Most progress in DB is measured in babysteps. Babysteps are achieved by following a strategy, monitoring results, continuing it if it seems to be working and changing it if it doesn't. Of course, I'm just repeating what you already know.
If you give her an ultimatum and then back down from it, the ultimatum looses it's meaning and credibility. If you tell her that you will no longer tolerate a certain behavior, and she continues the behavior and you tolerate it...what message does that give her? I am dealing with this very same issue myself. I gave my W my own "Dobson Letter" which stated that I was done fighting for the marriage and that if she wanted to be my wife again, she needed to make some changes. She told me shortly afterwards that she wanted to work on the marriage, but 4 weeks later she is still living with the OM. So now I am backing off and detaching again, to show her that I meant what I said.
If what you are doing is working for you, then there is no need to change it. As you stated, there is nothing that we can do to change our spouse's behaviors or feelings. The only control that we have is over ourselves and how we respond to their behaviors and emotions.
I have talked with many DBers, some separated and some not. There are pros and cons to both situations. Detaching and distancing from their alien behaviors is much more difficult when you are living with them. However, showing them the changes and improvements that you are making in your life is more difficult when you are apart. Being separated, I envy those who have managed to keep themselves and their spouses under one roof. However, as in sitches like yours, I can see the problems it creates also.
If it's working Sam, stick it out. It's been a year for me also, and in the beginning, if someone had told me that our separation would last at least a year, I would have said they were crazy. I knew I couldn't go a year away from my wife. But now that things look a little better for me, I'm almost willing to put in another year. Almost. When we are in a good place, we tend to forget the pain and work it took to get there. It's human nature.
Keep up the good work...you never know when the tide will turn.
