Good morning, Sam. I was wondering where you had run off to. Glad to see you back.
Sometimes no progress...status quo, as you put it...is not a bad thing. These things are never consistent. Two steps forward, one step back, then two back and one forward, maybe a sidestep here and there. Like an awkward little dance. Sometimes, we just need to stop and take a breather.
It sounds to me like you and W are establishing a friendship again. She's not interested in romance, and might not be for some time. As others have told me about my own wife, she needs a friend more than a husband right now.
I think you are doing exactly what you should be doing. Pursue your own interests and activities, with an occasion invite to her, just to test the waters.
Quote: I've made my peace with the notion that it's really up to her now.
Exactly right. It's always been up to her. She's the one who bailed out emotionally...she's the one that has to return. All you can do is try to make yourself and your life attractive and appealing to her. I've been told that we are trying to attract our spouses back like moths to a candle. The brighter the flame, the more the attraction.
Keep up the loving detachment. Keep up the good work. Keep the flame burning bright.
Quote: I finally couldn't stand acting like I didn't care where he was or who he was with
In my case, it's no longer acting. In the beginning, it was; however, it’s become second nature now, and I really don’t have any fear or anxiety when I think about them being together. I see this as her problem, her struggle, and I don’t want any part of it.
Sapphire: I mis-spoke when I said that both of us had read the Dobson and Harley books. W had purchased the Dobson book a while back, thinking that it dealt with teenagers -- but, she has never actually read it. She did, however, read the Harley book, and in fact, sent OM a Harley letter (“leave me alone, it’s over", etc.). But, unfortunately, it was a ruse to pacify me, and she immediately resumed contact with OM after sending the letter. I think that it’s too soon, frankly, for me to take the position which you did with your H. Things seem to be working well (albeit slowly) by my detaching, paying attention to my own needs, and DB’ing in general.
Robbie: Yes, I’m keeping up the “loving detachment” you refer to. Once I got the hang of it, the pain really subsided. As you can tell from my last post, though, I'm getting somewhat impatient with the pace of things.
Thursday, W asked me to take her out to dinner to discuss some things that were on her mind. She hastened to add that it wasn’t anything “bad” or negative, to which I replied that I wasn’t apprehensive in the least, having been dealing with our R in my own way (without elaborating about DB’ing). That evening, at dinner, she acknowledged that she had been acting strange and distant, and that it was deliberate on her part -- so that she could think things out clearly and without any outside input.
To make a long story short, she explained that for the last few years, she had been feeling trapped and smothered in our marriage, had lost her sense of personal identity, and was reaching out to try things on her own (no mention of EA, PA or OM). She told me that she is interested in starting some kind of a small business, that she was aware that I had been giving her a wide berth these last few months and that she appreciated that. She also said that she had thought things through and, as a result, would like to resume the marriage. I simply listened intently without commenting or editorializing. That night, she tried to initiate sex, but I politely begged off without explanation. We did, however, have sex last night.
Interestingly, I felt no jubilation or triumph at her decision, knowing that it could be reversed at any time; but, I was satisfied that my DB’ing seemed to be pointing us in the right direction. I am most aware that we’re at a delicate pass, and that progress will be made slowly and haltingly.
This morning, while watching “The Best Years of Our Lives” on TV, I was struck by the timeliness of the following exchange between Myrna Loy and her husband, Frederick March, in response to their daughter’s (Theresa Wright) assertion that they had the perfect marriage and had always been in love with each other:
ML: How many times have I told you that I’m sick and tired of you?
FM: How many times have I told you we’re all washed up?
ML: And how many times have we had to fall in love with each other again?!
Quote: Interestingly, I felt no jubilation or triumph at her decision, knowing that it could be reversed at any time; but, I was satisfied that my DBing seemed to be pointing us in the right direction. I am most aware that we're at a delicate pass, and that progress will be made slowly and haltingly.
I am very happy for you. We all strive for baby steps in our relationships, but this is a Baby Huey step. I appreciate your words on my thread. Although I know that detachment and patience is the key, I find myself getting overly excited and impatient whenever there is a babystep in my own sitch. I really admire how you've handled your progress, and how you continue to remain calm, cool and collected. Although at this point you may not think congratulations are in order, let me at least give you a big pat on the back for a job well done (so far )
I hope that you will continue to visit my thread and keep me grounded.
Quote: Interestingly, I felt no jubilation or triumph at her decision, knowing that it could be reversed at any time; but, I was satisfied that my DB’ing seemed to be pointing us in the right direction. I am most aware that we’re at a delicate pass, and that progress will be made slowly and haltingly
And I believe your response is really excellently healthy too! I resonate with it - when my H first said he would end A, I even told him he was moving too hastily, he needed to think more first!
