My wife left me almost 3 weeks ago. It was 1 week before our 13th anniversary.
We been in counseling, but really not focused on the sexual issues yet. She has decided that it's too late and moved out.
If only I had listen more and understood what she was saying. And if I had only had read the SSM book before now I know that we wouldn't be in this situation.
We're very good friend and love each other very much. But my low desire and her high desire and me not waking up sooner has killed us.
In reading the SSM book, I also realize that it's not 100% my fault either. But, I've been the one who really hasn't listen and changed.
She's been asking why don't I desire her. I do, but she feels that I'm rejecting her and I can understand that now.
I need help. Specific help on how I can convince my wife that it's not too late. That I can change. That it's not just talk.
I know that actions speak louder than words, and I'm reading the DR & SSM books and working on myself. But the cold fact is that I've got to show her, tell her, convince her it's not too late.
Assuming that she is not seeing someone else, then tell her of your participation here, and ask her to come read and post as well.
Start out by emailing her a copy of your post.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
This isn't going to be easy - like NOPkins said, you could start by sending her a copy of your posting here to truly show her you mean business and not just a lame excuse again that you will "do something". You can't believe how many times I heard that from my H just to have him weakly try for a few days or a week or two if I was lucky and then back to the same old thing - which was nothing.
Of course she is taking it personally - how can someone say they desire you, they think you are beautiful, sexy etc. etc. etc. and not do anything about it. It's frustrating and down right despressing at times. My self esteem has gone down the toilet due to my H's rejection. I have tried everything and now, here we are, some 18 years later and he "thinks" he gets it. I love him dearly but, like your W, I think it might be too little too late and I don't know if I can get that desire back. If it is going to happen (and my H and I are still together so I think there is more of a chance) then there is going to have to be some serious effort on both our parts. The same applies to your situation
Just like the old saying, actions speak louder than words, you are going to have to do whatever it takes to show her you mean business. Making an appointment with a sex therapist BEFORE you invite her to come along with you. Saying "I was thinking of making an appointment" will just make it look like you are being forced into it. Take the initiative, do the things that need to be done and include her in them, ask her opinion, make her feel special in the meantime. This is going to be a long road because she has (in her mind) already thrown in the towel and is going to look at a lot of your efforts as "oh sure, NOW he does something about it". She has a lot of insecurities about this whole issue and she might possibly think you are doing it for yourself and/or someone else (other than her). You need to make it perfectly clear to her that SHE is the one that means the most to you and you will do everything in your power to get her back
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
FYI, my H said/felt the "Sure, now you are going to do something about all of this," however, we are doing very well now so I know "they" can get through that thought process -- you just have to show, over time, that you are committed and that the changes are permanent ones. It takes a lot of time & patience on your part.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
should I give her my copy -- the one I've marked up as I read it. No, if she is going to think you are trying to manipulate her.
May spouses see what they want to see. Some spouses see what you are trying to say, but that is not all that common.
Do what NOP suggested first. Measure her reaction, then proceed.
CM34 said it you just have to show, over time, that you are committed and that the changes are permanent ones. It takes a lot of time & patience on your part.
I think you really need to ask yourself "WHY" you want your wife back. Then you need to think really hard about whether if you were to express the reason "WHY" in the form of a statement to your wife it would have any effect on her decision to leave you. My H found himself in your exact situation not too many weeks ago (though this might not be totally true since there were issues in my marriage beyond the sexual disparity and my H was pretty disrespectful towards me about the sexual issues etc. so grain of salt, your sich might be more hopeful than mine) so I can tell you exactly what you shouldn't say/convey.
1) Do not convey anything that would tend to make your wife feel sorry for you because you are now so miserable without her. Her inclination will be to see your tendency to feel sorry for yourself as the root of the problem and won't be impressed by a change in context. So anything conveyed along this line will just make her feel like you are clueless.
2) Do not convey anything that would give the impression that you have now magically figured out what "she" or even the two of you together might do to improve things in the future. An angry "Too little too late" will be her reaction.
What you should do is anything that you might rationally do to prepare yourself to be ready to date or have sex with women other than your wife. When you can look at yourself in the mirror and say "I have a lot to offer in a relationship both sexually and otherwise." and stop making excuses or feeling sorry for yourself then you will be on the right track.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
My wife and I are scheduled to talk today at 2pm. I believe that I am prepared.
Please pray for me that I might have the words and confidence to show her how much I do care for her.
Thanks everyone for their input.
I have prepared myself by reading the SSM book. Taking notes and making a list of what I believe went wrong. After we talk, I plan to give her a copy of the SSM book and I have written her a letter also.
I know that she will probably not response immediately, however, I hope that she will read the book, letter, and take what I have to say to heart. Hopefully I will have a second chance. It may take time.
