messed up big time... I'm so mad at myself. I was having a sad morning. H came to pick up his mail in my office. (I brought it in, he didn't ask for it... but, I'd lost an insurance bill in the pile, and his ins was cancelled.) It started out fine, but he was starting to leave, and I wanted him to stay, and the only thing on my brain was how much I missed him. So, of course, I had to say it. H actually said 'i don't want to have this convo' and I continued, 'you may not, but I.. blah blah blah. '. I talked about how big our house is, how much work it is, and and how sad to be here without him. So many memories. I said I missed us and him. I may have even said I loved him, which I'd stopped telling him, because he knows, and doesn't need to hear it. I asked if he was happier than with me. There were no tears while he was there, just glassy eyes, and quivering chin. You know how it goes. Someone please smack me in the head with a 2x4. How may others have I said this to: 'To our Hs, if they only see us once every 6 mo, and each time we ask those questions, to them, it's like it's all we ever talk about!!! And, if we can't control it now, how can we control it if Hs come back. On the bright side, I did NOT specifically ask anything about OW. Just about his happiness. I have done very well at not mentioning OW. That's at least some progress, .. at least to me. I don't know if he noticed.
I just hope I have not pushed him over the edge, making him feel so bad because I feel bad, that he makes the move I don't want him to...thinking he's helping me. It's been so long, but, I need to find some more patience from somewhere.
I did take my motorcycle out for the first ride today. It felt really good.
