...you experience it all over...to the point that you see it as unfounded fears...then take it to your therapist, she'll take over.
Your H can't come home yet because of you...it isn't safe and comfortable...it's very uncomfortable being around you...for him. He's not the issue, you are...the affair, ow, are meaningless to him...you are the cause to his effect....have fun tonight.
I also tend to think that the dynamics of their (H and OW) R is changing...perhaps she is calling and he doesn't like it...perhaps she is calling and beginning to pursue because she senses his pulling away from her...she might sense him thinking and doing some soul searching and this could be making her feel insecure...
This is pretty much how A's eventually end...now is the time for you to really shine!!!...You shouldn't keep analyzing everything about her and him though...just accept that now is a time for you to fix you and him to fix him...and there are processes that will be gone through along the way that you and him may not like so much....so be it...
So put on a happy face...get caught up with work...take care of you and don't worry about H...don't worry about OW...you have the answer you wanted to hear "He is willing to work on things with you."...Just remember, baby steps...and make sure that you two have a courting/dating period again...don't just drag him home like a cave-woman...or the whole pattern of disfunction will continue...
I also tend to think that the dynamics of their (H and OW) R is changing...perhaps she is calling and he doesn't like it...perhaps she is calling and beginning to pursue because she senses his pulling away from her...she might sense him thinking and doing some soul searching and this could be making her feel insecure...
This is pretty much how A's eventually end...now is the time for you to really shine!!!...You shouldn't keep analyzing everything about her and him though...just accept that now is a time for you to fix you and him to fix him...and there are processes that will be gone through along the way that you and him may not like so much....so be it...
So put on a happy face...get caught up with work...take care of you and don't worry about H...don't worry about OW...you have the answer you wanted to hear "He is willing to work on things with you."...Just remember, baby steps...and make sure that you two have a courting/dating period again...don't just drag him home like a cave-woman...or the whole pattern of disfunction will continue...
I also tend to think that the dynamics of their (H and OW) R is changing...perhaps she is calling and he doesn't like it...perhaps she is calling and beginning to pursue because she senses his pulling away from her...she might sense him thinking and doing some soul searching and this could be making her feel insecure...
This is pretty much how A's eventually end...now is the time for you to really shine!!!...You shouldn't keep analyzing everything about her and him though...just accept that now is a time for you to fix you and him to fix him...and there are processes that will be gone through along the way that you and him may not like so much....so be it...
So put on a happy face...get caught up with work...take care of you and don't worry about H...don't worry about OW...you have the answer you wanted to hear "He is willing to work on things with you."...Just remember, baby steps...and make sure that you two have a courting/dating period again...don't just drag him home like a cave-woman...or the whole pattern of disfunction will continue...
I agree with Lin's analysis of most A's, although I don't think I'd have said it three times....jk...and you're making progress! So, shine on Tam. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks, everyone. As always, your insights are invaluable and so appreciated.
Well, let me tell you about my evening...
So, I get to the meeting. H isn't there yet. I'm talking with other people and just socializing before the event starts. Later on I see H talking to someone else. I hadn't seen him arrive. I kept talking to who I was talking to. A while later, I walked by where he was and purposely did NOT look at him, was going to just walk on by like I didn't see him (it was a crowded area, so it wasn't meant to look like I was rudely walking by him but rather just didn't see him . He reached out and grabbed my arm. I turned towards him, and he was talking to someone and introduced me to him as his "better half." Then H said something like "the better looking half." So the three of us chatted for a while, and then we chatted with some other people - together and separately - before the meeting started. H went out to get some beers right when the meeting started, and I went to find my seat. I had saved two seats for us. I pondered whether to do this or not, as I wanted to keep the distance but didn't want to be rude and didn't want others to see us not sitting together (there are a lot of people there who know us). So, when I saw H come back in the room, I saw him looking around, and I waved to him. He came over and sat next to me.
When he sat down, he grabbed my knee and rubbed my leg for just a second or two. I smiled at him and then looked away.
A while later, I was leaning forward on my knees, and he started rubbing my back and shoulders with one hand. I did NOTHING. A while later, he did it again, and I grabbed his leg with my hand and just rested it there. Wasn't really sure what to think at this point...
After the meeting, we both talked some more - together and separately again - with other people for a while. Then he told me that some of the people were going out to a restaurant afterwards. I asked if he was going, and he said he was.
So as things were winding down, I went to grab my sweater, and H was gathering his things as well. He told me that I looked nice! That is the first time he's told me that since January when I dressed up nice the first time when I started doing the DBing stuff. He hasn't said anything like that since, even though I've tried to continually dress nice most days. So that was nice. Again, still not sure what to think at this point... I just told him thank you.
