You are absolutely right about the unprotected sex. I know. I guess I'm just embarrassed to say anything about it, which I know is a silly reason. The consequences could be deadly, so embarrassment shouldn't get in the way... It's just so awkward from so many perspectives.
I honestly don't understand how he can come home and sleep with me and then go right back to her house... It makes me sad and angry and hurt. It's so hard because I know ML was a bone of contention in our M, so I want to show him that I'm working on it and that I DO want him, but at the same time, it makes me feel used to have him come home, we ML, and then he goes back to her. Doesn't ML to me mean anything to him? Jody (DB coach) said I've already demonstrated to him my willingness to work on the ML issue, that I've proven my point. She's probably right. I guess I just always have that voice in the back of my head that is so scared to "reject" him, scared he will get angry/hurt/etc. and end things with us... At the same time, I know I'm not respecting myself and that in turn he is not respecting me if this continues.
I thought about using this whole potential outbreak thing as a catalyst to dicuss this with him, about having unprotected sex, about being with me and then going back to her, etc., but I just feel like at least the being with me and then going back to her is not appropriate quite yet. There hasn't been enough distance/time between us yet, and I'm worried it will push him away. At the same time, I probably do at least need to address the unprotected sex/STD's issue. Maybe I wait until it comes up again? I do have a call in to him to call me tonight. I did some "examining" last night and think I did possibly find a small outbreak. I'm not positive, and it certainly didn't act like it "normally" does, but it's suspicious. So now I'm panicking and upset all at the same time. I need to tell him about it and let him make his own choices as far as HE is concerned from there. I feel horrible about it and just pray that if it was an outbreak it wasn't transferred to him. What a mess this is...
I went to the races today with H's mom. We had a nice time. H won all of his races, so that was nice. We all went out to eat afterwards. It was nice to get out of the house for a while. I cried a little when I got home. I just feel so torn when it comes to this whole family thing. I know it's anti-DBing to be going to the races, but at the same time, as I've mentioned before, it feels like being around his family may make him feel closer to me. Also, I don't want to burn any bridges with his family. I pray that this will all work out, and my absence from everything until it does work out would pique their interest... It's just a really difficult situation to be in with how close our families are...
So we'll see how the conversation goes tonight with H about the possible outbreak. I left him a message to call me when he got a chance, and he called about 10 minutes later but was still at his parents' house, and I obviously didn't want to talk about it while he was there. He said he had called me right back because he didn't know if it was urgent (I just left him a message to call me when he got the message and didn't say what it was concerning). It was nice that he called me back right away. So he asked me if I just wanted to call him later (yeah, right, let me call him in front of OW - no thanks). I told him just to call me when he was done. He said he would. I'm scared to talk to him but know I have to.
I hope that with me gradually feeling a little stronger that I will be able to respect myself more. I love ML to him, but on the other hand, it kills me that he is able to do that and then go back to her. It's not right for me to allow that. It's just that short-term reassurance thing again, I guess, and me being scared to reject him. This whole thing makes ME feel like the OW... How sad is that?
Anyway, I'll let you know how it goes. I have an appointment with both my regular doctor tomorrow and my counselor. Will let you know how those go as well.
