Others can let you know whether this is good advice but I do not think it would hurt to apologize for the fact that you did not react to her sooner. Not an over the top weepy kind of apology but a straight forward "Sorry it took a ton of bricks falling on my head for me to react!" kind of apology. Then stress that you are reacting now and that you intend to NEVER let this happen again. And make it clear that WHEN you work through things you will not let the ball drop again.
Like GEL said, she may worry that what you are doing now is short term to "lure" her back and then she will go through the same things again. A normal worry and one you can mitigate by letting her know your future intentions.
By the way, I am assuming that you intend to make these permanent changes to your life and marriage.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
During our talk, I did apologize as you have suggested.
Yes, I am planning to make these permanent changes. I want to make sure this never happens again. In this relationship or any other relationship I may have in the future.
I have no intensions to get divorced, but a lot of it is out of my control. If we do divorce, I know that my life will continue and I will probably meet someone else, who knows. Any how it's important to learn from this painful lession and "fix" any problems that exist for me.
One apology is not enough - you have to keep the reassurance up and continually tell her you are working on things, what you have done to make things better, make sure you actually get that prescription filled, go to your appointments and make her a part of your life and those things so she can actually see that you are making an effort.
One of the big things for me was my H "hiding" things from me. I don't if he really was or not but I was so insecure that anything would set me off (still does at times). I told him I needed more reassurance and he is doing his best to do that. One of the things he does is let me know what came in the mail everyday. As much as that seems silly, I was paranoid of his Visa bill for ages and this is just a little thing that actually makes me feel better, that he is opening up to me and not hiding things. Sounds minute but we need that - and so does your W
You might think they are little things but they will mean the world to her if you include her in them. Make her part of your decisions to show her you really do care and want to make things better
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
I've gotten the prescription filled and now have my first application of the AndroGEL.
I'm going to wait a day to see how I feel. Hopefully, I'll be feeling great. Then I call and tell her what I've done and that "I feel like a new man." (Hopefully that will be the case.)
I do need to involve her in decisions. However, I think me getting the prescription filled by myself will also be viewed as me being proactive.
Our second biggest problem is that we avoid conflict at all cost. We're both peace makers, so we don't fight. We just hold the problem inside. This has caused resentment, etc, etc....
Anyway, communications will need improvement in our "future relationship". We didn't hide "things" from each other, just our true feelings.
I'm really glad you go that prescription, that's a great step! Don't be surprised though if you don't feel affects from it immediately...it could take a few days, it could take a few weeks. I'm not familiar with that medication (and haven't googled it)...but just don't be disappointed if you don't feel the effects immediately k? It could take some time for it to build up in your system.
As for this "Our second biggest problem is that we avoid conflict at all cost. We're both peace makers, so we don't fight. We just hold the problem inside. This has caused resentment, etc, etc...." I know others will be able to pitch in on this as well but FWIW, my H is a CLASSIC conflict avoider, and well...I used to be. Guess what? You don't have to fight in order to address a problem/conflict. Often it seems it starts out that way, but that's because there are communication problems in general between you two. Makes sense right if the two of you hold the problems inside and let them fester?
Anyway, I happen to be the one who recognized the issue in my marriage (as you have) so it was up to me to begin to address it. I had to learn to simply suck up the courage to speak my mind when something bothered me BEFORE it festered and became a resentment...which WOULD possibly lead to hurt feelings and a fight. I learned that the best way to approach MY H was to say "Hon, I need to get something off my chest and I want your opinion too."
With MY H this is a good approach because in his past he became accustomed to women attacking or finding fault with him. I don't know the history of you or your W, but I kind of like this approach because...it's non-threatening. This way my H knows something's coming BUT he also knows I want to hear what he has to say when I'm finished. Right up front your spouse knows that she will get a chance to say her piece too.
Another thing that is important to keep in mind (like I'm some expert here...but believe me if I can get my H to listen these things will probably come in handy for you to overcome conflict avoidance too LOL.)...is that often people read into what we say. What a pain huh? We say one thing...they hear another, really frustrating. My H was the KING of this. He'd take my words and completely twist what I said. As I said he looked for me to attack (when that's not who I am..I'm actually rational and reasonable and want to hear what he has to say, AND he doesn't have to agree with me)...so he'd twist my words to fit that purpose. I learned with him to very calmly repeat what I had said in a manner similar to this "I didn't say (whatever he said I said) and that's not what I meant either. What I said was (and repeat my exact words again). Miraculously enough...my H no longer puts words in my mouth and he now rarely twists my words. When he does...it's easy to get back on track now. At the beginning of the process though there were times I'd have to repeat myself 5-6 times before he really heard me...I kid you not.
