Thanks for the great advice and insights. Virginia, I completely understand what you are saying about not putting the cart before the horse. I know I need to stop any talk about R/M, but at the same time I knew I couldn't live with myself if I didn't get the whole outbreak thing off my chest. In addition, I was feeling bad about him coming over to the house, having unprotected sex, etc. I thought more about waiting to approach that until he comes home again and was worried that that might be an awkward situation to be in and thought it might be easier for me if I talked to him about it when he wasn't home, if that makes sense.
I also know that my feelings are wrong to want him to come home right now. Believe me, I do completely get that I should not feel that way. And I know I shouldn't have told him that I do feel that way. I'm just being honest with you guys, as always, and I'm scared and I do enjoy any ounce of affection he's willing to throw my way. When you feel "rejected" by someone, as I do, it's hard to not feel anything when they do show you affection, whether that's the "right" way to feel or not.
I know we need to wait to work on the whole communication thing until he has agreed to recommit to our M and has shown he is willing to do that by coming home and leaving behind OW.
So I talked to my counselor today. Regarding what 1210 said about the neurosis, counselor said that everyone has a form of neurosis and that that is kind of what she is talking about as far as the "desperate, needy little girl" idea that I already told you about. She said she felt like 1210 was blaming me for everything that is happening in our M/R and not giving the appropriate blame to H for having an A. I told her that I felt that that was most likely because the goal of DBing is that we can only change ourselves and that hopefully that will bring about changes in those around us and that 1210 is only giving me advice on what *I* can do to help make things better. She reiterated the fact that it's important, though, that I do remember that there is no excuse for H having made the choice to have an A, that there were lots of other choices he could have made and didn't and that I can't blame myself for his poor choice in that regard. And I do understand and believe that. It doesn't mean it's not hard to deal with still, but I do understand that.
So I didn't really get an "yes, that is exactly what this is" type of response from her as far as the neurosis. I'm not sure what to think of that... We did talk about separating from our parents and building our own lives as adults and the fact that we do have a dysfunction in my family of having excluded a sibling that I haven't talked to for probably 17 years now. She thought that may be part of where my fear of being alone might stem from.
Well, I've gotta run to a meeting but have lots more to tell you. Will check back in later.
