I understand that an EA can be devastating because of the emotions involved. But compared to the damage done from family, I think it pales in comparison. It is easy to get hurt over an EA. Chrome’s W can put her finger on a name, a time and a place. It is identifiable and she can focus on a perpetrator. She can visualize events. Sure there is an intimate bond that was broken, a violation of trust that hurts a lot. I was cheated on years ago in college. It hurt like hell.
But looking back, the pain I suffered was nothing compared to the more insidious, unidentifiable pain I suffered from my parents and the consequence to my M. Continued damage from dysfunctional but caring relatives is the very same influence that helped to shape a person into who they are today. How can it be that more of the same is damaging? But it can be. And it is so hard to see. That is why it is even more dangerous to a marriage, IMO. There is way too much denial involved in identifying the continuing enabling that comes from enmeshment with family. There are not the same romantic interests that create the jealousy and hurt the other spouse feels in an EA, but the effects on the M are what is important.
The damage from a meddling, dysfunctional parent or friend seems so much like care and empathy. To most of us, it can be hard to blame the family for lending support to our spouse. Chrome has a hard time blaming his in-laws for supporting his W. But the problems his W brings to the M came from those same people. Those problems run deeper than anything he created with an EA. He may have caused his W to feel more pain, but her parents did more to destroy the marriage than he ever did, just as his parents had the same impact on ensuring he would not have a healthy marriage either. No EA can bring about that much damage.
The EA only exposes the problem. It is not the problem itself.
