I can't stand anymore

[HalfMissing]

Hi. I am ok. I had to stop posting and reading for a while, it was too painful.

I did not start a relationship other than friendship with this man and it really hurt that everyone seemed to be jumping on me for saying that if my H divorced me I would start a relationship at that time. That is what upset me so much and made me step back from this board.

My H has talked about divorce but I asked him to wait because I am not emotionally ready right now. He wants to use a mediator that he found and I am really worried about what to do about the equity in the home. We have discussed general divorce issues and we agree on all the basics like custody, holidays, child support, cars, etc. About the house, I cannot buy him out and worry that I couldn't refinance enough to pay him his share. He said he wants to have his part of the equity go towards the kids college but I don't know if a judge would allow this. I thought that I could set up a trust fund for the kids that I would pay into over the years and in return he would let me have the equity. H would agree to this but I don't know if a judge would allow this. (We are talking $100K.) Does anyone know what options there are for this?

Part of me thinks I should agree to do the mediation sooner rather than later because if he gets more serious with the OW she will try to get him to keep the money for her instead of giving it to the kids. If I do it now, he is still very accomodating. Supposedly, he has not been intimate with the OW but is still in touch with her. I think it is very possible she is scamming him for money and that is why she did not want to have their relationship get to that level.

I did have a R talk with H yesterday. He still cannot give any reasons as for what was wrong with the marriage. I told him that I believe the whole thing is related to his depression that he admits he has. H agreed to read part of The Depression Sourcebook that deals with major depression. I know everyone says not to ask them to read books and such but I had to do what I thought was best. He seemed receptive to the idea. I do not think that everyone's MLC had to be the same, so I felt it was worth a try. H is still nice to me but is obviously very confused when I talk to him. He has been having anxiety attacks and actually called 911 once thinking he was having a heart attack. They kept him overnight but found nothing of course.

I am doing ok. I am still having tremendous trouble being productive at work. The nicer weather seems to help because I can go outside. I can't wait to plant flowers in May. I go up and down with my mood. I am not really hopeful H will ever come out of this.

The kids are doing ok. S7 is acting some, fighting with D10. D10 is doing well. They see H this next weekend. I miss them so much when they are gone. Have to keep busy with chores. I might go on a bike ride at the park. I don't have any friends to go with and I am scared to go alone for safety reasons, but I might just do it anyway.