Is chasing a fantasy a dead end path that can be resolved through accountability?
Accountability for what though? Chrome is accountable for his EAs. His wife is accountable for the changes that she needs to make. With that being said, how are we any farther ahead? SHE needs to realize that she is accountable and that realization is being very muddied right now because Chrome's actions have drawn the spotlight away from her and her issues-he cheated on her and right now that trumps everything else, like it or not. I know I didn't
If Chrome’s W were to ask him what he wants and he gave her some ideas, then it would be up to her to decide if she could/would meet those goals.
Right, if you were starting from square 1, i.e. without an A. Now that the trust has been breached, whatever Chrome wants is going to come back to the A. Until it has been resolved. I didn't realize this was true in Chrome's case until now because he said his W never really had an intense emotional reaction to his disclosure. But it's obviously been bothering her and she's been thinking about it and it's probably been festering inside her ever since he told her. The fact that she hasn't had an intense emotional reaction may mean that she doesn't even trust him enough to disclose her feelings. All that needs to be addressed before she's ever going to feel secure and open enough for the kind of intimacy Chrome is looking for.
Why do you think this? Are other women smarter than you? Are they more capable as a mother? Are they more sexy and desirable? Before you answer, first define smarter, better, more sexy. There is no one answer.
No, they're not. That's my point. So why the heck is what H has not good enough? I would like to lose 10 lbs for instance. But, by most people's standards, I'm already thin. But I weigh a lot more than the models on the internet. I'm very competitive....my H likes very attractive, thin women. All I can is try to meet that ideal. But Eddie so eloquently summed it up with his post below from another thread:
What's porn got that a flesh-and-blood woman that I can actually touch doesn't?
First, of course, it's got a complete disinterest in my shortcomings as a person. The actress wants sex, and doesn't care what you've done wrong or failed to do right and isn't interested in testing you and won't lose their attraction to you by discovering your insecurities.
And the actress doesn't show any insecurities herself. She likes her body, she's proud of it, and she loves having it touched and using it to touch someone else. She likes the guy's body and can't get enough of it. She's positively eager to try things, and she instantly gets into it. She can't control herself, she doesn't want to control herself, and she certainly doesn't waste any time forgetting about everything else but the sex.
And the sex always goes well, there's never any awkwardness, she never fails to orgasm, and she's always smiling and out of breath afterwards.
And, of course, there's the variety. Can you be red-haired and freckled and Asian and 18 years old and long-haired and Hispanic and blonde and short and large-breasted and tall and small-breasted and athletic and slim and curvaceous? All at the same time? I didn't think so.
As you pointed out, trying to compete with that is a losing game. But since I can't stop H from doing what he's gonna do....competing is all I can do. It's not fair that I have to try to be physically perfect....but coming as close as possible while still being me is the only option I see. At least I know that I've done all I can. I say it won't matter precisely because of the things Eddie pointed out-no matter how hard I try, I can't beat that ideal. So, I can change until I'm dead and my H will probably still view porn or at least he'll still want to.
The key, IMO, is not worrying over your flaws, but recognizing that you have flaws and are willing to address them with your spouse.
I wouldn't have worried over them until I found out that my H was seeking a substitute. Then, what do you have left to do but worry and/or try to change? I'm not worried about my H leaving me. I know I wouldn't be alone for long. I'm worried about the opposite-about staying married forever to a jerk man who doesn't acknowledge how good he's got it and refuses to put me first....forever.
All his W can do is judge Chrome’s trustworthiness based on his actions and put her trust in him. The more he can uphold her expectations, the safer she feels and the more love she will hopefully feel in return.
But his trustworthiness is being tested simply by him pushing for her to change, IMO. She needs to feel secure again after such a betrayal and she has not had that luxury because Chrome has been pushing her for change all along.
Should she feel that he is “one up” because he asked her to change rather than doing it on her own? How much of that dilemma is influenced by ego, and therefore by lack of self confidence?
I'm saying that he's cheated on her and then tells her she needs to change. That didn't go over so well with my H, probably wouldn't go over so well with me had the situation been reversed and it doesn't look like it's going over so well with Chrome's W either. It doesn't sound like true repentance when you tell someone something awful that you've done and then tell THEM that THEY need to change. It seems contrary to being sorry and even implies that what you've done is their fault because had they been the way you needed them to be in the first place, then perhaps you wouldn't have cheated. There's absolutely no way around addressing cheating in a M and everything else is secondary. Trust me
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
