Moving over here from Piecing after H decided to take some more time to decide if he really truly wants to be married. I am trying to adjust and realized I need to decide if I want to be married to him no matter what he decides. I am feeling sad that we are where we are.
Here is a brief review:
Married almost 30 years One D16 H had on/off again affair for 3 plus years (we lived together the whole time) July 2006 he asked me for a D July/Aug 2006 working with divorce mediator. H moved out. Sept 2006 H said he changed his mind
Current situation:
H thinks I'm trying to keep him from having friends (esp FF). He wants to be able to come and go without telling me where he is, who he is with, and when he'll be home. We bought a boat after he moved back. He put it in the water this past Thursday and has been staying there. Has been home only to shower. He took his wedding ring off again.
My quest:
1. Figure out why I am jealous of his FF (I feel I have very valid reasons!!!!). I am actually jealous of the time he spends with friends compared to the time he spends with me!
2. Figure out why I haven't gotten our house decluttered (This is major reason he said he wasn't happy in our marriage. I thought that was a pretty surface reason. Maybe I'm avoiding having a clean house so if he says he wants a divorce I won't feel it's about ME....just the lack of my housecleaning skills).
I am trying to adjust and realized I need to decide if I want to be married to him no matter what he decides.
(((((Matilda)))))
Sometimes long term decisions, especially emotional ones, are best made when there is as little background noise as possible. Marriage can be fraught with complications, children, the extended family, friends and the list goes on. Have you had time to quell the external noise?
How is D16 taking all this?
Have you taken care of your financial future, regardless of what happens?
Could it be that you have not been decluttering because you do not want him back By the way, in our home and those of most of our friends, the H shares decluttering tasks.
Her comment was "He'll probably change his mind again".
Not making any long term decisions at this point. It's only been a few days and still trying to grasp that idea. Trying to give him space. The frustrating thing is he asked what we should do. He thought we needed time apart. I told him I thought we needed time together without outside interference. He chose his way.
Already I am frustrated with some of his decisions and it shows again what a low priority I am! My parents are having a celebration of their 60th wedding anniversary this weekend. H is "on call" so we knew a month ago that he probably would not be able to go (it's in a different state). Meanwhile, today we get an invitation to his brother's birthday party in May (and it just happens to be a joint party with his FF) and he told me he had already asked for a vacation day! Funny how he could ask off for his brother's birthday, but not for my parent's party. GGGGGRRRRR!!!! And he thinks I'm crazy for feeling second rate.
I'll work on quelling the noise. Thanks, Slowly! Appreciate your feedback as always!
Matilda - On the clutter question - I know it seems superficial to you - and to me - but it really isn't to them. It took me a really long time to realize that my H wasn't just being picky or whiny about the clutter; he truly cannot relax or sleep well when the room is cluttered.
Check out Flylady's website for some inspiring and helpful approaches to clutter.
Ellie, thanks for the web site. Lots of good ideas! I realize the shape of the house IS important to my H, but I still have difficulty putting it on equal footing to having an affair. Might have to clean up in order to sell the house. Now that is sad! Meanwhile I'll keep working at it step by step.
Here is a post from Concerned_Listener at the end of my last thread. I know I need to concentrate on changes I need to make, but wondering if there is any benefit to examining these questions now.
"Sorry to hear about the news. It's not a suprise, given what you've been describing about him. It didn't sound like he was invested in working on the M.
He sounds like a person in a MLC, who hasn't figured-out what he needs to pursue to make him happy. Does he seem happy to you? If he has an idea of what he needs to pursue, can you support this?
You've said that he revealed the EA to you and what happened. This is good. Was there remorse?
Were there conversations regarding what was learned from the EA, so that he could chart a path for personal growth, that you could support? Were there changes in each person following the affair, indicating each person was striving for growth, followed by changes in relating to each other in ways that supported each individual? I'm trying to understand what's going on here, what is still unresolved, and what positives you have to work with.
This is a sign that changes still need to occur for both parties. He needs to invest in the M, rather than blaming it for his unhappiness. He needs to pursue activities in life that will truly make him happy. You need to increase your independence, self-confidence, and sense of personal power so that you can weather your marital storms, and his MLC. You don't want to put your entire life on hold while he is distant from the M. The goal is to have two happy, self-confident, powerful people, who share their strengths.
CL "
H surprised us last night by stopping over. He came to the house to do laundry. He fell asleep in front of the tv so stayed the night.(and he is still in the chair in front of the tv). I tried to just smile and not ask too many questions. It's a bit awkward again! I was thinking of asking him if he wants to stay for a home cooked meal tonight. He can have the house to himself during the day since D16 will be at school and I will be at work. D16 has a function at 7pm so it seems like it would be an easy exit. I would think the boat would be feelig pretty small to him at this point.
oh hon, I'm sorry you are on limbo again, hugs)))))))))
============= 1. Figure out why I am jealous of his FF ============== Because you are a normal woman!!! I can't think of any woman I know who thinks it is ok for her H to come and go and hang out with FF all the time! I'd be royally PO'd if my H did that, you were so good to him and patient, he just wants to live the life of a bachelor. Either he is in a mini MLC or when he was away (physically/mentally) he hung out w/the care free crowd who dont' give a hoot about anything and who party all the time.
============ Figure out why I haven't gotten our house decluttered (This is major reason he said he wasn't happy in our marriage. I thought that was a pretty surface reason. Maybe I'm avoiding having a clean house so if he says he wants a divorce I won't feel it's about ME....just the lack of my housecleaning skills). =========== Unless you were the cat lady who hoarded 120+ cats I dont' think he has grounds to say that is the reason why he wasnt' happy, that is BS, he just wants to "live it up" like a teenager. My H is a pack rat and as a typical ADHDer he has "piles" everywhere in the house--but I would never attribute my H's messiness w/our troubles even if it does make me unconfortable.
My H never did care for neatness since his parents were neat freaks and drove him crazy, thus he ended on the other side of the spectrum (his room was so cluttered you could not see the floor, there was 2 feet of "stuff" all over. I try to give him bookcases for his stuff, and periodically grab a bag and toss stuff I know is 100% trash (old receipts of food, wrappers, ect). Same when I clean my home, w/my 2 kids and endlless junk I walk around w/3 plastic bags, one for trash, one for stuff that doesn't belong there (spoons, tools) and one bag for toys.
Go to the container store and buy some neat organizers, and if you have not used something for over a few months, stuff it in a box and drop it at the nearest thrift shop.
Hang in there gal, hope he grows up and stop pointing fingers at you.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Matilda, I'm glad (and sad) that you're joining us in the Infidelity forum. I know you're highly frustrated with your H, and his persistence in not working with you on issues that are important to you. I've met some wonderful people here, and feel well-taken care of, and know you will too.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
With the decluttering... sometimes it helps to have a friend help out with this. (I've gone to friends houses and helped them do this... filling out a huge trash bag or two, or filling the back of a car or truck with stuff for donation). Having an outsider can make a bid difference. And even if you don't have any friends available, you might be able to hire someone to help with this. I tend to collect things, but have learned to "shed stuff" and de-junk my home over the years. It does feel really good! Like losing weight!!!!
But don't do it just for your husband, do it for yourself.
I can't blame you for feeling uncomfortable about your husband's FF. We can't always change our husband's choices in something like this, but make sure you have a great network of friends too. Maybe both female and male...
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
By the way, in our home and those of most of our friends, the H shares decluttering tasks. 
Might have to clean up in order to sell the house. Now that is sad! Meanwhile I'll keep working at it step by step.