W still contacting OM while piecing

[ANewBob]

Hey, sam - just wanted to check in and let you know that you are being read even though there's not a whole lot of comment. Don't worry - my thread goes the same way but it gives me a chance to journal and vent.

At least your W is willing to have sex with you. I haven't had that with W for going on 15 months - and there are others that have gone without for even longer! It may seem antiseptic but it could also be a way for W to try to reconnect with you. She may be torn but it is her drama to resolve - not yours. Like Zebra said - own up to your contribution to all of this and make your changes for you. And it looks like you're doing that - as we all must...

[KAW]

Hi Sam,
It takes a lot of determination and persistance to continue when you feel that your partner doesn't quite seem to have their whole heart into the R yet. (I was there through out much of last summer.)

Continue to concentrate on keeping your PMA. In order to help maintain your PMA, remind yourself that while you are "piecing" (and your wife has chosen to be with you now, so you ARE "piecing"...), you have yet to arrive at where you want to be. You are still on the journey, striving for M to be better, and "piecing" is just one more leg of the journey, but one that is definately one level closer to where you want to be. Last weekend's getaway is just one more step along the journey and who knows? ... after some more time the next time you go, it may even be better.

'til later,
KAW

[sam908]

ANewBob: Thanks for replying. Yes, it's HER drama to resolve and I try not to get drawn into it. When she says that she's going to "run some errands," I no longer ask where; nor do I get that sickly, sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach any more. Truth is, if you had told me last April that we'd have come this far, I would have said that you're hallucinating. Nevertheless, pretty soon it'll have been one year, and I really would like more of a quality relationship with a higher degree of intimacy.

KAW: Thanks to you also! Yes, I realize that since she's chosen to stay, and not leave home, we are piecing. But...the pieces are microscopic and if my M were a jigsaw puzzle, it'd take forever to fit the pieces together. I have been concentrating on my PMA, and in doing so, I realize how much of my sense of self I've lost in the last few years. So, I've gradually begun to reclaim those pieces of my self by resuming discarded hobbies, re-connecting with old friends (including some from high school) doing things on my own, etc. It's an interesting journey to say the least.

Sam

[sam908]

Yep, as regular as clockwork! Here it is, Sunday, and I got no “Good Morning”, no sisterly peck on the cheek, no eye contact, no talking, no nuthin. And in spite of it all, I keep on DB’ing, seeing the glass half full, giving her the benefit of the doubt, and all the other good stuff advised on this board and in Michele’s books. I try not to analyze her behavior or to read her mind; but, inside me, there’s still turmoil. Maybe she’s trying to get me to the point where I become a WAH and thereby get her off the hook. It’s certainly occurred to me.

Yesterday, she seemed very distracted and I asked her if she wanted to talk about it. Her response was that she couldn’t trust my reaction -- so she completely shut down. I didn’t push the matter, letting it drop right then and there.

I know this is a marathon and not a sprint, but I’m tired already, and have another 20 miles to go.
Sam

[sage]

Hey Sam,

I was drawn to your thread because it struck me as similar to mine -- H. and I have many good things going for us and spend a lot of time together enjoying each others company but he's still in contact with OW. I didn't have hard proof other than his behavior but I confronted him about it this weekend. Looks like it's going to take a LONG time to get back to how good things were before

Anyway, you said something interesting in your post that W. "couldn't trust your reaction" and therefore didn't tell you something. That's a nice direct statement -- have you mulled over what exactly she might mean by that in terms of what your reactions are that she has trouble with? Do you think she would ever tell you that she misses him, etc?

FWIW, my H. made it very clear this weekend that he does not consider OW "the issue" and perhaps he's right -- next goal for me it to figure out what he DOES think the issues are.

Check out my thread if you've got time and I'll be sending you the best of luck (and perhaps the occasional comment) on your sitch.

Sage

[sam908]

Sage,

you said something interesting in your post that W. "couldn't trust your reaction" and therefore didn't tell you something. That's a nice direct statement -- have you mulled over what exactly she might mean by that...

As a result of that statement/question posed by you, I took a chance and told her if she were willing to tell me the "unspeakable", that I would not react in any way. So, she did.