Lastly...when you do have an issue to confront it's VERY important of course to speak your mind, but it's also VERY important to give her time to speak hers too, or to give feedback on what you said. BOTH sides need to be heard.
If you can try to employ these things eventually both of you will become comfortable addressing issues with each other...because you will both feel safe enough to talk to the other HONESTLY.
I can guarantee you that three years ago my H would never have felt safe enough to say what he REALLY felt. If he thought I wasn't going to like it...he'd avoid, avoid, avoid, avoid. I would too! I would have rather chewed my right arm off than risk making him mad at me. We aren't that way any longer...and we are MUCH happier as a result.
FWIW...we also now have a verbal agreement "there is NOTHING you can SAY to me that will cause me to walk out of this marriage." Of course there are things either of us can DO (such as infidelity) that could cause that...but NOTHING we can say that will result in that. That adds to the sense of security when communicating with each other.
Wow, how'd this post get so long....are you asleep yet? zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
My wife said to me not two weeks before she left me "there is NOTHING you can SAY to me that will cause me to walk out of this marriage" in out counseling session. She even repeated it several times at home. She had also said it several times prior to this.
When she left she said that the talks in counseling were too much.
Wow GEL - I think you and I are twins - lol. I can't believe how much our situations are the same. I have, on NUMEROUS occasions (too many to count) had to repeat myself over and over and over before he would clue in to what I was saying. He is NOT a stupid person, as a matter of fact he is very intelligent and even the C said so but it was his interpretation of what I was saying that he twisted.
We are both conflict avoiders - *sigh* - but are also both getting better at that. We just have had so much crap in our past we avoid fighting at all costs. The C couldn't believe how civil we were to each other and definitely couldn't believe we were like that at home too, but we are.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Heywyre, our situations are very similar aren't they? My H, like yours, is also a very intelligent man...but he's a man with filters that automatically look for alterior motives and attacks when ANYONE, especially a woman speaks to him. He's always hyper-sensitive to anyone that might remotely look down on him...and he often assumes people do look down on him, when they don't. He's gotten soooo much better about this though...at least with me. I've also seen a change in the way he interacts with people where he works too...he's less likely to jump to the defensive with them too and some of them have actually commented on it. That's WONDERFUL validation for him.
One thing that he's so very not used to when it comes to me is that...I have no problem agreeing to disagree, I'm not out to change his opinion on anything to match mine. I'm absolutely fine if he doesn't agree with me. That is something he's so not used to. One of the battles I faced with his "filters" is that he would assume anytime I had a differing opinion that I would be out to make him see things my way...IOW...prove him wrong. I'll never forget the look on his face the first time I said to him "we're just going to have to agree to disagree on this." He looked at me and continued to try to fight for his side of things...I just looked at him again and said "you do realize it's ok for us not to agree....right?" I swear, his mouth hung open. LOL
The second major thing about me that he's soooo very not used to is the few times we have had a big argument...and I say something out of line, or I realize what I said was inaccurate/wrong...I will stop and apologize for it right then and there, mid argument...I can even still be pissed off at him when I apologize. He NEVER knows what to do with that, it disarms him IMMEDIATELY to have me apologize for something I said/did because he's not used to someone doing that. There have been times when we've had an argument and I mean a heated one....where I realized something he said was a real valid point and I was wrong that I have stopped and said so. He's like...."HUH? You said I was right?!" It's almost comical...but it's doing stuff like that and owning up to when I am honestly wrong...that creates a safe envionment for him to communicate with me.
GEL, thank you for this post about arguments with your H. One of my wishes in the world is to hang out with a couple who can argue 'correctly'. I am AWFUL at this, defensive and deflecting, making H argue my walls down before I admit I might be Wrong. And even then it's pulling teeth.
I HATE that part of myself (thank you, FOO) because I have never seen an example of 'fighting well' and my instinct is for walls to be constructed at the HINT that Something is Wrong With Me. Anyway, I have really been mulling that over for more than a year now, but more so recently again.
It's one of the biggest roadblocks to our M for my H. That I am not a Safe Place. I wrote a little about that here if it's of interest to anyone.
Of course my biggest roadblock is the A he had and the pre-A (and now post-A) SSM. It's a vicious cycle. He's not safe, pulls away. I feel less-than and must Protect Myself From Hurt At All Costs. It's a complete load of crap, but I'm working on it.
Anyway, thanks for this post. I imagine my H would be as agog as yours should I be able to 'fess up' cleanly and right out of the gate.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
