I agree with your outlook. I see Chrome’s EAs as symptoms of the deeper problems. It doesn’t matter if there were 1 or 2 EAs. If his W doesn’t address here part of the problem, there might be more, or there might be a D. Either way, it will be because she is not addressing and fixing her part (assuming Chrome continues to do his part).
Furthermore, if the second was with LFL, then what is there for MrsChrome to be upset about? I don’t know what went on but I will assume it was only email correspondence. How much different could that be from what is posted on this board everyday, except that it is one on one. In fact, let’s turn this around. The definition of EA that I’ve seen here is something that breaks the EC between a couple, where one person is discussing intimate or vulnerable things that s/he should be reserving for the spouse. Not discussing those things precludes the opportunity for better bonding, plus the spouse feels betrayed because the other did not have the faith to trust him/her with such intimate issues. Is that a general definition we can agree on?
If so, then I would wager that Chrome’s wife is also guilty of an EA. Maybe not in the same as Chrome, in that she may not have been discussing romantic issues, but I do think she could have been discussing heartfelt issues with her mother or her friends that she should have reserved for Chrome, issues that could have brought them closer together. Chrome has even stated that he feels like an outsider with her family and in her small hometown setting. Part of this may be him. Maybe he is not so outgoing or that much of a people person, but maybe it is also his W, that she is not going to any length to include him into her circle. How is that any less damaging than Chrome talking to LFL?
Does it matter that LFL was a woman? Women discuss such matters between themselves all the time, rather than discuss them with their husbands. MWD and many others warn against this. Friends and relations are biased toward the one spouse and can actually drive a bigger wedge in the marriage, even though they mean well (or do they?) Does this not have the same effect as an EA between two people of the opposite sex? MrsChrome is as responsible for creating the conditions that led to the “EA” as Chrome was. She is also as responsible for perpetuating those conditions and not working with Chrome, instead turning to outsiders for the understanding and comfort she should allow herself to receive from Chrome.
As I recall, Chrome’s C recommended that he not discuss his “EA” with LFL. I think that is good advice from the standpoint of the M. If it prevents Chrome from being committed and honest because of his sense of guilt, then he might rethink his C’s advice. But I for one see nothing to gain from giving his W more ammunition to resent him when she is as guilty of emotional abandonment as he is. She is in an entitlement mode right now. She is entrenched in victim-think. Chrome telling her that he had a so called “EA” with LFL is only going to harden her position. This will not help the M.
Cadesmom, Heywire,
I am sorry for the pain you have gone through with repeated affairs. At the same time, I do not understand why you would do so, especially to the point of questioning yourself. I don’t think Chrome’s wife should go there. I don’t think Chrome would want her to go there. If she ever does, I don’t think the marriage will last. It is in her interests and Chrome’s that she learn what she wants in life and how to assert the needed boundaries to get there.
And that's exactly where Chrome's W is. Her whole world has been blown apart and what she thought was real, was a lie and she is now even doubting herself. A horrible, horrible place to be.
I believe this statement is misleading. What MrsChrome was living before was a lie. Her FOO was a lie. Her world was never solid to begin with. Chrome was not solid either and the cracks were bound to show up one way or another. It just so happens that an EA was the means to expose those cracks. It could have been any number of other incidents to cause the marriage to fail. If not now, then later.
As horrible as t his lesson may be, it is really a blessing in disguise. It is the only way to salvage their M and their lives, for themselves and their kids. What has blown apart is her façade of self delusion. Chrome’s façade has also been broken. It is not a bad thing, though it is painful.
