Preparing for the end game, maybe.

[LoginName]

Do I sound positive? I guess I am to a degree. I feel I'll be ok, my kids will be ok, even my W will be ok, and I have a shot at saving my M. It still hurts like hell. I still cry harder than I thought possible (although not nearly as often).

Today, this morning especially, I had to fight the feeling of "what about me!". Why does she get everything she wants and I get nothing. Why does she get to chase her dream, feel good about herself, be relieved of her sense of duty, and not work on our R, while I have to push my needs down, ignore my fears and anger, support her and love her to the best of my ability, without any expectation of appreciation or reward. Why? When do I get mine? Why don't I go and find someone who would appreciate me, fill my needs (as I would fill hers), and be happy?

The answer is kind of in my lament. You don't love in order to get rewarded or appreciated. It's hard not to expect a little something though. And, looking at through a DBer's eyes, there have been many small positives.

I fear though, that if I'm not careful, my M could work out in a way but I'll be right back to where I was a year or so ago: in a M where I didn't feel loved and where passion and intimacy was missing. I won't go back to that. I will, I am, fighting like hell to keep my M and to make it better, and I can't stop fighting if things get back to the bad normal it used to be. I have to keep DBing, maybe for the rest of the M, however long that might be.

I've got a lot I want to say and share, and have a dialoge on, but if I take the time to think it out and put it into logical order, I won't get around to it. So I'll babble and journal instead.

Today we signed loan papers to buy her house (she always says 'our' house, I'm always careful to say her house)in AR. It's a little scary, but she is very happy and excited. She thanked me for helping so much, and doing so much, and she gave me a hug. One of the few she has given me. Maybe more telling, when she tried to get around me in the kitchen while we were getting dinner on the table, she put her hand on my hip. She had been going around or other actions to avoid that kind of casual contact. I know, it means nothing. And yet, DB says to look for baby steps, and appreciate the positive, as a means to keep going and remain patient if for no other reason.

So, we're doing it. She will be moving. We will be physically separated. And maybe our M will be saved along the way, or maybe not.

With the mortgage; we are doing something that I think is a little rare. We are buying the house in AR with a home equity loan on the current house, then we will sell this house and use the proceeds to pay off the home equity loan. The bank thought I was going to AR too, and they wanted a letter from my employer saying I'd be able to keep my job and work from AR and not have a cut in pay. When my W and I first started this plan, I'd talked to my supervisor, and she thought I could probably work form AR and keep my job. Since, I've kind of received a promotion, and a new boss. This boss wouldn't go along with that idea and wouldn't sign a letter saying I could work from AR. So before, my W and my plan was that after a while (maybe 2 years after son graduates, or earlier if my W just missed me too much :-) ) then I'd take my job to AR and work remotely. Now, that might not be an option. There are no jobs for me in my field in AR.

I haven't told my W this yet, and I don't think I will. I'll see what happens down the road. If she wants me in AR, and I want to go, then I'll see if my boss will let me work from AR or if I have to quit, or keep up a long distance M.

At the company where I work, quite a few of the people, managers included, are out of state and work by internet, phone, IM, etc. Maybe, after a couple of years working here, they'll be impressed enough with me that they'll let me work remotely too.

As it is now, my boss would support me working from AR for maybe a week out of the month or some other arrangement. I should be able to take a few long weekends, maybe while kids are out of school, and drive to AR and work from there.

I worry now about sleeping arraingments. If the whole family travels to AR, and we stop half way in a hotel, will my W and I share a bed? In AR, in OUR new house, will I have to sleep on the couch? You know, in a way I don't know if I'm ready to sleep with her yet. I know I want to get to that point, and if she said she wanted to join me in bed I'd agree (no matter what reservations I have :-) ).

Oh well. I'll keep on plugging. I'm going to try to start a thread about Love (probably not the first one to do that). I think I'll write some of the things I've discovered on this journey (maybe some of it will help others).

while my W was in AR house hunting, I was more relaxed, a little happier. Maybe separation will be good for me (although I do fear that maybe I'll decide I don't want her back - as well as fearing she won't want me). I could be myself a bit.

Enough babbling for now, at least on my thread. Not even going to spell check, just going to click submit. ;-)