I've got to get everyone's b-fast ready then get to work, but I thought I'd share at least the end part of a (what I feel is a) breakthrough convo last night. I'll flesh out the other parts of the convo later. I do feel like it was good because I understand her motives better, but I now feel even more stuck than ever. I have NO idea how to proceed.
First, the day before I had casually mentioned something about sex and it started a short convo that led to her saying "I know I need to 'participate', but don't expect me to be enthusiastic about it." As you can imagine, that didn't set well with me. I told her that POV was hurtful to me and I feel rejected by it. The convo was interrupted so we continued yesterday. Some of the comments she made included "the thought of having guests over at the house makes me sick to my stomach", "I'm just not the kind of person who likes to go out", "I'm not a fun-loving, party-type girl", "do you expect me to suddenly change and start liking to go out and have your kind of fun." As you can see, the convo was mostly about us doing things together. It turned when I said that I do adore her and want her to be happy, but that there are some things that need to change in our R so that I can be happy too. She said "you don't adore me, you adore some vision of who you want me to be." I got a little upset by that and started listing the things I had done for her, sacrifices I had willingly made because I thought it would make for a happy life for her, things I had planned for us to do together in the past and in the future, including a vacation for just the two of us this August where we are going to Nashville to see her favorite Food Network cook Alton Brown and even go to a meet-and-greet dinner aftewrwards, get a signed chef's apron, etc. She got really tearful then and said that we could cancel the trip if I wanted to, to which I responded that I wanted to go spend this time with her. Then she said ...
"You just want to change me into her."
She cried a lot after saying that, and after she settled down a bit, I told her that was not true, that I had done a lot of soul searching to try to find out what I really do want in a M. That the things I want are not based on anyone but me, that they are things that lots of people want.
But I am stuck. I really do not know what to do next. I feel like I am walking a razor's edge here between trying to be sensitive to her healing post-EA, and trying to let her know how I feel. I cried a lot myself last night because I wish so hard I could go back two years and find a board like this or a C and tried to work on things the right way. I have a feeling things would probably still be not so good right now, but I wouldn't have this extra problem to deal with. But of course I cannot. I feel helpless to deal with this.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
