I understand some of what you are saying about escape versus validation and that may be true for some. In my XH's case he did get validation from me and has directly said that. He said his problem was that he has self-esteem problems which led him to need more and more validation from others. Chrome's description of himself as someone that has self validation and self -esteem problems is what makes me wonder if his affair was more about seeking validation.
Chrome needs to understand the complications that the affairs have caused. To be clear, Mrs Chrome getting over the affairs is one step. The problem is that Chrome has also been pushing her for more intimacy and affection at the same time she is working through the affair. So at the same time she is trying to deal with the lasting affects from the affairs he is also "pushing" her to "change." How in the world would she not put 2 and 2 together - that Chrome is looking for her to change to make him happy?
Affairs are not necessarily about getting something from an OW or OM that you cannot get from your spouse. They can also be about getting something that you cannot get from yourself. My XH swears that there was NOTHING I could have been or done to stop his EAs and PA because there were not because of ME. There happened because he NEEDED validation from someone else. I gave him validation but he needed MORE because he did not have it from within.
This is why I am so adamant that Chrome needs to be able to validate himself first or else he is just using his wife (or EA partner or future relationship) as a crutch for his self-esteem. That is NOT a permanent or healthy state of being. If you have to rely on someone else that is a lot of pressure on them. What if they have a bad or busy day and are not "there" for you?
I also do not believe that it is his job to validate his wife and prop up her self-esteem. I do think that within a marriage/relationship there does need to be mutual respect and admiration but that is for the RELATIONSHIP and not to "make" the other feel like they are okay. I still struggle with how to get this across to Chrome.
An example is that if someone does not feel good about themselves - their looks, etc. - and then meet someone who "makes" them feel good, then they assume that they are in love. So what happens when their partner does not make them feel good, does that mean they are no longer in love? What if they meet someone else that "makes" them feel good, are they in love with the new person? My point is that I cannot and do not expect my partner to always be there to "make" me feel good. In my personal example, I have days where I feel "fat and ugly" (not a big deal just the normal self doubts). If Raven says I look beautiful on those days, I appreciate it but it does not "fix" everything. And vice versa, if I feel like I look great and Raven does not comment on how I look, I still feel good about myself. Maybe he is just distracted by his kids, issues with XW, forgets to say out loud what he is thinking , or whatever. The point is I know how I feel about myself regardless of what Ravens says or does. Now as far as the relationship of course I want and need to hear compliments from him (and him from me).
None of this is at all about blaming or judging Chrome. I admire him for facing all of these issues. I just would like to encourage him to break things down into manageable issues. Again I do not see much need for him to do anything more about the EAs other than to tell his wife he was wrong, he regrets what it did to her and the marriage and he will not do it again.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
, or whatever. The point is I know how I feel about myself regardless of what Ravens says or does. Now as far as the relationship of course I want and need to hear compliments from him (and him from me). 