That was a great, very perceptive post, Lin. Hadn't thought about the OP in those terms before - thanks for sharing.
Wow, Lin and SD - looks to me like San Diego has some amazingly perceptive and intelligent women living there. Maybe you two should get together for a drink sometime...
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
lol...I didn't know that SD lived in San Diego area also..
Rob...I have been at this since I realized my H was "really" having a MLC...you see before I never realized the effect this has on the whole family...but in fairness to H I also had to try and understand the otherside...as crazy as it was...I remembered back to when I had boyfriends in school (since MLC'er act like school kids this did help)...and how if I found myself wanting to break things off the turmoil that I went through but didn't let on about...I figured the same was true of H and his feelings...also, once the break was made I would often think back about that person and the good times we shared...even got back together with an ex-b/f once because I called him like a few years late...actually we "played around" in a few different times zones in our young lives...before H and after H and I started dating...so I realized that even though you might leave someone it takes time for them to really "leave you"...
The heart is treacherous...and this is what some of our spouses are really struggling with...I am thankful that my H can tell me that he has no feelings for "her" anymore...this wasn't always the case though...and he let me know it on more then one occasion...it was hard to swallow but I it just made me more determined to be the better person for him...and it is working...but not without setbacks!
We have been through and are still going through the financial lies....then there was alcohol addiction....the finally admitted depression (suprise!)...the job issues...and just being honest with me about his feelings...
Just because they come home...doesn't mean they are "well"...it is hard but if you can find compassion in you...you can make it through all of this crap too...
I keep my eye on the goal...I want a happy marriage...that is my goal...and I remind H of this when I feel he is straying from that...we both need to be happy or it won't work...and that means compromises and trust in the other person...it all takes time...
Thanks all. I've had a few days, and I'm less emotional now.
I respect that H may still have feelings for LW (Letter Woman--a coworker he was infatuated with and writing love letters to which he says he never sent), but I do not respect him lying to me. He has no reason to think I'd tell him not to go or be upset; hell, I invited the b!tch to the surprise party I threw him for his birthday. Never in the past or in recent history have I tried to keep him from going out anywhere with anyone.
Anyway, I finally sat him down and told him I was feeling uncomfortable because I knew he was lying to me. He had a whole host of excuses, including telling me he'd meant to tell me but he just got confused. It's B.S., but he looked me in the eye and said he was over LW, that he was committed to the M, and I believe that 95%. I just told him that trust was huge with me, and so he had to be vigilant about being truthful.
I also brought up how frustrated I'm feeling because I feel like I'm the only one actively bringing things to the table and using the strategies we're learning in MC. He's still avoiding conflict, still holding onto things...and I'm tired. He acknowledged he wasn't doing as much as he could and said he'd try.
I'm not 100% about this M, but I'm cautiously optimistic. I'm proud of myself for not accusing him or attacking him and focusing on how I was feeling and what I needed from the R.
Back to GAL--I need to keep taking care of me.
Thanks to all of you who posted--Jen, Rob, Lin (where in SD are you?), Dana, Julie....you guys rock!
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
I'm in University Heights, near Hillcrest. I keep waiting for the weather to warm up! It's been COLD here!
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
I am somewhat familiar with that area...Phil's BBQ ring a bell???
My grandparents lived on 77th St...if I recall correctly...and I have a friend that lives in the Kensington area as well...those are nice older communities of SD...so how long have you been there???
Hi SD... so glad to hear you had a talk w/ your H about this. I admire that a lot b/c it would be so hard for me. Besides, I want that SD humor to continue to shine thru all of the BS we deal with here.
Have a great week. Hope it warms up for you, but I imagine it will feel cold compared to your memories of Guatemala for a while. Glad you're back girl. But let yourself feel those feelings and get 'em out!!
Wish I had some insights for you. It is so frustrating when we look back and see all the changes WE made and see little reaction on the part of our spouses. It IS their time to step up to the plate and work for the R. Why should we do all the work?
It is easy to say we cannot control them and that their inactions should not affect us. It is easy to say that we do all the work b/c we are the strong ones and the high road is often the difficult road. We can say all day long about how we should focus on us (PMA, GAL, etc). It is easy to say that OUR self-esteem is not tied to them, that we do not need their willingness to admit to and correct *their* part in all this.
Easy to say, but a R is a two person thing after all; a tandem bicycle if you will. And while we can focus within, respect and trust are built on how the other person treats us. That is the key here. Sooner or later, if we are doing all the peddling we must stop and let the other person know that we need to work it together or we will never get there.
So you are doing well to confront when you need to. Lying is a boundary; don’t let him cross it. You must get the trust and respect back. Keep communicating this with as little pressure as you can – then it is up to him to figure it out.
You are doing fine. I hate it that he seems stuck. Stay the course.
