Quote: One area that can be worked on now that will help draw you closer is to open up the lines of communication. Not talking about OR talk directly, but encourage her to express her feelings and thoughts, if she directs them towards OR that's fine, if not that's OK too.
Nope. Can't even have an "indirect" civil talk. All I'll get, in return (at this stage) will be lies; and I don't want to deal with more lies right now. So, the stupid fly on the wall thinks that we're living an Ozzie & Harriett life. He should know the truth. At least four instances come to mind where friends of mine maintained long-term relationships with OM/OW, none of which lasted for less than five years. Two of them lasted close to twenty years and were terminated by the death of the betraying H in both cases. Their spouses supposedly didn't know. And in one of these sits, the widow held sway in one room of the funeral home, at the viewing, and the OW received her mourners in another room. So, this raises the question: if the cheating spouse wants to enjoy the fruits of the best of both worlds, keeps everybody in line, throws the at-home spouse a crumb occasionally and acts as if she is really a wife -- and at the same time cultivates this other relationship, how long can one successfully DB in the face of this? Seems to me that, if after, say, 2 or 3 years, the SAS can't get the whole ball of wax, well, then, it's time for him to walk. Doncha think?
Hi Sam, In those R you describe, both parties had made choices that led them down the road they have taken. While you don't have control over the spouse's choices to perhaps to follow that path, you certainly have control over your choice on whether you can accept living with the choices your spouse makes or not. You should read up on Zebra's threads over the past year, as they go into this subject in quite some depth with positive results.
Quote: how long can one successfully DB in the face of this? Seems to me that, if after, say, 2 or 3 years, the SAS can't get the whole ball of wax, well, then, it's time for him to walk. Doncha think?
I would tend to think that how long one is willing to wait for the type of commited and fullfilling r they want is entirly up to each individual..
yes, I agree inevidably if you don't get "the whole ball of wax" that you are seeking...you will walk. the time span that we are willing to wait is up to us...
Quote: yes, I agree inevidably if you don't get "the whole ball of wax" that you are seeking...you will walk. the time span that we are willing to wait is up to us...
Yes, LL, it's up to us, and somewhere on this thread, I stated that I'd give it another year, so I guess a deal's a deal! This approach/avoidance stuff from the distancing spouses, with all of its backing and filling, etc., does try one's patience, however. I'm sure that it's a real character builder for us. Sam
Last Wednesday night, after a solo C session, W told me, as we lay in bed in the dark, that she wanted to try to get things right between us. I told her that we couldn’t really make any progress until the OM thing was resolved. She wanted to discuss it then and there, but I asked her to put it off til morning.
Thursday morning, we had our little chat. She acknowledged that she had been behaving badly over the past several months (more like a year!) and appreciated that I had hung in there. We had a good OR conversation (the first one in a long time) and I asked her what was the story with OM. She said that she had realized that he was a manipulator and that he was not for her; that she wanted to strengthen our marriage. She stated that she was through with her relationship with him and wanted to be with me. We both agreed to work towards that end. There were no ILY’s on either side.
The next day was Valentine’s Day. I gave her a humorous card (no gift) and she gave me a card which had a target on the front with a heart as the bullseye, with an arrow through the heart, and read, “got me!” Inside, it said, “I’m yours, Happy Valentine’s Day” and she signed it “Your Secret Admirer.” So, no heavy stuff, either from me or her. She also gave me after-shave lotion.
Saturday evening, we went to a private, string quartet recital, and she held my hand throughout the performance.
Since then, we’ve had sex a couple of times, and again it wasn’t anything heavy. In fact, she described it as “fun.” I’ve continued to DB, and will continue to do so. I think the fact that I was finally able to detach in some measure resulted in her apparently doing a 180 of sorts: I let her come and go as she pleased without questioning; joined a jazz band; tried to be upbeat and calm around her, did not pursue nor initiate OR talks, etc.
Yesterday, she came up to me and said, “Don’t read too much into it, but I have very loving feelings toward you right now.” I acknowledged her statement, saying something along the lines of, “that’s nice, thank you.”
So, that’s where we are right now. It’s been less than a week, so I’m not prepared to declare this a miracle by any means. I must admit that I figured that it would be at least another 6-8 months before I’d be working on Chapter 8 of DR -- Let’s hope and pray that I/we can Keep the Positive Changes Going.
LL - you've said it all: time, patience, giving her space and focussing more on oneself. That's the whole DB philosophy stated in one sentence. Thanks. Sam
