Thanks, HS. It's been a hard day, but I'm hanging in there. I don't think I have an outbreak but am still waiting to be sure. I was going to call H to let him know that so far all seems well but that I will keep him posted, but then I decided not to. I know I told him I would let him know, but I guess my thought was if he was concerned, he would check with me??? I don't know. What do you think? Should I get in contact with him? I don't want him to be worried about it, but I guess if he was he would let me know? Or maybe he doesn't want me to feel bad? Hmmmm... I will continue to ponder this.
As far as ML, it wasn't actually two days in a row... It was Monday afternoon, after which he left, and then last night, after which he stayed the night. But still, two times in one week! Which I know is probably bad.... I'm so confused yet so hopeful at the same time, yet so hurt. How can he ML to me and still be with her? I just don't get it... And although I know how wrong and anti-DBing it is to ML to him, it's just so hard not to, especially when that was one of the, if not THE, biggest sore spot in our M to begin with, our lack of ML... It's just another way for me to I guess feel close to him, even if it's only for a short time. And I know that's not good to do.
You're right about me needing to be more mysterious and not let him know what I'm thinking/doing all the time.
I was surprised, to be honest, at his actions last night. After ML on Monday and then my HUGE freak show that night, I figured he would be ready to keep his distance for a while. I thought he would be cordial to me, but I definitely didn't expect all of the niceties throughout the evening or for him to come home and ML to me again. I will keep giving him space and hope that will bring him closer to me and give me space as well to get stronger.
I didn't talk to him at all today. I forwarded him one e-mail; that was it. He faxed me some paperwork but no coversheet or anything. So it's back to the way it was again... It could be that he thinks that I don't WANT to have contact with him until he's committed to coming home??? I don't know. I know Jody (DB coach) told me if he comes home again to not ML to him and to tell him that he's giving me mixed messages. I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm so afraid that if I "reject" him it will have horrible consequences. In actuality, it would probably do the exact opposite in that it may make him see that I'm standing up for myself and make him respect me more and want me more???
Anyway, I'm at least glad that hopefully there is no outbreak. That would be horrible. I'm still not positive that there is no outbreak, but it's looking good so far...