She told me that while she cares for me just as she would any other human being, she feels no love for me; that she has no interest in sharing inner thoughts with me because she doesn't consider me a friend; that she doesn't consider us a couple; that she has talents and abilities that she feels that she must express, and that she can't do this within the confines of a marriage; that I was never really a father in the complete sense to our two teen age dtrs; that she has no desire for intimacy in any degree with me (and that I am free to seek it elsewhere); that she married me for the security and stability that I offered to her (she's 20 years younger than I, tho that's never been a problem); that there's no longer any point in our staying together -- there's so much that she said that's swirling around in my mind, that I can't think of any others. But, what she said is so similar to the countless "bomb-dropping" speeches I've read in this forum, so you can fill in the blanks.

My reaction: I simply validated her feelings, didn't try to argue, contradict, or plead a positive case. I did say that while I'll accept my share of the responsibility for fracturing our M, I will not accept responsibility for breaking up our family, as that's not what I want. And so, the session ended peacefully.

I'm not upset, agitated or anxious and I credit DB'ing and reading through this forum for that sense of calm. I know what I want; perhaps I won't be able to have it. She's not sure what (or whom) she wants, so she'll have to work that out for herself.

So, you see what you started by asking that question?

Sam

[sage]

So, you see what you started by asking that question?

Sam

Sam -- What I hope I've started is the beginning of some dialogue between you and your W. that gets to the root of the matter. Or, at the very least, you know how plenty of direct fodder for you DB'ing efforts -- thanks to your W. laying it on the line. I'm wondering how she reacted to your calm stance?

I'm admiring your strength after being on the receiving end of all of that. Peace to you.

--Sage

[Robert1956]

Sam,

Thanks for the encouragement and advice on my thread. I welcome all comments and suggestions, especially new voices with fresh perspectives. Thanks again.

Your W's speech is a classic example of getting what you asked for. You wanted to know the truth...do you think she meant what she said? I would take everything with a grain of salt. I heard the same things from my wife for six months. We were separated, and she was talking divorce and all the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" crap. I was told that I was bad father, when just the week before she had praised my parenting skills. As early as 3 months ago, there appeared little hope for us. Now things have changed dramatically.

The point is, your W may feel exactly the way she said she did today, and tomorrow she may feel totally different. Or if not today, next week or next month. You cannot do a thing about that. You cannot change one thing about the way she feels. She is all about her emotions and feelings...or lack of emotions and feelings...right now. Try not to obsess over her words or actions. Concentrate on the one thing that you can change... you.

Don't have time for anything more than that for now. I'll check back soon. Stay strong, stay focused.

Robbie

[knowledgeispower]

Hi Sam,

I was a waw. During our separation 7 months my h did alot of pursing, begging and pleading. He surprised me. We had sex during this time when he was home. He works out of state. I said some pretty cruel things to him..The whole time wasn't bad. But I definetly got comfortable thinking he would hang around.

Never did I get involved with a om

He did get involved with m ow who was having an a with a mm
while m herself. Anyway I had a complete change of heart after alot of soul searching.

This made h very mad. Wouldn't touch me with a 10 ft pole.
for 7 weeks.

Anyway we are now working on our r and I definetly remember what I said and did to him...

I the FAQ forum there is info about sex with s. Read it and don't give up. Work on you and be patient which sucks but you can do it.

Remember believe half of what you see and none of what they say.


Kip

[sam908]

Kip, thanks for commenting on my thread. Seems as though the new year is not off to a very auspicious start for my M. W has totally shut down in the last few days. Just told me that she'll be "running errands" til around dinnertime -- that's code for her meeting OM. It seems as though we're right back where we were last March; so it'll be one year soon. When we started C in June, the target date for some resolution of the situation was to be January 2003. During most of the C, W denied A, tho later admitted to it, so I guess much of the C was a waste of time and money, since it wasn't based on honest communication.

Her current behavior is reminiscent of how she was acting when she first admitted to an EA. I guess the pressure and emptiness she feels due to missing him just got to be too much. But, I repeat: I will not be drawn into this third-rate soap opera!

I'm still calm and poised about the sitch, but, frankly, I'm getting tired of dealing with it and am very tempted to move on in a different direction. As we approached the new year, I decided to give it one more year; but it seems as tho we're back to Square One, so why bother any longer?

In view of developments, I'm questioning whether I should even be on this "Piecing" forum. I thought that we were piecing, but the only evidence I have of piecing, frankly, is that we're both still under the same roof.
Sam