So we're getting ready to leave, and I'm talking to someone, and I see H walking down the hall. I just saw him out of the corner of my eye, and it looked like he went to the bathroom. So I finished my conversation and then went by the rest rooms and waited ... and waited ... and waited... Then I figured he either fell in the toilet or he had actually left already without saying anything to me... So I went out to my car and drove to the restaurant but didn't see his car there. So I drove back to the meeting place (it was just two blocks away) and looked in the parking lot and found his car. He was in it sitting there. So I stopped and rolled down my window to ask him if he was still going to the restaurant. He didn't roll down his window for a bit but then finally did and said he had been waiting to see some of the other folks that were going come out so that he knew they were on the way.
So, in my mind I'm thinking that he's been talking to OW on the phone to let her know that he's going to a restaurant/running late/whatever... BUT, I quickly caught myself and remembered the words that I think Lin said about negative thinking bringing about negative actions... And I could feel myself tensing up thinking about him talking to her. So, I made myself just let those thoughts go and not worry about it.
So we got to the restaurant and had some pizza and drinks and socialized with some friends/acquaintances for a while.
Then we left around 1am. I gave H some bills/papers I had for him. He got in his car to leave, and we chatted for a few more minutes. Then he asked me for a kiss! So I gave him a long, passionate kiss. (It makes me dreamy just thinking about it again!) Then he said something like "I'll see you later." I was so tempted to ask him to come home but did not. I didn't even say anything. I just patted him on the chest and walked away to my car.
When I got home, H was home! I had a feeling that he might coee home but wasn't sure. As I was rounding the corner to our house, I made myself think that either way, it was okay. If he was home, I would be happy. But if he wasn't home, it wasn't meant to be and I would have known we had a nice night and would get a good night's sleep.
The next thing I didn't know was if he was just going to be inside sleeping on our couch downstairs. But when I went inside, he wasn't on the couch. So I went upstairs, and he was in our bed watching TV. I asked him what he was doing, and he said he was watching TV (duh). I asked him if he wanted me to sleep in "my" bed or in there with him. He told me to do whatever I wanted to do. I told him no, that he had been continually asking me what I wanted to do and that I wanted to know what HE wanted me to do. He said he wanted me to sleep in our bed with him.
So I got into bed, and we snuggled for a while and then ML. I know I shouldn't have and that you're going to yell at me. I'm ready... It was so nice, though. It was so much different than when we were at his parents' house. He actually hugged me and rubbed my hair and kissed me. It was so much more "loving," if that makes sense. He also told me how gorgeous my body was. He hasn't said anything like that since before this all happened. It was really nice.
I only slept for about 3 hours and then woke up and couldn't sleep. So, now I have to tell you something that is really hard for me to tell you - it's embarrassing. I hope my telling you this will let you know just how much I trust you guys... Unfortunately, I have genital herpes. I've had it since I was probably 19. So far, H has not gotten it, thank goodness. I have always been very conscientious about it. Well, yesterday and last night, I kind of felt like an outbreak might be coming on, but I did some "checking" last night before we ML, and it seemed fine, so I just dismissed it and didn't say anything about it, not wanting to make a big deal out of it. Usually I would also have him check to see if he saw anything. But, again, I thought it was fine and didn't want to make something out of nothing.
Well, when I woke up I felt again and felt a little pang like the starts of it. So I panicked and couldn't get back to sleep. I didn't want to wake H so just sat there... I woke him up a few hours later by initiating some sexual things, and then when he responded I asked him if he would look for me. He did and said he thought he saw some pinkness but not any blisters. So we stopped what we were doing, and H went and took a shower.
Then I felt absolutely awful... I obviously would never, ever want him to get this, let alone get it and then give it to OW... I didn't want him to think that I did this on purpose, etc., etc. I just had all these thoughts running through my head.
So he came back in the bedroom after showering and came over to the bed and rubbed my hair for a minute before going to comb his hair. I told him that I was really sorry. He said not to worry about it, that it didn't look bad and may just have been pink from having sex and that he wasn't worried about it, that I was wonderful. He was so kind and reassuring. I told him that I would let him know if I ended up having an outbreak and to "be careful." He said he would. I told him a few more times how sorry I was, and he kept saying that it was okay.
I'm still not sure if I have it or not. I'm trying to take my mind off of it so that I don't cause it now by getting upset!
So H finished getting ready to go, and we chit-chatted for a few minutes about business, and then he went to leave. I told him one last time to be careful, and he said he would. I felt/feel so bad and am just praying that it's not an outbreak. It just goes to show you how many factors can play into this whole mess. And just at my counseling session this week, my counselor was asking me if we were having protected sex, and I told her no, and she said we should be. I know she's right. But now I feel like *I* am the one causing problems potentially for OW... Ugh... How messed up is that???
So I'm just going to keep praying that I'm fine and hope it all works out okay. H wasn't mad at me at all (or at least didn't appear to be). I know he knows I would never do anything intentionally to hurt him or anyone else. It was just stupid, me trying to not make a big issue out of something... And, it's possible if not highly probable that I'm not even getting an outbreak but am just being overly sensitive about it due to the situation. I will hope and pray that that is the case... Okay, enough about that.
So, I made sure not to ask him for any reassurances, no R/M talk, none of that. It was hard, especially after both ML and the following incident happened, but I just let it go for now...
