funny, but I don't think anymore that "more SEX" or "a YOUNGER WOMAN" is what he was looking for, although that's what I thought he wanted. Instead, I really think we always had a lot of sexy fun, and he was very satisfied with me -- seeking MORE sex wasn't really his reason for adventuring.
Oh, yeah, maybe the IDEA OF VARIETY appealed to him, but (tee hee) my H has a kind of dog-like loyalty as part of his character, so I think the VARIETY part was mainly FANTASY. And fantasy can be enjoyable for both partners, I think. In practice, though, my H'd be more likely to seek a new girlfriend or wife than "play the field" for satisfaction.)
Hmm... you know, I CAN live with my H needing/wanting to have those needs fulfilled, I think, as long as how he does it isn't in the way of me getting MY NEEDS met.
So how do I support him become a daring, rich, hotshot in the spotlight, with a better balance of male and female friends?
Well, maybe my leadership skills will come in handy.
I can be from Missouri! I can SHOW HIM how it's done by doing it. Ha ha.
Or maybe "Aha!"
My needs are, in fact, not so dissimilar. And doing DB-ing I've been able to put the spotlight on myself and have more fun than I'd had in a long time.
-- I want to be the STAR OF THE MOVIE, or the DIRECTOR, or the SCREENWRITER (watch me!) -- I want to have enough money that I can GIVE SOME AWAY -- I want to relate and BE RELATED TO by friends of all kinds -- I want someone else to be HOUSECLEANER
It's amazing how this week I'm getting to the heart of what has hurt me most, and am reasoning my way out of fear.
Thanks for letting me ponder this in writing, youse guys. You are MY online chat pals, and you make me smile.
I'd love to hear your comments and feedback on my new thoughts.
This is the first time visiting and I am so glad I did.
I would like very much to have your experience thought on my sit since I consider it one of the most difficult.
I need all the help I can get
Hi, I had some time to review your thread. I am glad that you are feeling more and more together as a person and as a partner.
Can I ask you a question??
Did you H ever say that he didn't feel like he loved you anymore??
I have had alot of things happen lately with my H and I think I am going to go for it one way or the other meaning
I am no booby prize
I am a prize
If he can't start owning some responsibility for making this M better I am ready to give him his walking papers. But I mostly feel this way because he said he feels like the last 3-5 years I drained all the love he had for me out of him. Nice huh?
Any response would help. We have counseling on Thursday.
