Tam - your post has been bothering me all afternoon and I think I just figured out why. OK - there are 2 parts to reconciling with your H.

1. Getting to the place where he wants to be married to you again (that means being in an exlusive relationship with you)

2. Rebuilding your marriage

This post demonstrates that you are skipping to number 2 before you get through number 1.

You said

I
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told him it was hard for me to tell him all of this, because I enjoyed it when he came home and was scared that he would think he couldn't come home anymore but that I just needed to let him know how I felt.


You are in a negotation now Tam. You know that when you are in a negotiation you don't put all your cards on the table.

Your job in this period is to make you and home look like an attractive option to him. Talking and talking and talking about your insecurities, your pain, your confusion etc etc is not going to cut it.

It doesn't matter if he's your husband and it's your 'right' - he's absent from the marriage right now and he may or may not sign back into it. He's only going to sign back into it if it looks like it's going to be a comfortable place to be.

He gave you a huge clue

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So I asked him if he could tell me what *I* could be working on. He said he didn't like what we were doing now (meaning having that conversation).


What you are going through at the moment means nothing to him Tam. He is in his own personal nightmare and he's made a decision to go outside of the marriage to seek some solace. He is playing you. It's as simple, or as complicated as that.

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When I've managed to stay strong and avoid any "conflicts" with him for a while and created distance is when he's come in closer to me.
Yes

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At the same time, there is absolutely no way that I can be in a R in which I cannot talk to my H about personal matters.
You won't have the option to negotiate that in your relationship unless you do the work staying away from it now. He won't come back and you won't have him to talk to then anyway.

I guess the point is, don't confuse the 2 stages.

Right now concentrate on doing what you need to do to heal yourself and be ready if and when he decides to come home.

After that happens - then you can have the talks and reestablish the boundaries in your relationship that are comfortable for both of you.

Remember the golden rule. No R talks. This is a negotiation and you need to keep your cards close to your chest.

V

Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.