Need another opinion, is my W OM, friend or more?

[Heartbroken]

I agree with ROOT about your W's R being more serious than she lets on. They (WAS's) get VERY good at lying - my H never lied to me in all the 20 yrs that I have known him. His EA turned PA caused him to become a GREAT liar. They know they are crossing that line and do not want to admit to themselves let alone us that what they are doing is wrong. Something that makes them feel that good cannot be so wrong - in their la la brains...

My H told me he did not love me and that I should let him go - they will say whatever they can at the moment. Funny thing is he would not just go out and file - he knew he was screwed if he at least did not end it amicably with me! What he never figured on was that I was not going to give in that easily - my patience outlasted the OW big time!!

You say you cannot see her doing anything why would OM want her - but that's just it ---people usually want what they cannot have!

[andyv]

Thanks Heartbroken,

I spoke to W's cousin for nearly 2 hours last night (whilst W was in bed). She told me for the first time that OM had emailed (and spoken to cousin) stating that he does not want a relationship with W. W knows this but I am not sure if she is hanging on to false hope, and really wanting this guy.

I also know that this OM is quite carefull with his money, and my W has funded alot of activities for him when they have been out and about. I think this is some sort of desperation to get him interested, but if he has had no feelings for 3 months, I hope she is wasting her time.

Anyways, this is the way I would like to think (cousin has no reason to lie, she has told me to move on and find someone better, as she does not agree with what W is doing and the way she is treating me and my D, also her constant lies to everyone about her activities eg going out most nights until early hours, spending no time with D etc just to not look bad to family and old friends).

[Heartbroken]

Well stop the funding and maybe OM will move on sooner rather than later!!

[Astimegoeson]

Andyv,

Maybe your focusing to much on the OM when you should be focusing on YOUR relationship with your W. What does it matter if he wants or doesn't want a relationship with your W when your W isn't treating you as a H?

Your relationship is dysfunctional regardless of if OM is involved or not. If this guy decides he doesn't want her, it doesn't mean she's necessarily going to come running back to you.

First, you need to identify your part in your W's behavior. If you identify it and realize it's something you can remedy or improve in yourself, then that's the only control over the situation you will have.

I understand the anxiety, fear of loss, and your need to fix it quickly, but it doesn't work that way. You only have control over your own actions/emotions so that's where your focus should be.

Forget about the OM or your W's behavior or whereabouts,it will only drive you crazy.

[runningoutoftime]

Just work on yourself and forget about your wife and OM.

I understand that's really hard to do, but the sooner you start detaching the better this will be for you.

I know you don't want to hear that your wife's relationship with OM *could* be physical. No one wants to know that about their spouse. Believe me, I didn't want to think that about my husband and he's the last guy I'd ever suspect (and also OW did an amazing job of convincing the husband she loves so deeply that nothing happened-- even though I later learned it did. My husband was so ashamed....). Anyhow, I've learned that when it comes to affairs there is often much more going on than you realize. Hopefully you are correct, but based on what you've described, just be prepared in case there is. Please read some books on this so you can understand it better -- even if it's only emotional. I found "Not 'Just Friends'" very useful in understanding how affairs can occur. This helped me understand how easy it is for anyone (even in great marriages) to get involved in affairs. It also helped me not take the whole thing so personally. Often it isn't you, but problems that a cheating spouse has (like boundaries!).

Anyhow, please start reading, start learning about affairs and begin working on yourself. I want you to know this isn't necessarily a bad thing... sometimes it's challenges and negative situations that bring the most insight and growth.

[andyv]

Thanks HB, I have started this week in regards to the funding.

[andyv]

ATGB,

You are right.

After the long talk with W's cousin, and my Sister today, I feel like I can (and will) detach from what is happening with them and focus more on myself, and what is needed to improve my personal situation.

It has taken me a while to realise this, but I somehow I feel relieved that I have accepted it as of 2pm today, on my birthday. I may finally get a good nights sleep tonight.

Thanks for the advice.