BTW, one of my backslides on Monday when I brought my office back home was that H came home after lunch and we ML then, too... THAT time was at my request/pleading (not the ML part, as H initiated that, but the asking him to come home part).... Not good, BUT the ML was nice then, too.
So, lay it on me. I'm ready for the 2X4's... I don't know what to think right now. I'm upset about the possible outbreak and am angry that that is even an issue as far as OW is concerned and feel bad that it is, etc., etc. And regarding them, I'd like to think that the A/OW is winding down but don't want to get my hopes up and know I/we have so much to work on still. I'm comforted by all the ways he was so nice and caring towards me last night but still don't understand what all of this means... I've decided today to just act the same as I have been. I'm not going to initiate any contact with him and will keep my distance. Hopefully the past couple of days have caused him to think even more about me/us due to his actions last night, so if I keep it up and keep working on getting stronger myself, hopefully it will bring him home, when we're both ready...
Let me know what you guys think. I hope you won't think any less of me for what happened with the whole possible outbreak thing... I feel so bad.
I am not going to hit you with a 2x4 because you ML to your H.
Two days in a row not bad. I think you just need to make sure you keep working on yourself. I think that you do still ask a lot of questions and hoover a bit. He knows everyhting that is on your mind at every second.
He is definately warming up to you again. So think about what has been working and keep that up.
Thanks, HS. It's been a hard day, but I'm hanging in there. I don't think I have an outbreak but am still waiting to be sure. I was going to call H to let him know that so far all seems well but that I will keep him posted, but then I decided not to. I know I told him I would let him know, but I guess my thought was if he was concerned, he would check with me??? I don't know. What do you think? Should I get in contact with him? I don't want him to be worried about it, but I guess if he was he would let me know? Or maybe he doesn't want me to feel bad? Hmmmm... I will continue to ponder this.
As far as ML, it wasn't actually two days in a row... It was Monday afternoon, after which he left, and then last night, after which he stayed the night. But still, two times in one week! Which I know is probably bad.... I'm so confused yet so hopeful at the same time, yet so hurt. How can he ML to me and still be with her? I just don't get it... And although I know how wrong and anti-DBing it is to ML to him, it's just so hard not to, especially when that was one of the, if not THE, biggest sore spot in our M to begin with, our lack of ML... It's just another way for me to I guess feel close to him, even if it's only for a short time. And I know that's not good to do.
You're right about me needing to be more mysterious and not let him know what I'm thinking/doing all the time.
I was surprised, to be honest, at his actions last night. After ML on Monday and then my HUGE freak show that night, I figured he would be ready to keep his distance for a while. I thought he would be cordial to me, but I definitely didn't expect all of the niceties throughout the evening or for him to come home and ML to me again. I will keep giving him space and hope that will bring him closer to me and give me space as well to get stronger.
I didn't talk to him at all today. I forwarded him one e-mail; that was it. He faxed me some paperwork but no coversheet or anything. So it's back to the way it was again... It could be that he thinks that I don't WANT to have contact with him until he's committed to coming home??? I don't know. I know Jody (DB coach) told me if he comes home again to not ML to him and to tell him that he's giving me mixed messages. I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm so afraid that if I "reject" him it will have horrible consequences. In actuality, it would probably do the exact opposite in that it may make him see that I'm standing up for myself and make him respect me more and want me more???
Anyway, I'm at least glad that hopefully there is no outbreak. That would be horrible. I'm still not positive that there is no outbreak, but it's looking good so far...
Well you will do what you do....all I can say is that I think you are moving too...make that wayyyyy toooo fast...but then it isn't my heart...
You see...when my H started to come around we dated...we didn't jump into bed...even though yes, he was MY H...my right...BUT... the point was that I wasn't ready....H wasn't ready....and I knew I didn't want to go through this again...
I can tell right now that if he said he was coming home to stay tomorrow...you would be falling all over yourself...and worse... because you're not ready it is highly likely that you/he will repeat history...only who will feel worse about it???
The whole herpes thing is no suprise...6 our of 10 adults have it...personally it would make it really difficult for me to risk a relationship where my partner accepted this...how hard would it be to start at ground zero with a new person???
Like I have already figured out...we can all give our advice and share our hard learned lessons with you...but you will do what you will do...
. He reached out and grabbed my arm. I turned towards him, and he was talking to someone and introduced me to him as his "better half." Then H said something like "the better looking half." So the three of us chatted for a while, and then we chatted with some other people - together and separately - before the meeting started. H went out to get some beers right when the meeting started, and I went to find my seat. I had saved two seats for us. I pondered whether to do this or not, as I wanted to keep the distance but didn't want to be rude and didn't want others to see us not sitting together (there are a lot of people there who know us). So, when I saw H come back in the room, I saw him looking around, and I waved to him. He came over and sat next to me. 
That is the first time he's told me that since January when I dressed up nice the first time when I started doing the DBing stuff. He hasn't said anything like that since, even though I've tried to continually dress nice most days. So that was nice. Again, still not sure what to think at this point... I just told him thank you.