Trying to piece at last

[stillme]

Hi H! I think your outlook & expectations are right on, and you are doing so well! These ar excellent baby steps into
piecing w/H, and I am so proud of you!! Slow & Steady is the ONLY way to do this, and you're making sure that happens. YAY, H!

About oldest D, a few things that popped out at me from your last few posts that may put her "acting up" in perspective:
(a) You said your R w/your girls is now better than it's EVER been and even YOU are scared that H coming home may "spoil" it. . .I can't help but think that D may be scared about this as well. She (and younger D) have had all kinds of attention and play/fun - from your GAL & 180's in attitude/behavior - They have actually reaped the rewards of H leaving! And maybe D is afraid it will stop now that H is moving home. And maybe she feels guilty for that as well. . . Geez, I can't imagine all the conflicting emotions she might be feeling!
(b) Do you think she sees the dif in you as a Person from pre-Bomb to now, and so does not want you to slip back into being the way that you were in your R/M w/H? You said you were controlling, argumentative, not a nice person; I forget what else you said in your first post, but if it was detrimental to your R w/H, then those same qualities were probably detrimental to your R w/D. In addition to being afraid your attention to her may change, she may be afraid you will slip back to being an unhappy person again.

Just as you need to show a consistent New You/New R w/H until he's comfortable & confident in believing that this is really, really the Real You - I think you need to do the same w/D.

On top of all this, she's not a baby. 14 is a tumultuous time for a girl. She may be starting to push boundaries, trying to become the woman she sees herself being soon. She's looking to you and H for her defintion of a good R/M - or the way she will either WANT her own R/M to be, or how she remember she DOESN'T WANT it. KWIM?

Geez, as I type this I am almost overwhelmed for you! There's SO MUCH to consider. So many people's lives affected by what we do & say. Not just "people", tho, but the ones in this world we love the most & want the very best for.

You can do this, H. You are such a strong woman now. You know what is important in life, and you know how to honor those things that are important. You have worked hard on yourself, and on your R with both H as well as your girls. I think with a little positive reinforcement & honesty, continuing to GAL & be consistent with this new (or, better said, the REAL) you - on top of all the usual Mothering love, patience & guidance - your D will probably "settle down". I'm praying for you.