The darkness does not endure!

[BeingMe]

I am trying to hang in there, Phoenix. But, it is so hard. I am feeling somewhat depressed today, and very disheartened. Flashbacks of the time during the EA keep coming back, playing through my head ... things that were said about me to OW ... the way he ended it and wanting to come back to me, but not because he loved me, but for the sake of his family (the children and I). I know, I know, I am heading for that obsessive spiral, and I am trying to stop the thoughts. I am trying desperately to detach, carry on with GAL, but I am finding it really, really hard.

I was doing so well, but starting to feel really resentful of his lack of action (btw, it seems our not ML is my fault because I didn't communicate to him at the proper time or in the proper manner my emotional need for more romance - go figure! However, he didn't bother to try and tell me that that is how he was feeling ... I have to just guess). I feel I am back to square one, with that awful feeling of dread, helplessness, despondency, disinterest in anything, sadness, unsafe ... just plain depressed.

The title of this thread is "the darkness does not endure", but I feel it can return, if one is not vigilant. I lost my focus, was not vigilant, and am not hopeful, at this time, that I can really do much about my M anymore. We talked about our R this whole weekend, and his responses are rather lacklustre, and did not give me the feeling of being reassured. A lot of things were said by both of us, some I regret as it was said from an emotional standpoint (for example, I asked how often he thought about the OW, and he said never, unless I bring it up - ugh, I felt so stupid). It's pretty much up to him now, and he won't be around much from next month, to do anything. I wish he could've been more active in winning back my trust, instead of taking it all for granted again.

Ugh! Sorry, this is such a long ramble again, but it does help to get it out. I hope to be in a more positive state tomorrow. I just have to figure what I'm going to do with my life if he's not in it on a permanent basis. I think once I figure that out, then maybe I will feel more in control of my own life (at least, part of it). I feel I have fallen into the trap of relying on him as my sole friend, and emotional focus, and I can't do that because he could do it all again, so I have to be prepared for the worst, but try and hope for the best. At this point, I can feel the emotional bonds tearing, and it's painful, as I desperately try again to detach, and move on with my life. Some goals I have come up with, other than what I have been doing (and have allowed to pretty much let slide in the last month):

Volunteer (probably something to do with the environment)
Keep writing
Take more courses at local college (I have been studying, but I find correspondence study very isolating and, consequently, difficult to handle)
Paint
Make new friends
Reconnect with my authentic self, and find fulfilment without the need for my H being in my life
I need to find my passion in life again.