Ok - pregnant, emotional - due today. I've never gone this far with a pregnancy before - it is making everyone anxious and a little nutz. I want more than just the "support" that you show an invalid or something. I feel like I never get to be a woman in my marriage and I'm feeling p*ssed about that and all the while waiting on this baby. It is mostly end of pregnancy angst. I will walk and walk and see if I can get things going today.
GEL - my H has had horrible relationships in the past too - just reinforcing the W/M role
Two of his relationships cheated on him too - the real sad part about it is his two daughters (from his first marriage) think their parents split because their father cheated on their mother, when it was the other way around. They are both older now with children of their own. I tried to discuss the matter with one of them one day and they wouldn't hear of it - it was their father, plain and simple, their grandparents "had confirmed it" - well, duh ya!! of course their grandparents thought that, that's what their daughter told them - sheesh.
Sounds like your H came from a pretty restricted family also. I know my husband's parent NEVER showed emotion to each other. They stayed together for 50 years but never showed loving gestures to each other, at least not in front of others.
As for the escorts, yes it is in the past, however, for at least the last 4-5 months he was seeing the last one, he wasn't involved with her sexually, just got together to talk and gave her money for her time. He told her it was "wrong" what they were doing so he knew, deep down, there was a real problem
Although he was open to reading the article I gave him, he did say "are you trying to analyze again" - so I hear where you are coming from. He thinks I am always trying to "fix" him. And, its interesting because my husband says the same thing "I wonder what it would have been like if we had met 20 years ago) - seems like they kinda regret their past choices huh?
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Boy do I understand where you are at right now, I went two-weeks past my due date with my little guy...then they induced (got to deal with that for 24 hrs), THEN they did a c-section.
Do you feel the baby dropping like it could be imminent? I'm keeping my fingers crossed for ya that a healthy baby will be delivered SOON, like...this weekend ;-)
I know my H regrets some past relationship decisions NOW, but at the time...he just didn't see it, so it's useless to regret now. I firmly believe that if he would have met me twenty years ago...he wouldn't have appreciated me. Why? Because twenty years ago I wasn't the woman I am NOW. Twenty years ago I was an LD woman myself who had made bad decisions herself in the relationship department...so NEITHER of us would have been in the place we would have needed to be to deal with the issues we have now.
I'm a firm believer in things happen as they are supposed to.
As a matter of fact, H and I had a discussion about that today - regrets, what has happened to our R over the years etc. and he said "sometimes I wish we hadn't moved to that city" etc. etc. etc. But then I said, "no, perhaps it would have been better, but we also wouldn't be the people we are today and I feel good about our R and what it can be in the future". He seemed surprised and said, "you do? So do I"
We also agreed that we would not be able to appreciate each other the way we do now had we just had the perfect little "girl down the street" romance. Do I wish my life on anyone? Hell no! But would I trade it for someone's else's life - not a chance. I love who I am, and I love who he is. He's a good person, and deserves me (as arrogant as that might sound) just as I deserve to have a good H in my life, and that is something we will have to work on, and at least he is willing to do that.
He brought the subject of that "article" up again and said that he thought about it and was "really interested" in the concept of it, "but how does one change their pattern of thinking after so many years" and I said, "a lot of hard work, together" and he smiled and told me how lucky he was to have me in his life. We agreed that I would run it by the C in one of my sessions to see if he is qualified to give us some guidance. If not, perhaps he can recommend someone. H is a little skeptical but at least he seems willing to give it a try. He knows something has to change, he just doesn't know how to do it. I told him it will be like starting all over again, from when he was a teenager and just experimenting with sex. We will have to take it one step at a time, allowing him to get comfortable with each level.
I feel positive about the progress we have made, although we did have to go through hell and back to get here. But then, that will make the victory all the sweeter right?
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
It's just great that he's open to the possibility that this could be his issue.
As to how does one change it...well a Neurological Psychologist could be a start...to literally retrain him how to think about this issue. I can see where that could have really helped my H, but the Psychologist he saw #1 wasn't getting the truth of things from my H, and therefore #2 didn't address teaching him how to think differently about this issue. He did help him to stop assuming I meant things when I didn't, he did help him learn to stop thinking of me as his enemy, and he did help him learn to stop automatically jumping to the defensive with me...when there was no need for it.
However, a sex therapist can probably also teach him how to "think" differently about this issue. I'm sure someone with that specialty should have the ability to help (but I'd made sure anyway).
Best of luck to you two!!! Sounds like things are looking good for you!
I am VERY excited about the prospect of not only being able to put a label on this but of actually doing something about it - now that I semi have H onside. I can hardly wait to go to the C on Monday and run it by him - this is something I would REALLY like to address at our next couples meeting, which is next Friday.
It was a beautiful day here, we went out for breakfast and then went to the garden centre to pick up some bedding plants. When we came home we worked in the garden together, something we always liked to do together in the past but seemed to have strayed from it somewhat. It was wonderful!! Later, when eating supper, H said "thank you for being such a patient girl" (and I know he was referring to putting up with all his crap for so long)
I am finally starting to see some payoff for hanging in there (in small doses of course, but something at least) after many, many years of heartache - it is amazing indeed!
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
We had a gorgeous day here as well...mine was quite busy. Painted our bathroom, which took much longer than necessary since I had a precocious three year old who kept trying to help me. He even brought one of the cats into the bathroom with him...thinking he'd use his tail as a brush.
When my son went down for his nap I had a chance to work our two horses a bit and then I took my son riding after he woke up...at least we had a chance to get some fresh air that way.
Absolutely - there were two actually and what I did was basically take a little from each and pared it down. My H won't read anything that is too academic, he prefers the applied side of things, which I have to agree with.
But all you have to do is do a search for Madonna-Whore Complex and you will get tons of information on it
Good luck
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