The fact that your W clearly has thought through really carefully before making this statement to you seems hugely positive. It doesn't sound like a whim, but her considered position.
I can tell you (as I think you already see for yourself) that some of the most painful stuff is still ahead of you! Hang onto your DBing, and keep reminding yourself of your ultimate goal. I found it so easy to slip into the mode that, 'you hurt me: now you want our M to continue - you must do a whole lot of hard running to make it up to me'
Of course its not like that: I cant tell you how often I would have to scuttle away to reread Michelle's words about this stage. (while crying!). But you have been shown a light at the end of the tunnel (or is the better analogy perhaps a piece of cheese?!)
Hi Sam, Been dropping in from time to time. You seem to be able to keep both feet firmly on the ground, and its beginning to pay off.
This latest post is really great news. I know what you mean about being reserve though. I, too, for the first few weeks was waiting for the other shoe to drop. That's not to say there won't some rough days ahead. There will be days where she continues to have some doubts and will be distant, but those periods will shorten and come around less often.
No need to shift any gears here, just keep doing what you been doing as it is definately working. Continue to focus on stringing those good days together so they outnumber the bad. This will help reinforce she is making the right decision to work on M when she hits a rough time.
One area that can be worked on now that will help draw you closer is to open up the lines of communication. Not talking about OR talk directly, but encourage her to express her feelings and thoughts, if she directs them towards OR that's fine, if not that's OK too. You want to make is it a safe environment and for her to feel comfortable to share her inner thoughts with you, then the OR talks will come.
As Saphire says, its a good time to re-read DR. You will find some new approaches that can be used when there are two back in the M.
Dear Robbie, Saphire and Kaw - Thanks for your input and words of encouragement. There's no way that I'll let up on my DB'ing, and yes, not a day goes by that I don't read through DR and some of the postings from this forum that I've printed out and kept. Recent developments haven't caused me to move up my timetable any-- I'm still looking at another year from now. What's that saying? Something like "One swallow does not a summer make." I realistically expect setbacks, maybe some sideways movement (hey, my sitch sounds like the stock market), and all the rest of it before there'll be permanent change. Sam
W announces yesterday, that she's still in contact with OM (telephone calls only -- he calls her, she doesn't call him), that he now has cancer and she will not terminate the contact as originally agreed. I kept my cool as best I could, reminded her that it was counter to our original agreement and that I certainly couldn't approve of it. Still DB'ing thru this all, but must admit that injecting this piece of old troubling business into the stew does complicate things again. I'm thinking that now is the time for me to dim down the lights a little bit, find reasons to cancel some of the upcoming social commitments we've made together and do my own thing at an increased pace. I recognize, again, that I can't change her actions or thoughts -- as self-defeating as I may think they are -- all I can do is keep a tight reign on my reactions and my own actions and thoughts.
I can't help but wonder if the recent overtures to me were a means of keeping me "in equipoise", so that she could go about her relationship with him with a minimum of disturbance from me. In an earlier post, I said I'd give it one more year. Frankly, I don't know if one more year of watching this craziness unfold in front of me would be healthy for me. Incidentally, since $$ seems to be a major issue for her, I have been seriously thinking of exploring the possibility of a so-called "mid-marriage agreement" wherein a disposition of assets and allocation of rights and obligations is made while H and W are still together. Sounds like a pretty good way of getting one troublespot out of the way while a H and W remain under the same roof. Sam
Sorry to hear about your W's decision. My own sitch has suffered a major setback, and I know how hard it is to fight off the sadness and depression that comes with it.
You still seem to be handling it extraordinarilly well. I am trying to follow your good example of detaching. I too wonder how long I can continue this charade with my W. It detracts me from other important things in my life, and I know it's not healthy for me...I constantly fight the urge to obsess.
Quote: I can't help but wonder if the recent overtures to me were a means of keeping me "in equipoise", so that she could go about her relationship with him with a minimum of disturbance from me.
The same thoughts have been running through my head for the past 10 days or so. You can't help but wonder about it.
Quote: Incidentally, since $$ seems to be a major issue for her, I have been seriously thinking of exploring the possibility of a so-called "mid-marriage agreement" wherein a disposition of assets and allocation of rights and obligations is made while H and W are still together. Sounds like a pretty good way of getting one troublespot out of the way while a H and W remain under the same roof.
I wish I could give a little advice on this, but I don't know much about it. If it will protect you and you feel comfortable with it, I say go for it. It might just send a little message to the W as well.
Good luck Sam. Keep up the good job of DBing. I'm praying for you, every day.
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