I understand what you are saying. It is hard to live up to a fantasy, especially when you don’t know what the other person’s fantasy really is, and most likely, the other person doesn’t really know him/herself. But does it have to be that way? Is chasing a fantasy a dead end path that can be resolved through accountability?
If Chrome’s W were to ask him what he wants and he gave her some ideas, then it would be up to her to decide if she could/would meet those goals. If not, she can counter propose. He can then decide if he will accept her counter. Either way, once an agreement is made, it is up to each person to honor their side of the agreement and be accountable for that. But it is also important for each person to come to terms with the fact that each is settling for less that his/her ideal.
If it troubles MrsChrome that Chrome is accepting her new self as only being part of who he would ideally like, then she needs to work on her self confidence. Most likely, she is also accepting him for being only part of what she would ideally like him to be. He will have to learn to control the anxiety that thought might give him. But both of them will make a choice and then both will need to be accountable to that choice. So love can be a choice.
Love also means putting forth a level of faith that the other person can control any anxiety that their partner is less than an imaginary ideal, without leaving to seek out that ideal. As long as words and actions of the spouse speak toward a commitment to the R, resolving the anxiety in the other spouse is that spouse’s issue. There is no guarantee a spouse will not leave for someone else in the future. That can always happen. But if needs are being met and respect maintained for YOU by your spouse, that spouse will likely prefer to stay than leave.
This kind of change is a fruitless endeavor because I honestly don't feel like any kind of change will be good enough....
Why do you think this? Are other women smarter than you? Are they more capable as a mother? Are they more sexy and desirable? Before you answer, first define smarter, better, more sexy. There is no one answer. Comparing yourself to some ideal is a losing game. The key, IMO, is not worrying over your flaws, but recognizing that you have flaws and are willing to address them with your spouse.
She's not responsible for what Chrome did, so from her perspective, how is changing going to prevent it in the future?
It won’t. All his W can do is judge Chrome’s trustworthiness based on his actions and put her trust in him. The more he can uphold her expectations, the safer she feels and the more love she will hopefully feel in return.
Now, we all know that the goal is to change yourself into the person you want to be, into a person that your partner will want to be with. But she needs to come to that realization in THAT way....not as a result of 'giving Chrome what he wants'.
Why does this really matter? Does it mean more that she changes because it was her idea to become a better person or that it was his idea in order to save the marriage? Should she feel that he is “one up” because he asked her to change rather than doing it on her own? How much of that dilemma is influenced by ego, and therefore by lack of self confidence?
