It's been awhile but since it was discussed but there was indeed and 2nd individual that he fell into another EA with. It's just my gut speaking, but I have a definite feeling that his wife might have suspected...but of course I could be wrong about that.
I thought it was twice with the same woman... not that that makes it any better... I have a very different opinion on EAs than most people here, and I don't really want to get into a philosophical discussion about it (not being harsh... just don't want to high jack and divert Chrome's thread).
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Either way though she would definitely be feeling resentment, as you say, regarding his having the EA and him expecting HER to be the one changing. It's not as easy as just losing her resentment to move forward "if" the A's have never really been dealt with.
True enough. I'm not saying a person heals overnight... Jesus, I can attest to that one. From his posts, however, I thought they had discussed it in depth. I agree with you... the A must be dealt with... but at some point, as you pointed out, too... the person who has been 'cheated on,' has to either move forward... or not.
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Corrie, I don't remember if you've mentioned this or not...have you ever been cheated on?
Yes.
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I mean, if you were...were you able to just drop the resentment to move on? I hope that didn't come across as condesceniding...that's not the intent. I'm really just asking an honest question to see what perspective you are coming at this from.
The most difficult thing most people have a hard time with involving affaris (of any type), is not necessarily the 'acts' which do or don't occur... but the LYING that goes with it. THAT is what gets the other person. No... dropping my resentment was not an overnight experience. I wasn't suggesting Ms. Chrome now has to drop her resentment. My point was that if she is going to move forward with Chrome, the resentment has to go. It is something she has to actively work on, just like Chrome must address HIS issues.
Most people, as has been pointed out here, can get over a 'first time.' The second (or third) time is an entirely different issue. Resentment will take that much longer.
My best friend is going through such a thing herself. Everything is now out in the open...(her issue is not with an affair, but the lying that occured for her issue is every bit as damaging were her H to have had an affair)... AND it is the SECOND time it has happened.
She is completely AWARE that she is half at fault for everything that led up to the second occurrence... she is NOT responsible for his lying... and boy is she angry, hurt and resentful. She is now at the stage where she has to let go of her resentment in order for her M to recover, and she is really, really struggling with it.
When she hangs on to her resentment, she doesn't have to forgive him or herself, and she gets to be 'right.' But she feels really miserable. When she actively works on letting go of her resentment, she has to take responsibility for her part in the issue, and for actively changing her own behaviors that will help imporve her M.
Neither way is easy. And BOTH spouses have to somehow find compassion and empthay and paitence with themselves and each other, to boot.
I will be the first to step forward and claim to one and all just how FCKING hard it is... if anyone has read ANY of my recent posts, I'm living in Erratic Zone myself... but for different reasons.
Recovery in an M takes two. Everything they are BOTH going through is understandable. So... I was just making some observations, that's all. I'm not saying Chrome is innocent, and I'm not saying that Mrs. Chrome is being unreasonable.
I think them both going to MC was a great suggestion.
