I can understand you dilemma and concern that you have hurt your wife, and that you do want her to be happy, but IMO, your comments were just more placating. You are working hard to change who you are. The person you will become in a few years will have little resemblance to who you were a few years ago. The only way for your marriage to succeed is for you wife to change also. She has plenty of issues to correct.
There was good reason you were attracted to the OW. Part of that had to do with you and part had to do with your W. When W makes those comments about not being someone who likes to have fun, not being a party-type girl, etc, it just sounds like a lot of deflection to not have to face her issues and make her needed changes. That does not mean she needs to become a party animal, but it does mean she should try to develop a positive outlook toward life and the future. It sounds to me like she is a little depressed. Maybe you should talk to her about getting on some anti-depressants too.
I also think that when you reassure her that she is ok, all you are doing is rescuing. She needs to face some hard facts herself. When you prevent this, your M stays stuck. The fact of the matter is that for things to get better, they will have to get worse. She will have to get hold of her various issues, as painful as that might be. IMO, the direct answer to her statement that you are trying to change her is “Yes, you need to change and grow into a healthy adult, just as I have been working to do.”
Has she read any of the R books discussed on this board? Have you read Dieda? Has she read Schlessinger? How about Passionate Marriage? How much work has she put into you M? How hard have you pushed her to work on the M? If she has not done much, is it because of her reluctance or yours? As she explores her issues, she might try to put the blame onto you for her problems, and maybe the possibility that her self analysis could result in her having more anger and resentment, which could possibly split your M is really what scares you. But I doubt that will happen. She has had plenty of reason to leave in the past and so far she has not.
It does not matter why she didn’t leave. You might say, well how could she leave with three small kids (the implication being that she wants to leave but is somehow held captive, which makes you feel even more guilty). If you were using drugs or abusing her, she would find a way to leave. She hasn’t left. So I doubt she will. Your fears are just that – your fears. Don’t let the conversations in your head stop you from seeing what is really going on and doing what you need to do.
You have made great progress and you need to stop selling yourself short. When you detach from your emotions, you seem to be able to see the big picture, you know what needs to be done, and you can do it. So start to stand on your own two feet. This board is only for advice and ideas. It cannot do the hard work for you. When it comes to your M, in reality, you are all alone. But you are also ready!
So become the man. It is this rock of stability that your W will need to get through her self discovery and growth. So when she makes those kinds of statements about herself, it might be better to ask her why she is like that instead of trying to convince her that she is not like that. Those are opening lines for further discussion. That is her way of asking for help and guidance. She is opening herself to you and you should follow up on that. Push the exploration as far as she is comfortable. It might surprise you how much she will be willing to talk.
As long as you keep trying to help her maintain her denial, I think you will be stuck, because that road can only lead so far until it comes crashing down. So IMO, the reason you feel stuck is because you are. You are on the wrong path. Jump over to the path of “The Way of the Superior Man.”
