We are going to a wedding tonight. I kind of dread these events. It always reminds me of what could have been. What if I would have done it right, from the start, instead of 18 years later? What if I would have known all I know now, then? How much greater would our love be, how much deeper would our connection be, how much more peaceful would our life and the lives of our children be?
A friend told me that the fastest way to lose your mind is to look at your life and ask, what if?
I think he is right.
So what do I do? Act as if things are great right now? I could start over with someone else, sans baggage and have a great relationship or I can suck it up and make this the relationship it should have always been and will always be, now that I know? I believe that is my only option. This week has gone well. Only a tid bit of a discussion last night. Regarding a shirt she was wearing when she came home from the concert. I told her that she would have asked me about it if I left wearing one thing and came home wearing another. She didn't want to answer, saying she did nothing wrong and never had so this is just like all the past stuff where I would grill her about her activities for no reason, always suspicious. I tried to point out to her times where she had asked me about a shirt or something that co-workers had given me as birthday presents and such. I told her that to me it was the same thing, I left wearing one thing and returned wearing another. She finally said that when they got to the concert the buttons on her shirt kept popping open, so she borrowed her friends tank top to go under her shirt so she wouldn't have to worry about being exposed if buttons came unbuttoned. Good enough. For her though, it was more of the same old stuff. She said that maybe I need to accept that I might never be able to ask a 'normal' question, even if it is something she might ask me, just because of the damage. She said that questions like that, no matter how well I might explain it or how much sense it makes or that she would ask the same thing, those questions still feel like the same old stuff and cause her to "feel" the same way, ie; she just wants to get away.
I've been successful at leaving it alone for the rest of the day. In the past I would have obsessed over this but this is part of proving her wrong in her big 2 assumptions about me per Chuck. Also, letting it go gives me a lot of peace which is a bigger issue to me.
She went shopping for an outfit for the wedding tonight. Called to ask about money, talked for a bit, made a point to end positive so she walks away from the contact thinking good things about me. I told her I can't wait to see her, (I'm meeting her there), that I'm positive she will look great as always.
I plan on acting as if she wants to be there with me, acting as if the relationship I wish for is being built with every second we are together. Acting as if she only has my best intentions in mind. Acting as if it only takes one to bring about positive change in a relationship and I'm man enough to take on this task.
