Hi imlin and everyone else. I never thought I would be doing this but I'm in a terrible state at the moment and really confused. Do you mind looking me up? I'm in MLC and called Beam me up scotty. I apologise for being so rude but I'm kind of desperate here....Please forgive. Thank you!!BB
Thanks for popping in on me....yep, been around....reading mostly with a few postings to others...
I have been working longer days because H is still not working and I only have about 6 weeks until school is out...if I take summer school I get 1/2 days at best...so I am preparing as best I can...
H has finally gone for a psychiatric evaluation and they set an appointment for him to see a psychiatrist about his depression and also suggested couples counseling for us which I am all...he appears to be as well since he brought it up...
One of the main issues is our communication...we had a "discussion" yesterday about our son and finally at the end I found out what the problem was with our communication...lol, you gonna die laughing that it took me this long to figure out!!!! He really does expect me to read his mind!!!...he told me flat out I should be able to read his body language and know how he feels....well excuse me!...the man sends mixed messages like crazy and I really don't KNOW unless he verbally tells me...so this is something that I am going to log in my mind for our counseling session...you see H proffesses to be able to "read" people...he is a visual learner...so that is probably true to an extent...but I don't do that well....sure I can tell if someone is really sad, angry, happy...but I can't tell you why...or how...or what to do about it...my mode of working on things is to lay it out and talk about it...his is to just shut up and figure it out....so obviously it isn't working now...and this was the problem in our M before because he would always allow me to think things were fine and so I would go on about my happy ways until he got so fed up he left me after being together for nearly 27 years!!!...I mentioned that things need to be different now because he "let me" believe things were okay all that time and I won't stick my head in the sand like that again...his response was "so you are telling me that I lied to you for the whole 25 years we were married?"....I said "NO...you let me believe things were okay and didn't correct things with me....you just left when you had had enough...I don't want that to happen again...I want us both to be happy...to be partners...and on that I note I want you to know that I am not sitting here saying take me as I am....this is me...if you don't like it move on....I am saying that I am willing to continue working on myself and with you."
So that is where we are at right now...the positive to this is last week he really started making an effort to tell me first that he loved me, appreciated the things I was doing for us, he would initiate hugs and other compliments...this is a huge one for me to hear as he was always verbally and physcially reassurring to me before all of this blew up 2 1/2 years ago...
As we were laying in bed he said "I really appreciate the patience you have shown me...most women would have kicked my butt out...I want you to know I am thankful that you are being so patient with me."...
So...it is not always bliss and non-rollercoaster riding after they come home...in many ways I have been tested harder and deeper since he has returned home...is it hard? YEP...do I think I made a mistake taking him back? NOPE...at least not yet!...
Again, V...thanks for checking in on me...I have never had a very active post...actually I think this one is my longest ever on this board...lol...I am not one who has had the priviledge of locking up a thread either...so I really do feel special when you and others still come and ask how I am...because there are days when I have to ask myself that same question...
My H and I have the same communication problem. It drives me insane. I always hear men complaining that we women expect them to just know if we have a problem, but in my experience, it's the man in my life who just expects me to 'know' when he is unhappy. I always assume he is just in a funk, or in the Mars cave, and that if I'm patient, he will come out, but, oh no, I must just know, and also have a ready answer as to how to solve the problem too, without 'confrontation' (which is any communication on problems between us, no matter how gently presented).
Piecing is really no piece of cake, that's for sure.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I haven't posted to you before, but I've appreciated your insights with others here on the boards...your comment about your H claiming to be an expert people reader really hits home for me, because my H has said the same thing. And I do think that I've been punished at times for not reading his mind.
Anyway, I wish you much strength and peace in your sitch.
Oh...the confrontation issue is a big one...he wants to keep peace in the family and views any disagreement (on my side) to be disturbing the peace of the household....
Hi lin, Just hopped over from Lisa's thread after your comment on alcoholism. Had a question. Did you ever read about adult children from alcoholic parents??
Just occured to me today that it might be helpful. I never did so if you have some good references on books I'd be very happy if you would share them (My DH was a child from an alcoholic mother.) Thanks, B
PS Sorry, i did not read up on your thread for a while. Do hope things are still going in the right direction! I'll drop in later
Yep things are still going in the right direction...it is about 7 steps forward and 3 steps back but still advancing...
I have not read any books on children of alcoholics but have talked at length with some people who have been through this...one is a dry alcoholic...he never really had a problem with drinking but thought like an alcoholic because he was raised by one....I hope that made sense...
I have attended a few Al-Anon meetings...but my H's problems go way deeper then the family history of alcoholism...there is also a family history (again, both sides) of sexual abuse of children...I know this is a very sick subject...but 40 years ago it was all hush hush so things happened again and again...my H's mom also lost her children when H was about 4-5 and this resulted in him and his sister being separated from their older half-brother...so there is abandonment issues, separation issues, sexual abuse issues, and alcoholism...as you can see it is quite a mess....the thing is my H was so solid, level headed, and stable until he hit the MLC brick wall...then he totally fell apart!!!!....his siblings all had similar issues at much younger ages...his sister is a recovered drug addict....his brother is an ex-con, recovered drug addict, still drinking alcoholic....what a mess that man is too...5 failed marriages that we know of....sister is on marriage 3....we are hanging on to the 1 marriage for both of us...
So...as you can see...my H's childhood was a total mess...and tragic would be putting it lightly...
hi Lin, Oooh I doo respect you AND your DH!! :)Wow and here I was thinking my DH came from such a disfunctional family....feeling that it might be too much for him to recover from. This is so inspirational. THank you! You were so right when you said in Lisa's post to never say never. Because here you are piecing back your marriage! With such an history.
What I find striking is that my husband used to be so steadfast at breaking the chain and doing things right and different from his parents. He was so determent when we got married and our son was born. I feel it is one of the reasons he could not (and still has difficulties to talk to his dad. He just could not face him because what my H did was worse than what his father did and he always dispised his father for his actions.
I think I should read up on some of the adult children of alcoholics stuff. To get more insight. I am not sure to what meetings you went. Al-non? I don't think we have those over here. I do understand what you mean by dry alcoholic. Maybe there is more info on that aswell.
I am so happy for you that you are moving forward!! Don't you sometimes look in the mirror and see what you have done? How far you came? :)HUG B
