Sadly, it's time to file

[MonicaP]

Thank you 25yrsmlc and Running...your feedback is MUCH APPRECIATED!

The only community property we have is a car which I have always used. I filed Bankruptcy (Chpt 7) and was discharged last month. I re-affirmed the car. H has another car and deals with that and other finances himself. We had a joint personal loan from the bank, but that's on him now because of my bankruptcy. I warned him about it first and he seems to be ok with it. I don't think he's paying it, but that's his problem.

We have our S4.5 whom I (unofficially) have full physical custody. H has scaled down his visits to 1 evening and Sundays. That's all he seems to want or can handle at this time. I have suggested many times that he try a sleepover, but he denies having enough space in his studio. Personally I believe it would (a) interfere with his Goth lifestyle w/ Ow and/or (b) he lives w/ Ow and doesn't want to be found out.

As 25rysmlc said, I want to file for LS first as a "last ditch effort" to prolong what *could be* inevitable. While it is doubtful H will snap out of his QLC and want to save our M afterall (what a dream!), at least I will feel as if I gave it every chance. I believe if I went straight for D that would seal the deal.

My plan is to go - May 9th - to the Self Service Center at Family Court for their free legal advice and help. My understanding is they help you complete the necessary paperwork which then can be filed same day. I've done a lot of reading of the forms and info so I think I understand the basics. I've also talked with various people, including you guys, about it. My plan is to file for full physical custody with visitation and joint legal custody. The only snag that I haven't checked out is the fact that my H is legal resident due to our marriage. I am considered his legal "sponsor" for 10 years (it's only been 7). I'm not too worried because I'm not asking H for alimony and he seems (at least as much as he can) intent on giving money for child support.

LS feels right. I just don't think I'm ready for the full D yet. I have been experiencing a lot more grieving lately with just the thought of it all, but I know it's time. I need the legal protection and sense of moving forward.

I will definitely look into the option to send a letter to H in lieu of a process server, that would be great. I want to avoid as much of the ugliness of this process as I can.

The thing that I am dealing with the most right now, beside the loss, is the major ANGER I feel. Thank God for therapy!

Also, this is weird, but my mom told me that my aunt and cousin who live in another state took it upon themselves to find H's My Space and saw his whole Goth thing and pic's of Ow. THe only good thing that came of that was that my mom (who looked in curiousity and I've since had a discussion about my invasion of privacy) said that the Ow is very "homely" - eyes too close together, big nose, large mouth..etc.

I felt the need to inform my H that my family (left out my mom) looked at his site. He said he didn't have anything to be ashamed of (LOL!)and asked me what I heard. I told him I asked my family not to tell me anything because I don't want to know, it's not my business, it's his life, etc. I wish I had thought to say "I prefer to remember you the way I knew you". Ah well. He said he really appreciated that I told him about my family, it meant a lot he said. Whatever!

Then...later..he finished reading S bedtime story and I was still eating (late) dinner. I asked him to read one more story and he said he had to go. Jerk! It was 8pm. I had already agreed to switch from Sun to Sat and that's the thanks I get. He muttered something like "couldn't you have waited 5 min's to start your dinner" and I said "don't even start". He has no clue that after he leaves at 8pm I am up til 9pm or so helping S really fall asleep - particularly after exciting visits with daddy. Ugh. When will this ever end!?

I have been considering writing a good long letter to H about my thoughts/feelings about all of this - including my belief that he has lied to me about some things (like trip out of the country for family illness), about what S is really going through, etc. It's not DB'ing I guess, but I just feel like H is so in the dark! I don't want to help him stay there, you know?

Again, thanks for your help!