Holidays went smoothly, very little stress. H is home, we are sharing ideas, even playing a little music together, happy & calm.
But then we both caught colds and were sensitive and needy at the same time.
I got sad and couldn't shake the negativity, got clingy. H got overloaded, snapped at me, stormed out, threatened not to come back.
I started to shake and sob (fortunately he was gone) because this was an EXACT re-enactment of the beginning of our estrangement.
Now what? Chase him down the street?
Instead I talked to my MIL and vented. She reminded me of all the progress we've made, and patted me on the back for "saving my marriage single-handed" this year. Boy, that was nice to hear.
Took the day off work. Went for a hike with my dogs. (My dogs are great clowns.)
Calmed down, dressed up, called H on his cell and spoke in an upbeat tone. Told him I realized I was being selfish. I was low cuz of my cold, was sorry. Let's not let this escalate ok? Asked him out for coffee.
Here's what's different:
-- He met me for cofee and wasn't scowling -- I was dressed prettily and smiled -- He had called work to see if I was OK (and was worried when I wasn't there) -- I never got defensive -- I copped to being whiny, moody and pushy earlier, said I was sorry -- I didn't accuse him of "not being responsive to my moods and needs"
MAJOR BREAKTHROUGH: We re-framed our incident as a bump in the road not something dire, and then had an open talk about what made things get bad quickly.
-- He demanded that I never grab at him when we disagree, he thinks of it as an attack -- I told him I grab at him involuntarily ("don't go") but will make a big effort to never do it again, since I see how it threatens him (MAJOR ATTITUDE CHANGE ME) -- I reminded him that I'm not habitually moody or needy nowadays (thanks DB) but that I might be emotional occasionally, what can we do to de-stress those times? -- He said he understands and it's ok for me to be emotional (I WANTED TO HUG HIM) , that feelings will come up and that's ok (MAJOR ATTITUDE CHANGE HIM) -- He said what he can't stand is when I blame him when I feel sad, and when I put him in charge of making me feel better
More different behavior:
-- I did that active listening thing: repeated what he said, asked if that's what he meant, till he said yes that's it
-- I agreed I may be guilty of those things though not always conscious of doing them, and would pay attention to stopping them
-- I complimented him and said one of the things I always liked about him was how he could cheer people up with his wit and charm, and over the years I had come to revel in that and seek him out for that, when I was down; said sorry if I take advantage of him for that
-- I told him I now understand the dynamic of how I OVERLOAD him, and see how that pushes him away
And the icing on the cake:
-- I asked if I let him have space, would he try to not bolt into someone else's arms? -- He looked at me sweetly and repeated that he doesn't want anyone else, he likes us being a couple again, and HE LIKES THE CHANGES HE'S SEEN IN ME OVER THE LAST SIX MONTHS -- When we were fighting all the time, he bolted because he saw no way out of the pressure & pain
You guys, I really think the resolution we just had may be the resolution we have needed for two (or more) years! It feels like we finally got to the kernal of what was wrong, the heart of our misunderstanding.
I'm crying now because when he left me, I kept pursuing him to clear up this exact misunderstanding. But he shut me out completely. I despaired of this terrible misunderstanding ever being resolved. During DB-ing I had to give up "doing things my way" so I gave up on this, too. But now we understand what happened and both care enough to try to fix it.
A major little miracle, eh?
Geez, I want to thank you all for listening to me all year, holding up the blanket so I didn't die when I fell out the window, so to speak (when my H left me). Your support and shared stories have helped me recover my sanity -- fergettabout my M. I am really grateful.
I'm hoping to share a little more strength and calm back with y'all in the upcoming year. You deserve it. We all do.