[andyv]

Thanks ROOT,

I am off to dinner and movies with my sister tonight (for my Birthday) and have noted "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, and someone recommended a book called "Women In MLC" by Jim Conway. I will def buy both tonight.

I have been preparing myself for most things, and with every day, I seem to be more accepting of what is happening, or what may have happened that I do not know about.

[andyv]

Another down day today,

My W went to a tupperware party with DD, and then went to cousins birthday party (cousin invited me also, however W did not want me there). Also at the party were all my BIL's and SIL's and all their children (who are supportive of me and against what W is doing).

They got home at 1 am this morning (DD is only 7). I spoke to DD this morning and she told me OM was at the party (she knows him as mummy's kickboxing coach).

This cousin has been supportive of me and has told me that OM is not interested in W, as she is 10 years his senior and with child, but they are good friends poss EA). She knows him through kick boxing also.

I am thinking that maybe this is true now that he has attended a family function where you would think that he would be hidden if it was PA, and they were a couple???? If not it would be pretty F'd-up to do it (have him there), if W has denied a relationship, other than friend.

Or maybe this was an opportunity to introduce him, and have him accepted in the family????? Her family are eastern european with strong family values and would not tolerate any type of freindship EA, PA or platonic with other males (eg constant contact friendship, casual would be okay to them). My MIL and FIL were not at the party.

I have also been told that W has lied about alot of things eg visiting the lawyers to note separation, drawing up divorce papers etc etc. I have also been told that she is telling me what I want to know eg OM. Before DB'ing, I was accusing her of seeing someone, and she kept denying it, then she admitted she was interested in someone but did not know if he felt the same way.......I was told that she told me this to get me off her back and to continue with my life (she is suffering from MLC and depression).

Any takes on this one,

p.s I have always expected the worst in regards to OM, so it would not be a suprise if they have hidden it quite well. But I also know my W (17 years) and don't think she would have it in her to start anything serious.

[andyv]

Update this morning,

My BIL spoke to me last night regarding the OM at the party. Apparently he is nothing like I imagined. He is shorter than me, fairly puny and not very good looking (being a kick boxing coach I always thought the complete opposite).

My BIL told me that when W and he did speak, there was no connection. He told me that OM was a really nice guy and very sofly spoken, but could not see the two of them together.

This was Sat night. On Sun night, W made me a really nice dinner (I did all the cooking in our relationship) and had her girlfriend over. We had the best night since the bomb, and laughed and joked for the first time in months.

After dinner, W and friend went to local car wash to clean our family car (due to sand from DD when I took her to the beach).

When she got home, we spoke in her room whilst she was lying on the bed and I lay next to her (around 9:30 pm. I re-inforced everthing I have read in DM and told her that all I ever wanted was for her to be happy, and if this means a divorce and possibly a new life with another, than I would respect that and would still love to be friends with her as I still love being around her.

As I got up to walk out of the room, she initiated another conversation, where I had to lay on the bed again. She told me that I still have to mind what I say (regarding the hurtful things). One of them being a few weeks ago (after learning of her feelings for OM), when I said "In my heart I knew you would stray". She told me that hurt her and she cant forget those words, as she has never done anything wrong, either in our marraige or separation.

She told me she did have feelings for OM, but that was all. She did not love him, but cared for him as a close friend.

She also asked about my movements over the last few months, whether I had found someone, or if anyone had pursued me.

I told her the truth (yes I am an idiot), and told her that It would not be fair on the other person, as my feelings a still wrapped up in her, and I don't see myself starting a relationship with anyone long after our divorce.

Her mood changed and as I got up to leave the room, she started another conversation, and her voice was a little happier.

By the end of all the chit chat, we had been talking for over an hour. And as I left the room and said good night, she nearly slipped the first "I love you" in several months, which she stopped mid sentence as I closed the door.

I felt the happiest I have felt in a long time. I thought "I can finally get a good nights sleep". Boy, was I wrong. The insomnia from worry over the last several months was nothing compared to the excitement I had about the baby steps I had acheived. I must have gotten about 2 hours.

Time to continue DRing and leave her some space to take in what happened.