Your right I don't love this man. Trouble is I find myself wondering...do I not love him because I never did or do I not love him as a result of years of a crappy relationship. Are my feelings now any different than his were or like all the other W.A.S's of people here? Are my feelings just and true or am I rewritting history and viewing everyting through muddy glasses? Am I feeling this way simply because I haven't let go of what he did or am reverting to what he did because he hasn't worked toward making the m better he's simply come home.
I know I can't fix this m alone...I tried doing that for years before any of this happend. I even continued to try after the bomb, s and ow but now I just don't feel like trying anymore. It has been almost 5 years since h's supposed return to the m. When he first returned home there were just 5 things that I asked for...1. drop ow as a customer 2. go to c together 3. date night once a week (didn't even have to leave the house just had to spend qt together not just sitting in front of a tv 4. renew our vows 5. h to start moving his business closer to home
here's how that's all worked out
1. Ow is no longer a customer but that took almost a year and it was her doing not his...her d went through and she no longer had the money to pay my h.
2. we only went to c together twice and that was after I had finally called a lawyer myself and told him I'd had enough..so he agreed to go but it was a waist of time just a little satiating on his part to keep me from going to a lawyer and filing myself.
3. date night? h either can't or wont and has no legitimate excuse for it.
4. regarding renewing our vows...h's thought was that I just wanted the drama of it all (I never said I wanted a second wedding heck I would have been content to just ask the priest at church to re-bless our rings and our m)
5. H's business is still not near home.
H has his life and I have mine. It's not horrible but it certainly isn't a loving, supportive, healthy relationship. If we didn't have children I'd have packed my bags and taken off years ago...infact I doubt I would have let him come back home.
I'm stuck not making a move because I don't want to be wrong...what if this m can be saved? I feel like I've tried everything and I'm holding onto nothing. Am I suffering from waw syndrome but just haven't walked? If yes then I shouldn't leave or believe the m is over because it's all just my view of things. ugh! all I know is that I'm not happy in this m and it's starting to show and spill over into the rest of my life. I feel like I'm constantly hiding my dissatisfaction. I've been trying to just be happy with my own life and enjoy all that I can despite the state of my m but I'm finding it harder and harder to do.
